The Longing and the Not Yet

I’ve had the great privilege of becoming a mentor to a sweet little itty bitty eight year old. She does gymnastics, and cheer, and soccer, and loves all things pink and girly, and unicorny. She’s a chatterbox when it’s just us two, but grabs my hand and hides her face when she meets new people. I knew I loved her the day I met her.

After bringing her to an event where she met some of my friends and their families, she asked me from the back seat of the car as I drove her home how I had become her mentor. I explained the process. “Did you,” she began cautiously, “pick me?” I smiled at her through the rearview mirror: “Yes, I picked you.” I didn’t have a good answer for her next question of WHY I had picked her, or the next question . . .

Having recently joined a “forever family,” belonging was hot on her mind. Would I stay with her? Would I continue to meet with her? Was there anything about her that made me want her . . . or not want her? . . . were the questions I read between the questions. She had longed to belong, and now she longed to never lose it.

In many ways, I identify with this sweet girl. Though coming from vastly different backgrounds, I’ve definitely experienced enough hurt to ask the question, “Does anyone want me?” I’ve experienced the longing . . . often for which I don’t even know.

A single friend confided in me this week that she longs to be pursued. Another friend just updated her blog post on their journey with adoption as her and her husband long for their child. Still another longs to move past the toddler stage, and I can think of many others waiting, longing, desiring.

And I long . . . for a family, for a job promotion, for a ministry calling, to go back overseas . . . for something.

Filled with a myriad of emotions the other night, I brought the issue to God. What is it? What is it I long for? What feels wrong or missing? I prayed hard that day for wisdom and truth. And as I prepared dinner that night, it came in one soft word . . . eternity.

This isn’t it, Emily, I felt Him say. What you long for is not quite here. I have friends, family, community, and may one day have my own family . . . but there is something more that I want. I heard myself echoing the question of my little mentee during my “making dinner” conversation with God: Did You . . .  pick me? Do You want me? . . . Yes, I picked you, I heard His love and assurance. Felt His smile . . His desire. 

I leaned in. In the midst of the odd combination of discomfort and beauty, I embrace the longing. It keeps me leaning in toward my true home . . . eternity. It keeps me leaning in even closer toward Him.

As an Athlete

As I’m watching the Winter Olympics this season, a part of me gets a bit emotional. I feel both a sense of patriotic pride and just sheer admiration of the skill and hard work that these athletes' performances represent. I even tear up when a US medal is given and the anthem is played. Years of practice culminated in this final moment— winning. Victory.

The image of the athlete has always represented more than just physical power for me—it’s reached my soul. Even when I ran cross country in high school, I pictured the spiritual journey of the Christian—endurance.

These exciting moments of Olympians like snowboarder Shaun White, as they perform for the world and claim gold medals for their country, bring roaring applause and lauded glory. But we all know that there is much preparation behind that moment of glory. Not every day of the athlete is exciting. Many are filled with hard work and are often just plain boring.

Champion Eagles quarterback Nick Foles did not bring his team to a Superbowl win out of mere luck. And you may have seen tabloids featuring the workout routines or strict diets of athletes Michael Phelps or Tom Brady.

The Bible also uses the metaphor of the athlete for the Christian. First Corinthians 9 uses language like competing for a prize, disciplining the body, and not becoming disqualified.

But what I’ve noticed about the Christian life is that there are more non-glorious moments than glorious. Well, at least to our own eye.

They are the little moments of habit, same ol’ same ol’, getting up in the morning, doing what we’re called to do, and going to bed at night. And doing it all over again the next day.

But I believe that it’s in those quiet non-glorious moments of routine and simple discipline done in faith that God may be developing the most glorious parts of our soul—character.

Character to be patient with that person who’s just a little hard to be around. Character that chooses the harder thing when the easier and more comfortable looks a bit more attractive. Character that is faithful, has hope, and endures. Character that makes us strong. 

It's not easy or quick or something we develop ourselves. It is the Holy Spirit who forms it in us through the specific training He's creatively designed for each of our lives. And sometimes, in training, it may be hard to see the big picture, but He sees it. 

There will be those moments when our spiritual endeavors prove our growth, such as when we get a chance to share the Gospel or speak into another believer’s life. Those moments of when we can see the fruit of God working in our lives. And those ARE glorious moments. But they are few.

Most days are the in-between moments like right now. The everyday. Day in and day out.

So, let us be faithful. Let us do what we know we’re supposed to do in this moment. Let us run with endurance, fight the good fight, and discipline our “body.”

For perseverance will produce character, and character will produce hope.

