To Be Wanted

My favorite Shakespeare story is not one of the more famous ones. Rather, it is a more obscure comedy called Much Ado About Nothing. I’ve read it a zillion times, memorized passages. Something about the storyline and characters just gets to me! The story begins with two main characters, Benedick and Beatrice, who refuse to admit they love each other. So, their friends devise a plan to make them “fall in love” by convincing each that the other was madly in love with them. Through much ado, and seeing that they are wanted and loved by the other, they eventually give admission and permission to their own feelings to want.

It’s a great story—read it! J hehe . . .

But romance is not the only place others may desire to be wanted. In general friendships, I often find myself asking the question: am I needed by this person? Or, is my company and conversation at least wanted by this person? Is my presence, my attention, my gifts and skills, the essence of who I am desired?

I was walking through a large outside mall and was suddenly pulled in close (I guess looking back, it could have been awkward!) by a girl at one of the kiosks. She was warm and friendly and with great interest, asked if I was Italian. I discovered that she was Italian and we began a lively conversation of countries we’ve visited and cultural differences. She seemed absolutely fascinated to be talking with me and I began to enjoy our conversation. Within a few minutes, she suavely transitioned into selling her product to which I graciously, but candidly, rejected. Suddenly this warm and friendly girl-of-the-world no longer had the time for me. She refused to look at me and was busily on to “befriending” her next prospective customer.

Wow! When I had thought that she wanted me for me, I was thrilled to talk with her. But as soon as I discovered she could care less about me, the conversation was not at all interesting or desirable for me!

I want a lot of things. I want comfort and security, a fulfilling and exciting purpose, closeness with others, and much else. But for all my wanting, I think there is an even deeper desire, soul-ache really, to be wanted.

I would like someone to think of me, desire and celebrate my presence, congratulate and praise my skills, enjoy my company. I want to be wanted!!

I’ve definitely had friendships where I felt used. Romantic interests who ask how I am, only in the hope that I will deeply want, admire, celebrate them.

Soon after high school, I worked in a restaurant as a hostess. A coworker slid into the booth next to me where I was sitting and wrapping silverware into napkins: “Emily, I was wondering if we could meet up and you could tell me a little bit about Jesus.” He had just come up to my hostess counter the night before to tell me that he was taking a creative writing class because of me, and wanted to write something about me. I tried to dissuade him by saying “I’m not interesting,” to which of course he looked deep into my eighteen- year- old eyes and said slowly, “you are the most interesting person I’ve ever met.” I felt wanted—he appreciated who I was. I felt needed—coffee to talk about Jesus? Sure! But thankfully I was in good accountability and was advised that this young guy was the one who DEEPLY needed to be wanted. He needed to know his worth and his value and was hoping to find it in me.

Whenever I get into one of my moods where I feel like I deeply need to be wanted, I try to take some alone time—often to the beach. Granted, I want to do the opposite. I want to run out and find someone to WANT me—someone to confirm my worth or my value.

But I’ve learned over the past couple years that that deep feeling of insecurity is when I most need to be alone—at least for a short period of time. It’s my trigger. My alarm system. I feel insecure because I don’t know my worth.

My worth can never be found in how much someone wants me, approves of me, recognizes me, or loves me. This is good to know!! Because the second I am not wanted, approved of, recognized or loved, I may question my value and deem myself “worthless.”

But my worth is NOT found in others’ desire of me.  My worth is found in God. HE is that source!! He deeply WANTS me . . . and not because He needs anything from me! He is completely filled in and of Himself, and the only source that can fill me!

I was starting to wonder how so many people who desperately need to be wanted, desired, given value and love would find it among each other. Would we enter a type of business agreement—I’ll show love to you and you show love to me?  I feel that there is something lacking in that.

I feel like that is so superficial, because really there is no source behind it, no power!!

The only source of love is God. We love because He first loved us!! There is no way I can love someone the way they really need to be loved without the supernatural love of God. And there is no way I can find that love from anyone without God!!

So God, help me, help me find that love in You. Fill me up. And then help me learn how to truly desire, celebrate, and love others with the source of love YOU provide!!

“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him” (1 John 4:16).

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7).