I’m a girl. I’m sitting here right now with a small stash of dark chocolate. I just got back from a fun visit with a dear friend to hold and admire her darling newborn, and have a heart-to-heart over what God’s been doing in our lives. I came home to my mom and a friend painting her kitchen and was asked to snap some pictures—I immediately directed them into cute girlie poses. And some girlfriends and I have a fun aerobics night planned for this evening! Not that a guy doesn’t like chocolate and newborns, heart-to-hearts and aerobics —and perhaps even girlie poses—but the way that I do these things, really everything I do, is in a particularly girlie way. I’m a girl!
I remember sitting and reading Disney’s Cinderella with a young boy neighbor at 5 years old. At the “Happily Ever After” ending, he reached over and gave me a hug and said that that was going to be us someday (were my parents supervising and who this was, I have no idea!!). But for some reason, his reaction thrilled me! The idea of being Cinderella in a beautiful dress, admired and loved by my Prince, mmmm . . . and that someone wanted to be that with me!! Woa!! I was hooked. Romance entered my world . . . and hasn’t left since! I’m a girl.
In an increasingly sexless (gender confused) culture, I wonder if saying that I admire the differences in men and woman and LOVE the distinct and unique creativity He put in each of them is politically correct. But I do!!! I love men and I love women! And I celebrate the differences! It fascinates me how we are so different.
I have two brothers, two brothers-in-law, and three sisters. I also have multiple friends, mentors, students and coworkers of both genders. I interact with both men and women and am amazed and intrigued by specific tendencies each gender has. I mean, for sure we are all human, we are all equal, we interact and operate on very very similar levels, but there are differences, and I love it. To me, seeing these differences confirms in my mind that God created two wholly unique genders. And if He created it that way, there must be a purpose—and I love seeing purpose!
Perhaps I break the mold of the typical valley-girl (where I live in Southern California) female, in that I hate shopping and high heels, and tend to be a bit focused and rational. And unfortunately there are stereotypes that are inaccurate and confining for either sex, but I believe that I’ve been given a deeply feminine heart. And I believe that the redeemed essence of that heart is beautiful. I’m not sure of all that that means exactly, but I know that God created me a woman and I love being a woman! J
I love men too! Unfortunately, it hasn’t always been that way. Somewhere between the wanting to have my Prince at five years old and through the age of 15, I interacted with some not-so-good men. I learned to fear them, and—I dislike saying this so much!—even hate them. Lacking good love from good men, I started to believe that all men were bad. It wasn’t unnatural for me to come to these adolescent conclusions based on my experiences, but it was sadly wrong! I was missing out! And for about ten years I did miss out as I closed myself off from that gender. But praise the Lord, God intervened when I didn’t even know I needed it!
I loved God. For sure I did. And I found it so interesting to me that God, portrayed as a male in the Bible, made the female heart and knew exactly what He designed our heart to want and what He purposed them for—especially since, for so long, my female heart did not feel cherished or wanted or loved and I felt ashamed to be female with men in general. But I believed God’s purpose, more than I believed my own experience. I guess that’s faith. I began to pray that God would teach me how to love men and teach me how to begin to trust.
I LOVE my brothers and my brothers-in-law. Every one of them is the most guy-guy (military, truck-driver, linemen, extreme sports, video games), and yet the most tender-hearted, sweet men that I know. I began to pray for my relationships with them first. I began to open up, to let down some walls, be vulnerable, to let them serve me and love me, and share their knowledge (things I would never have done before). Today, I could cry right now at how sweetly they treat me. I feel honored to have such precious, loving and giving men in my life.
I’ve also been able to slowly, but steadily open up to a group of male friends in my life. I will never forget the day that I opened up with a single male friend last year. I shared something I was deeply ashamed of, something from my past, something I was so afraid that if a guy found out, he would use against me. It wasn’t even that bad, but for me it seemed horrible. It made me weak. It made me vulnerable. It opened me up to rejection, and to my experience and hurt being marked invalid. I fretted for two days as I wondered how this male friend would react. Would he think I was a ridiculous girl? Would he feel sorry for me? Would he not know how to react and just ignore me? I cried in regret of putting my story “out there”—of telling him anything.
But, also in God’s beautiful plan of redeeming these ugly and sad parts of my life, his response finally came and brought me more tears. Tears of joy and disbelief. I did not tell him at the time, but I could not IMAGINE a better response. I felt such acceptance and love and empathy and care and validation. All the strong emotions I felt made me feel like I could have married him that day! (although that by itself would have been a poor reason to marry someone!) . . . but he became a friend. I put myself out there, and he came through. He accepted me, he loved me. He, at that moment, redeemed all men in my heart and mind to me. There are good men. Men willing to give . . . without even asking for something. He was Jesus to me that day, and I will never forget it.
I heard somewhere, in my years of being counseled, that, statistically, for every bad experience someone has with a particular thing, he needs seven good experiences with that thing to counter the deep rooted belief that bad experience gave. This is encouraging and discouraging at the same time . . . deep sigh out. Discouraging because this means I’m going to need a LOT of good experiences! J But encouraging because I believe it is possible. I’ve continued to put myself in a position of vulnerability with men since then—and have come away with amazing and beautiful and tear-jerking experiences of Jesus- love from very good men. And as I come away with this love that they give me, I realize that I’ve been missing out on the greatness God created in men—the bravery, the courage and sacrifice, the strength and stability, and humor and care and insight and love. I remember the day I asked God to teach me to love men and I look at where I am now. Wow, thank You God. Thank You for nudging me when I didn’t know there was something I was missing out on!
And although it's still a journey, and I don't think I've near "arrived," I think about how much I’ve been loved on, and it makes me want to love back so much. To love so sincerely and sacrificially as a sister. I almost feel bad at how much I've been given and how little I've been able to give back. But this was my time to receive, and that's okay. It makes me want to love all the more!
And so I see differences. I’ve always seen differences. But now I celebrate them. I love being a woman, and I love being in a world with men and women. I thank God for His creativity of male and female!! J
And although Jesus is my greatest love and Prince, and I don’t want to idolize romance or marriage . . . but perhaps I can again wait for my man to come . . . in His time J . . . okay, I know that’s girlie . . . but I can’t help it!! I'm a girl.
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