Now, picture this. The most heroic athlete of all time takes the stage. He has competed and He has won. He is given the most beautiful gold medal ever seen-- in fact, it's a gold crown. Many of them. And then, spontaneously, and with heartfelt joy and admiration, the whole stadium, wide as the eye can see and beyond, stand and join in this anthem: “Holy, Holy, Holy . . . is the Lord God Almighty." 

Let's follow Him who was and is faithful.

Romans 5:3-5
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

1 Corinthians 9: 25- 27
"Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified."

Hebrews 12:1
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us."

A Journey of Faith, A Story of Doubt

            I read in an article last week that one does not argue for the existence of light—you just see it. I didn’t know how much that visual would mean to me as I journeyed through my own bout of doubt these past few weeks.

            It started a few weeks ago, as I stood in my classroom explaining the difference between a clause and a phrase in grammar, and my blood sugar dropped. Being hypoglycemic, I knew the feeling all too well, and instantly regretted drinking only a smoothie in the morning, rather than having a hearty breakfast. I suddenly couldn’t think of words or finish my sentences (common symptoms), and as I saw myself going through the motions, my anxiety heightened. I wondered what my students might think of me, especially with it being only the second week of the semester.

            As I stood in the classroom, a string of questions seemed to blare from a megaphone in my mind: “Who do you think you are? Are you qualified or capable of doing this job? What must your students think of you?” In truth, I was qualified. In truth, I have taught grammar for almost ten years. In truth, I’ve been told by dozens of students and evaluators that I teach well. But the questions of doubt seemed to drown out the truth.

            I went home that day, discouraged.

That night, I bought a book on prayer at the Christian bookstore—Fervent. I had heard good things about this book, and suspected that I was encountering some spiritual warfare, and needed some strategized prayer. In addition to the anxiety and hypoglycemia, I was having another health issue, and was also struggling with some discouragement. I had mentioned this newly released book to a friend just that past weekend, and thought that perhaps I could use the book myself.

            I began reading that night, and praying. I believed God would use prayer as my way toward victory in the areas I was battling.

            I saw a doctor and got on a medication, and began being more faithful in a healthy diet of frequent, high-protein meals and low sugar.

            However, as the week went on, my health didn’t improve, my anxiety didn’t go away, and I was still discouraged. In fact, things seemed to worsen and my mind clouded. I almost felt like someone had taken a spray can and sprayed a foggy mist over my brain. I felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me, and God wasn’t helping me, even while I was praying.

            I work with a lot of people of different religious backgrounds, and a common question that comes to my mind is: how do I know that I have the truth and these people of other religions do not? Have I simply been indoctrinated, as I believe they have been, by being born in the country I was born in, and raised in the family and church I was raised in?

            Usually I answer that question with affirmative thanksgiving that God has been gracious to show me truth. However, this time, paranoia set in. Perhaps Christianity is simply a big industry, out to gain power, influence, and wealth, as everyone else is. I, myself, haven’t really seen the original documents of the Bible, or heard an audible voice of God, or seen a profound miracle. How do I know that my mind hasn’t created the voice that I call “God” and have heard so frequently since I was a child? That the miracles and growth in my life aren’t just things that happen because of circumstances, and I was attributing them to a God I wished were true?

            I wondered if it wasn’t just too “convenient” that Christianity says that you need “faith” to believe something without seeing it. I mean, wouldn’t we call someone who did that in any other area of life, a fool?

            It wasn’t that I wanted to believe something else. No other belief system was particularly attractive to me. And it wasn’t that I was trying to avoid God’s authority in my life. I just simply didn’t know how I could know truth . . . how I could know . . . that I know . . . Jesus.

            But I wanted to. I wanted to believe that everything the Bible taught was true.

I mean, Jesus had been my closest friend through all these years, had changed my life, had taught me to lean in close and watch Him work. I didn’t want to lose Him, and I didn’t want it all to be just a perception of a truth that doesn’t really exist.

And so, I struggled. Physically, emotionally, relationally, mentally, and now spiritually. I felt like every area of my life was under attack. I felt like I was drowning in a mess of hopeless circumstances, and the very God that I reached out to, may or may not really be there to help me in the midst of them.

A week into my struggle, I began making a list of “Reasons for Christianity.” It was a messy list, scribbled on legal pad pages. Just whatever came to mind each day. I tried to organize the words and phrases into categories: God, nature, Christians, love, beauty, philosophy, unity, satisfaction, peace, revelation, wisdom, choice, human nature, transcendence, testimonies, sacrifice, peace, insight, math, creativity, morality, logic, ideas, spirits, patterns, history, grace, intricacy and continued revelation in the Bible, animosity towards Christians in the world, answered prayers, conscience, birth, spread of Christianity, martyrs, and consistency of life with the Bible. I made lists within my lists.

 I had overwhelming evidence, and yet my mind filtered every thought through doubting questions. I doubted my own mind.

That’s when I read the article about light. No one could argue that light existed—I just needed to see it. And at that point, I could not see it.

All of this was profoundly discouraging . . . more than anything else I was going through. I was praying fervently every morning before work, writing out verses and prayer cards and putting them where I could see them throughout the day: on my desk, in my car, in my purse. I asked people to pray for me.

But I was afraid to admit to anyone what I was going through. I didn’t want to tell them I was questioning my faith. That in fact, I doubted it. But in my messiness, it was hard to hold it back.

I’ve recently started meeting with a friend weekly to check in and pray. I was fearful of telling this very friend, who was so excited of us meeting together, that I was now doubting my faith. I was afraid of her disappointment as I sat across from her and told her that I wasn’t sure what I believed.

As I met with two other friends for lunch last week, I had waited too long to eat, and couldn’t make up my mind of what to order. My brain got fuzzy. Being overwhelmingly discouraged with the onset of low blood sugar, I quietly dismissed myself to the restroom, where I promptly sat on the floor and cried. My friend came in to look for me, and through tears, I told her what I hoped she wouldn’t judge me for: I questioned the truth of Jesus.

After lunch, I made my way over to my mentor’s house. She and her husband opened their Bible with me, read me verses, and prayed over me.

With all of them, I was afraid of judgment, but met grace and understanding. And yet, I still doubted.

That week I watched a movie on prayer in the theater—War Room. Doing our battle against the enemy in a specific room for prayer. I cried during the whole movie. One, because it was powerful and I had done so many Bible studies written by some of the main actors and I was reminded of all the truth they conveyed. And two, I cried for what I once knew to be true. I wrote that night: “In the dark I move toward a light source, because at one time I’ve seen the light and I know it’s there.”

I also believed I was experiencing spiritual attack.

I decided to keep on reading my book on prayer. And to keep praying. I had to move forward. I had to trust God to bring me around. I didn’t want to die without knowing truth, without knowing Jesus, and I didn’t want to live without Him either.

Yesterday, I stopped to get gas after work. A very thin, pale boy about 16 years old with shoulder length red-dyed hair was carefully pulling in to the station to get gas when the guy behind him honked his horn and called the teen ager a dumb***. Honestly, the boy was going very slowly (he looked like a new driver), but I felt like the other driver had overreacted. I felt for the boy as I watched him nervously get out to pump his gas. Something about him made me feel that he had experienced a very unforgiving world.

I wished I could get out of my car that moment and say something to him. Tears started streaming down my face as I sat there, and whispered to God: We are lost without a Savior, God. We have nothing if we don’t have Jesus. Without Jesus, nothing in life makes sense.

I did have something to give that boy . . . to tell him. I had Jesus.

And it was then . . .  that moment . . .  that the fog lifted. I knew I loved the Bible. I knew I loved Christians and people. And most of all, I knew I loved Jesus.

I don’t know if the doubts will come again. But I do know that although all my evidence affirms Him, it couldn’t argue for Him... by itself. I had to see Him.

And I have seen Him! I know Him! I’ve heard Him. I love Him, and know His love for me.

Do I still have struggles? Sure. I’ll always have struggles. But He has overcome the world. And I can face tomorrow because He lives!

And I do have an enemy . . . who has to flee at Your Great Name!

That night, I went to a party at a friend’s house. The friend, not knowing what I was going through, pulled me aside and said that God laid it on her heart to give me this verse.

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me” – Micah 7:7-8 (emphasis mine).

I am quite certain that the sum total of all of these “coincidences” throughout my life would not be possible. Jesus truly is the one Who holds the whole world together. He directs my steps. He is the answer to hurt, and hopelessness, and questions and doubt. And He is big enough to bring us out of it.

Family ... and the Church Family :)

I remember as a young girl when my mom first told me she was pregnant with my brother. She was so excited and I caught her excitement. I was old enough to understand, and something leaped inside me! We didn’t know if it was a boy or girl, but I knew I loved this baby. And as with my other siblings, from the moment he was born, until this day, I have loved him so much!

Before we even knew him, we loved him. Not because he did anything, or looked a certain way . . . but because he was part of the family.

Family.

My favorite memory may be surprising, but brings a huge smile to my face every time I think back to it—cleaning up after dinner. For some reason, we all loved to do it together, and it often broke out into silly songs, and then dancing, and craziness. Yes, we could harmonize a country song, or Veggie Tales!, or we would teach my mom a dance and laugh at her try it. One brother would beat box, and a sister start chanting her newest rhyme from cheerleading. We would all chime in with a line, or beat, or talk with different accents or voices! And sometimes it would lead to the pianos (yes we had two!) and guitars for a Beatles or One Republic song.  It was crazily ridiculous, and we were probably the only ones who thought it was funny or enormously fun. But we all loved it. It brought us together.

We certainly don’t have a perfect family. My parents recently divorced after 27 years of marriage, and at the two weddings I attended in the summer of their divorce, I sat silently thinking something I had never thought before: “These vows may be permanent. This relationship may last.”  The divorce and what led up to it, unintentionally sent my siblings and I in varying directions. Our concept of “family” was shaken. We didn’t have the sit-down meals we had enjoyed together every day up until then. Holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings, all became awkward (at the least). And worst of all, we didn’t talk about it too much. It was a touchy subject for various reasons. And, to be honest, it was a huge loss . . . and needed to be grieved.

But praise God, He has led each of us to a place of processing and healing. Individually, and more recently, together. I’m not only thankful for what He’s brought us through, but also very hopeful of how He’s bringing us back together. Just as nothing hurt my heart so much as the brokenness of my family, nothing brings me such joy as seeing the restoration and love of being reconnected. God is good.

Through all of this, I’ve gone to God often to know His intention with family. I have friends that come from both connected families and from more broken ones. And unfortunately, it seems that the dysfunctional and broken ones are more common. But with my friends that come from solid and connected families, I look on with longing and a smile. What an amazing and beautiful picture of what God intended for relationship and connection!

I don’t know why it surprises me so much that God is such a God of relationship, but He is! The more I get to know Him, the more I feel His heart and excitement and intention for relationship. It thrills Him, and that thrills me.

But I’ve gotten to know that His heart reaches even beyond the immediate family.  He longs for His church to experience a type of family-like relationship. And I’ve certainly experienced that with believing friends within the church!

One attribute unique to a family, is that no matter what one member does, they are still our family. There is a belonging that can’t be reversed, even if we stop talking with each other! We’re still family.

We are the ones that are often there for their highest highs and for their lowest lows. We cheer them on and stand beside them at their accomplishments. We bail them out of jail, and hug them through rehab. We all crowd together in one row, even if I’m sitting between my parents, to stand up and cheer the loudest for my brother’s high school graduation or my sister’s singing performance.

We are family.

I know God created them to function differently, but I think the family does give a picture for the church in some ways.

With those in my local church, I commit to relationship with them, and everything that comes with that. We experience so much fun and love! But I also enter community understanding that we’re going to disagree and get in conflicts. But through all of this, we become closer. We will set boundaries, and we will confront, but the goal will always be restoration, relationship. When one person goes off the “deep end,” we understand we’re all in this together, and love them back to us. When we can’t agree, we pray, we go to leadership. But we’re committed. We belong to each other.

We ask the deep questions, and the “What’s your favorite animal?” questions! We know, accept, and protect each other. We are proud of each other. We love, sometimes poorly, often deeply.

We don’t do it perfectly. We sin, hurt, and get hurt. But Christ holds us together through love, and we come back together, because...

... we are family.

I’m a huge cheerleader of “boundaries,” but I’ve sometimes misunderstood or wrongly applied them. Sometimes I will simply cut off a relationship in which I feel run-over or hurt. But John Townsend’s “Beyond Boundaries” seeks to clarify that boundaries are meant to bring us into healthier relationships, not into isolation. This quote really resonates with me:

If the person you love most looked at you and said, ‘I don’t want you anymore,’ and you thought, Oh well, that’s a choice you have a right to make, with no emotional response, that is a problem… Problems with love and relationships should feel bad—and that is good. But wounds should not stay wounds. They need to heal. A relational wound needs to be resolved so that you get back to normal life—that is, being in healthy connections… If it is relationship that wounded you, it is relationship that is required to heal you. (John Townsend)

I love this because it reminds me that even in the midst of hurt or brokenness, relationship in love and inter-dependence is God’s goal for us. And it is an amazing gift!!

I am so thankful for the joy of both my immediate family and my church family!!!

Potential

One of my roommates recently introduced me to the popular American reality TV show “The Voice.” 

Similar to American Idol, contestants come from around the US to audition for the singing competition, and a panel of famous singers judge, and later choose, contestants that they want to “join their team.”

What makes this show different is that when the contestants come to sing their debut at the interview, the judges are facing the audience and cannot see who is singing. One contestant, with an amazing falsetto, actually sang Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” and the judges were shocked when they turned around to discover it was a guy! 

The judges can choose to turn their seat around during the song if they would like the opportunity to coach the singer. Throughout the song, the audience can see the judges’ faces, as each one deliberates over who they believe has talent . . . has potential, and if they would like to turn their seat around.

Overall, the show was really fun, and I enjoyed shouting out, “They’ve got talent!! Turn around, turn around!!”

But what struck me most was how quickly, and accurately, each judge could determine what they believed to be talent or potential. They even prided themselves in this skill. The competition was as much about the singers themselves, as it was about the judges who recognized their potential and later coached them. 

Later that same day, at the gym, I briefly watched a documentary on the life of a certain professional basketball player who had come from both poverty and family dysfunction. Amidst the odds against him for success, a scout spotted him at a high school game, and recognized potential. 

The key word was potential. The teenager certainly had talent, but he needed a lot of work. But the scout saw it . . . he envisioned what this boy could become. And the boy did. 

How absolutely motivating might a job like those of the judges on “The Voice,” or the basketball scout be!!! I was blown away thinking about it. How would it be to wake up in the morning and put on lenses that could see what others couldn’t see? To know what to look for that others didn’t know to look for!!!

The concept of recognizing potential still blows me away.

I notice this concept of spotting potential in many areas of my own life.

As a teacher, I’m constantly noticing that of my students. Not only do I teach the content and skills comprising each individual class, but I also often assume a “coach” role in many of their lives. They ask for advice regarding their future education, job searches, cultural uncertainties, even relationships. I mostly find myself simply listening and trying to encourage what they are already doing. But sometimes I wish I could “see” them even better, notice where their greatest strengths are and gently direct them to follow these strengths!

I also see “potential spotting” in ministry leadership. One of my sweet friends, and an amazing leader, encompasses what I admire as a “potential spotter.” She’s a pro!!!

At leadership meetings, she brings up lists of people she sees potential in, and in what areas. Her heart and spiritual gift is to be a Shepherder, and she’s constantly thinking about how to guide people to use their gifts, and she’s great at it! I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat in her office or across a lunch table to talk about the potential she sees either in myself, or in others. And she’s often “right on the money.” Again, how cool is it to wear those lenses of looking for potential!!

I don’t claim to understand the seemingly dueling truths of election and free will, but I do know that God spots potential to its fullest! Both in people and in situations, and that hope thrills me! I know that He’s created good works for me to walk in, and that no mind can imagine the things He has prepared for those who love Him. 

I often wish that I could tap into seeing THAT potential!! Who could the Body of Christ be as we fulfill the potential we were made for, we are called to?? 

What an awesome hope to set my imagination to on a lazy sunny afternoon!

This potential in my own life will probably be different from what I might expect. As I see more and more that everything I am and have is for God’s glory, not my own.  But this is encouraging!! Just as the competition in The Voice was as much about the judges as it was about the singers, to a much greater, and completely perfect degree!!, God’s working to show off His Bride is for His Glory!! 

And I revel at the thought that the God of the universe chose me, to be on His team so to speak, to train me in my potential, and to show off what He is able to do!!

And I believe His call in my life is to recognize potential in others.

Unsaved people I meet in the hallway, or at the printing office, in the classroom, or at the grocery store, while I’m walking at the Lake or grabbing coffee at a café, these precious ones, made in His image, imago dei, could come to life through the Holy Spirit and be image bearers, now, of the Son!! They could believe and have their lives transformed!!

And saved people. Whether from dysfunctions of the worse kind, or from sin bondages of the deepest darkness, these people can and do CHANGE! Through the Word, the Holy Spirit, and the working of the Body in community, PEOPLE CHANGE. I’m certainly living proof of that.

Jesus, let me really “see” as you do, everyone I meet. Let me see that lives can be transformed. That people can change. That You have an eye for, a vision, for those You love so much!! Let me see too!! Let me see potential.

A Sign . . . To Know His Will

My small group and I recently went to visit some homeless people living in their cars in a certain parking lot in a poor area of town. As we made plans, I called a friend of ours to ask if he could play guitar and sing worship songs during the event. “Emily,” he said with a tone of disbelief, “I don’t know if you believe in signs from God, but I haven’t played in a while and I JUST sat down to play right now. I’m in.” 

“I TOTALLY believe in signs from God!” I assured him, and was excited he would be a part of it!

The night that we planned to leave, his strings broke and he couldn’t play. Was it a sign after all? Was God seeing his willingness, or providing a way for him to come out with us?

Some other things turned out differently than I thought they would too. We ended up talking more with the staff that worked in the parking lot than the homeless people. We did talk with one older homeless woman for quite a while. We listened both to her beautiful singing and to her testimony. One thing that caught my attention as she spoke, was that God had “told her” that bad things had occurred in her life because of something that she did as a child. That broke my heart. 

The character of God that I have come to know more and more doesn’t act in the way that she described.

This reminded me of my all-too-familiar question: how do I know when God speaks? I remember reading Oswald Chambers years ago saying that someone can know the will of God simply by obeying Him in the present moment. I remember a pastor giving the simple formula: 1) Is there strong desire? 2) Is it Biblical? 3) Is there an open door?

I’ve stuck to these godly principles from godly men, but I still struggle with knowing His will.

This past week was Spring Break for me. To God’s glory, I had one pleasant surprise after another… some of which were extreme discounts on various activities!!

From a great Groupon with paddleboarding, to a “Ladies Night” discount with rock climbing, to a free massage because my student happened to be the receptionist of the place I went to and wanted to treat me, these small yet awesome gifts made me smile! I actually made a list of all the discounts and free things from the week! 

During one day, while I was riding a bike around the beach of an island and reflecting on the week, I spotted a $10 bill on the bike path right in front of me. As I slowly bent down to get it, I hesitated, “God, this is SO strange.” Was this a sign?

I felt sure that God wanted me to give the $10 away and spent the next couple days trying to figure out who He wanted me to give it to. Who was in need? I kept my eye out. I even made a special trip to a nearby park to specifically look for someone, or wait for God to say, “This is the one.” After the week I was having, I REALLY wanted to give the $10 back to someone! But every time I thought it was this person or that, they would take off. I kept thinking I heard God say, “This is the one,” but it wasn’t. Because they left before I could get to them.

And that gnawing feeling of, “Am I hearing You? Are you speaking to me, or is this my own mind making things up?” came back again.

This is an “old feeling” because I’ve wrestled with this concept for the past year and a half. I’ve been praying about going back overseas. It’s so strange to me because I have such a strong desire to go and such a strong desire to stay. I’ve made pros and cons lists, I’ve looked up opportunities. I’ve wondered about my motives. I’ve asked if I’m seeking adventure or not wanting to be content with the familiar and stable. I’ve asked if I’m afraid of uprooting, giving up a good job, leaving a community I’m so close to. I’ve deliberated for months and months and almost physically feel the yearning in my heart to know His will.

I’m specifically interested in going to a country that is fairly dangerous and even at war periodically. I started praying even more strongly about this country during Christmas, and thought that I would take my break in South America to really seek God about it. The day that I was leaning toward going, I encountered unsuspected danger on a trip to a beach. My brother and I were accosted by men with knives. Thank God, we got away unharmed. But the horror stayed with me for weeks. I had nightmares. I jumped at little things, loud things. How could I go to a country at war, when all I wanted was to be in the safety of America? Now, THAT was a sign.

Or was it? Was it a sign that danger can happen wherever I am? Or a sign that God can protect me no matter the danger?

As a teenager I used to play “lay the fleece out” with God. I figuratively imitated the Bible story of Gideon seeking to know God’s will. Gideon asked God to make a piece of cloth wet while the ground around it was dry. He desperately wanted confirmation of God’s word with a sign. I don’t do this anymore, but I think at the time, God may have honored my desire to seek Him and trust Him, and I believe often spoke to me.

However, as I’ve grown in the Word and in my relationship with Him, I’ve noticed a change in the way we relate. Certainly, I wouldn’t go back to the way it was. I know Him and His heart so much more now, and feel so much closer to Him. But things are more complicated.

I find myself asking if I’m hearing Him, or being deceived by my own flesh, or even by a demonic source. I am much more rooted in the Word than I’ve ever been, and aim to base my actions and even very thoughts on the Word. 

But there wasn’t an answer in the Word about what to do with the $10!!

Today was my last try. I went to Sprout’s for my weekly grocery shopping with $20 to give this time, determined to find someone who needed money.

There’s a word in Thai, Graing Jai, which doesn’t have an English translation, because we really don’t have its concept in American culture. The word expresses a strong uncomfortable feeling of the heart that happens when someone feels indebted to someone. If someone gives a gift, or pays for something, we would often say “I feel Graing Jai.” I feel obligated to you, vulnerable and even uncomfortable that you treated me, when I can’t give you anything back.

That was the feeling I felt with the $10. I felt Graing Jai toward God. And in response, I coolly didn’t want to accept it. 

As I did my shopping, I (surely awkwardly!!) observed people all around me. I smiled, started conversations here and there, to see what would come of it. 

But something happened that I didn’t expect. My mind started wondering about all the people around me. They were ordinary people, but what were their backgrounds? Not to be depressing, or morbid, but I wondered who was hurting and in what ways. Who had physical illnesses?  Who didn’t have family to spend Easter with tomorrow? Who suffered from abuses or neglect as a child? Who felt so lonely? Who struggled with insecurity, depression, anorexia, getting or keeping a job? Who wanted to take their own life? Who was asking, “Why?” about everything in their life and couldn’t find answers?

Suddenly, the store that I frequented went from the place I needed to find my groceries in the shortest amount of time and get in the shortest line to get out the door from, to a place brimming with life. From a sea of faces, to the lives of real backgrounds, real people. 

I wondered how cool it would be to see as God does . . . to see a person WAY BEYOND what I see on the outside! 

And my heart filled with love.

I felt God immediately give me the following verse.

“And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing” (1 Cor. 13:3).

Whether I give $10 away, or gladly receive it from my God who is a great Giver, and whether I go to a country where I may even be martyred, or stay in the hardship of routine and consistency . . . these, are not my greatest questions to deliberate on.

His Word is sure—I am called to LOVE. To LOVE!!

To receive His love, to abide in His love, to give His love. 

I'm not sure of what that looks like completely, but I do have some ideas. I've certainly experienced a lot of love from Him!

Well, for now, Lord, I know Your will is for me to love!! Continue to lead me and teach me Holy Spirit in what that looks like. To GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Masked Men

My brother and I recently visited a South American country. My uncle has a house down there, so we could stay with him for free, making it a pretty cheap and easy between-semesters vacation! Overall, it was an amazing trip. Beautiful beaches, and acres and acres of open farmland and jungle. Sweet, beautiful people. Delicious food!

But we did have a scare.

My uncle, brother and I decided to visit a particularly pristine and stunning beach just before sunset. We rode in on quads, me on the back with my brother driving, down some dirt roads, beautiful jungle trees on either side of us, some houses here and there, cows, chickens. We finally reached the beach, took a swim in the clear warm water, a walk among the tide pools, sat in awe to watch the colorful sunset. 

I felt so at peace as we loaded up right after sunset to ride back. My uncle rode on a bit ahead of us, and I started humming “There is no God like You” in the warm, lazy air, as my brother rolled us along. 

I still remember it with that dream-like feeling, but it was real. Three men suddenly came out of the trees into the middle of the road in front of the quad my brother and I were on. They were masked, and each holding a machete. The guy in the middle pointed his machete straight out toward us, as if holding a gun (I originally thought it was a gun). 

It felt like the next ten seconds were more like ten minutes. So much flashed before me. I’ve had two scary things happen to me in my life and prayed in those moments, but I didn’t even pray in this minute. I do remember I screamed, the type you probably never want to hear. I think I thought we were going to die.

I didn’t know what would happen, but of all the things that could go through my imagination, I certainly never expected what did happen. My brother, suddenly, yelled out, as if charging with a football, or riding a horse into battle, and gunned the quad hard straight toward the men. I think it surprised them as much as it did me, and they jumped out of the way for a second, then my brother sped even faster down the road. He said one of the guys chased us for a second, but stopped as we rounded the road. I think I was still in shock to really notice anything.

We were fine. Nothing other than that happened. God protected us, and gave my brother such a great presence of mind. Later, as I kept telling him how proud I was of his courage, he said it was just protective instinct—he didn’t really think about it. What a great brother!! How amazing God makes men! . . . I certainly would have frozen up!

But I was scared. Still scared.

Just knowing we were accosted, seeing big knives pointed at me. But although the weapons certainly held the power, for some reason, it seemed the worst part of the bandits were the masks and what they represented—the unknown. Take my money and camera? Fine. But what else? The not knowing was the most scary.

A friend of mine gave me the book “Spiritual Warfare” the day before I left on the trip, and as I tucked it in my bag, I wondered what God had for me those next two weeks. My Bible study on Luke (I also brought with me) was on the same topic. And truly, there were some themes of spiritual warfare on that trip! But praise God for teaching things in His perfect timing.

Spiritual warfare, I’ve found, is full of masks, full of the unknown. 

Sometimes the most attractive is actually evil, and other times the most ugly-looking may be righteous. Jesus Himself was not beautiful in His earthly body, though He IS so beautiful!!

There were two other masks on this trip.

One was a mask over the idea of the “life force.” My brother and I got closely connected with a community that believed strongly in a type of “energy” and “life force.” Though I love the people, unfortunately the spirits behind these sources of energy were demonic. 

C.S. Lewis describes these people as “the man, not using, but veritably worshipping, what he vaguely calls “Forces’ while denying the existence of ‘spirits’” (Screwtape Letters). 

This was exactly what was happening, and the deception was strong. Those who came under this life force even expressed a need to educate people of their ideology. I kept my mouth shut for the sake of “peace,” but my soul cried out that there was a strong mask pulled over the eyes of those influenced by this “force.”  

The second mask was my own flesh turning against me. I love to meet new people, and easily get into conversations with locals and other travelers . . . had sooo much fun walking around trying to learn Spanish with the sweet locals of the town!!

However, I met a guy around my age from a European country, and after an engaging two-hour conversation, I felt myself wanting to talk with him more. He was expressing how he was uncomfortable with evangelists who come up to him to preach the Gospel. He especially wondered at their motives, and if there was an agenda. He backed off a little when he found out I was a Christian, though I tried to validate his feelings of being put on the defense with people he didn’t even know. I told him I wasn’t offended by what he said and then asked if I could push back a little in a theoretical question. He said he felt comfortable in our conversation and, “Of course.” When I asked if they really believed what they were saying, would they want to tell other people about it, he said it was a good question and he’d have to think about it.

That sent me flying. Maybe he’ll become a Christian! Maybe he’s the . . . stop.

I already know that the first and greatest thing I am looking for in a future husband is his love for God. If after that, there’s attraction and common interests and pursuing on his part, then great, move forward. But certainly, not the other way around. Otherwise, my liking is only of the flesh. And so I knew . . . if this guy doesn’t even love God at all, this liking was of the flesh.

This happened once before, about five years ago, in Thailand. I liked a guy who wasn’t a Christian. It came right at the same week I decided to go full fledge in my pursuit of God and His Word. Coincidence, maybe. But I lean more toward it being spiritual warfare. 

I’ve waited my whole life for a man who loves God, and that’s what I’m strongly attracted to. And then, out of nowhere . . .  someone who doesn’t even like God? Hmm . . . 

No, I think it is another mask. I do certainly pray for this European man that his own masks will come down and he will find the Lord Jesus Christ. But God made it clear that he is not for me, and that my desire for whatever he may have is a mask Satan is dangling before me. Now, I am amazed at the attraction. It was a mirage my own mind created, perhaps with some help. Not reality.

It is embarrassing to tell this story. But I am human . . . and not beyond deception! But praise God for His Holy Spirit to help me fight these battles for truth!

So . . . 

As I look back at the trip, I know that He ordained every single event, every moment. I learned a lot. And had so many sweet moments with Him. He protected me. Taught me. And truly when He says my battle is against the world, the flesh, and the devil, I see it!

As I came back, I realized how much I pray for security. In fact, almost all of last year, I asked God to take away my insecurities, my greatest battle.

But I wonder if, sometimes, God may ask me to pray for the opposite . . .  to take away my securities. For I don’t trust in safe America, in my job, in a reputation or abilities, or even in courageous people or my own mind . . . I trust in the Lord Jesus Christ alone.

He, alone, is my security. 

And that scares me sometimes. 

The day after our attack, I went to my alone time. I sat there for a moment. And then I whispered, “Who are You God? . . . You scare me.” It wasn’t even the men with the masks who scared me as much as my God, my personal friend I was laughing with yesterday, who allowed that to happen. He protected us, but doesn’t always protect everyone.

And I started to think of the destitution, poverty, diseases, abuse, rape, brutality, death, around the world . . . around 50% of the world . . . 50%! And the concept of my good God, powerful strong God, and an evil world, shook me in my quiet time that morning. 

“God?”

But as I processed throughout the next week (telling EVERY PERSON we met our story, hehe!!), He was so sweet. He answered.

In my study on Luke, Beth Moore states, “Satan doesn’t have to get us thinking blatantly satanic thoughts to have victory over us. All he needs is to get us looking at life from man’s perspective rather than God’s. If we surrender our minds to the things of God, we are safe!”  

But she doesn’t conclude that that safety means life, comforts, and prosperity, for that is not His way. In fact the disciples had to learn, “had Jesus saved His disciples the anxiety of His betrayal, His capture, His trials, and His death, He wouldn’t have saved them at all. Without the cross, man had no chance!” (Beth Moore).

And I am called to pick up my cross and follow Him.

Certainly, there is joy, and I continue to pray for safety. And I am soooo thankful He protected us from those men in the jungle! And for such a courageous brother!!

But perhaps the greatest threat, the greatest enemy, the greatest mask, that God saw in my life as He intimately engaged with me, was that I need to see there is no security in this world. Going back to America wasn’t going to preserve me anymore than encountering any foe here on earth. 

My security is already sure in Him. And it is only in Him. And sometimes that is hard. But Lord Jesus I ask that You help me to see, and believe, this truth.

And to walk in JOY in this GREAT GREAT victory!!