Known

My small group and I once sat around to talk about our idiosyncrasies. Rather than tell our own, we had the group tell each individual of a little strange thing we often did. One guy had a certain facial expression, another guy a certain greeting, one girl had a way of clapping her hands together when she was excited, and another played with her hair. “What about me? What about me?” I asked excitedly. Not because I wanted to know something strange about myself, but because I wanted to know that I was KNOWN. Without a moment’s pause, several friends cried out in unison “Waaaaaaa!!!” We all laughed. We knew it was true. I scream “Waaaa” at funny things, scary things, surprising things. But I felt more than humored . . . I felt loved. I was known, and I love to be known.

I have a number of really great friends. I love these people. But also something that I love so much about these friendships is the satisfaction of knowing and being known. What movie they would choose to see, or color they would pick in a shirt, or food item they would order off the menu. What they would say to a corny joke, or to someone’s pain.

I play the “guessing game” with my mom and close friends. Guess where I went today?? Or what I made for dinner or what I did that week. And I make them guess. I just like to be affirmed of how well they know me! And like to guess about them too! J

As I continue on in the Christian walk, and learn more and more that my walk is an ever-increasing Encounter with THE mysterious, all-knowing, all-powerful, Lord over all creation, Most High and Most Holy God, I think of relationship. He called us servants, friends, lovers, children—all terms indicating our RELATIONSHIP with and to Him.

I’ve also often heard of Christianity fondly called a relationship rather than religion. I’ve liked that. Yet, I don’t know that I’ve really understood it.

God.

Mysterious God. A Being. That I can’t see. Listening to me, walking with me, talking with me. Even as I grow CLOSER in my relationship with God, I still doubt. Does He really act like a PERSON?

I’m doing a study on Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the book of Genesis right now. It’s so crazy, yet SOOO thrilling to see how they each engaged with God as a Person. They talked with Him, argued with Him, took Him at His Word and FOLLOWED Him across desert lands, believing that they would own that people-filled land for themselves simply because He said. Not only did they see Him as a Person, but they also saw Him as Most High God, sovereign, and all-powerful to perform His promises. That BAFFLES me. What?? Abraham was called the FRIEND of God. Really? WOW.

When I discovered how much God entered (transcended really) into relationship with people, to call them friends . . . I began to think about how much I myself love relationship. Hmmm . . . I wonder where I got that from?? And there it is. HIM. He loves it.

And I think how I have wanted to be known for quite some time. I remember doing a lip sync contest with some friends my freshman year in college. I was Sporty Spice in our Spice Girl’s song, and I did some acrobatic flips. Hahaha . . . I was a freshman, okay! We won an award, got to compete at another school, got compliments from fellow-classmates for weeks to follow. What surprised me was when a few guys on my cross-country team said that they had no idea I could do that. My immediate thought was, “How could you have known?” But I realized I’ve done the same. I’ve thought I’ve known people just as much as they thought they knew me.

And, oh, I did want to be known. And not just a part, but all of me. As a teenager, I would get a little bit emotional and feel unloved if someone made an assumption or inaccurate conclusion about me. I took it personally. Of course, as an adult, I’m less emotional over it! J And I’m more quick to offer information about myself to correct any misunderstandings. But it still kinda, sometimes, makes me feel bad when I am not known or understood.

And as I see God as a Person, I wonder how He wants to be known. He is such a balance between purposeful mystery, and purposeful revealing. He wants to be known, I think, but He also wants to be hidden. I wonder at this often.

I seek Him so much. I delve into His Word. I do know Him more and more. Personal encounters with Him. Conversations. It’s even His mystery that draws me in. And yet, I don’t know Him. It never just comes all at once, as if “oh, NOW I know Him.” No, it’s as if relational intimacy must be sought after continually with sincerity and time and great interest. He wants to be pursued and REALLY known for who He is!! WOA!!! That’s soooo cool! I feel like that some times. Whether it’s a dating relationship, or any friend trying to get close, I am slow. There is a process. There are levels of relational intimacy. It is neither cheap nor easy to be known. And time is required, and great sincerity. Hmmm . . .

I think of times I would like to say, “Oh, I know so and so,” as if that connection would make me more popular or valuable. I do that with God sometimes too. He is my show-God. And I do believe that God likes to be shown off, and wants me to be proud of Him. I am. He is MOST HIGH GOD. But I am discovering that there is a side of Him that wants to be very personal with me, not just my show-God.

For so long, I’ve wanted to know me. Know thyself, I quote with confidence and courage. I try to let others in, to journey through discovering my gifts and uniqueness, and to value it as good simply because He made me that way.

But oh, let me be silent for just a moment. I’ll get back to me. Believe me, I will.

 Let me know Him.

And as I do, maybe I will discover how very much He wants to know me.

The Christian’s life can NEVER be called boring. If it is ever felt, portrayed in our culture as something that is passive and repressive and cold, I dare to say that is Satan’s work. Because . . . as I know it, the Walk is a heated and courage-demanding and exciting fight and ride every day that I’ve walked it! But more than that, it is KNOWING, personally, the Most High God. Being FRIENDS! Until, that day when I will sit and drink and talk and with Him in PERSON forever and ever and ever.

Come, Jesus, soon.

Growth

My very close friend just had a baby a couple weeks ago. He was premature at over a month early, but I got to visit him in the NICU, and he was the sweetest thing. I began to sing to him, and this little 4-pound baby turned his tiny, doll-like face toward me and opened his eyes to look at mine. He could not eat on his own, maintain his own body temperature, and at times breathe on his own, when he was first born, but he responded so well and quickly to people. They predicted that he would be in the hospital a month. But this little guy was a fighter! He started eating and growing like crazy, and they let him go home after two weeks.

I held him again at their home the other night and watched his older brother come up and roughly throw a toy at his face. I directed his brother to play elsewhere, but thought about this little guy. Everything was against him when he came. He was so weak, so fragile, so small. Unlike other newborns, he doesn’t wake up often nor cry loud. His lungs and sounds are so small. He has to fight to be heard. To cry for the food he needs to make him strong. And yet, he does. Just a few weeks later, and he is nearly 7 pounds. Can a human body grow that fast?? Again, I sang to him, cuddled and kissed him, smiled into his tiny eyes. I felt protective of him. He was precious. But . . .  my greater feeling toward him was admiration! He was a strong little guy! With so very little to work with, He fought with all he had. I wanted to be like him. Yes, I wanted to be like this little 7-pound premie baby.

I think back to the grace that reached down so sweetly to the little girl He saw hiding with the door locked. He knows. He knew. And grace, once again, like rain, falls down on me now. I will go there . . . to the hurt . . .  yes, I will. But I will not stay there. I am strong. I will not hide it in the darkness . . . but neither will I let regret nor disappointment nor loss have a claim over me.

I sit up straight and strong and I talk with my Lord in the closet of our “time.” I will hunger after His Word and cry out for truth, with sometimes but a small voice. I will pursue Him and His Word with all I have. It is the voice of truth to me, what I need to live and to grow, and my heart soaks it in everyday. I know Him more and more.

And I let others in. I take that risk. The ugliness, the brokenness, the shame, can come out. I can cry. I can be weak. Even in public, sometimes, I let my reputation go. I will not hide in shame. That is me. Relationship can only happen to the extent that there is truth, and I want relationship so bad.

But He will get the glory. Because I trust that He will do the healing. I believe it. And if I make a mistake in letting others in, I make a mistake. But I will only know by going there. And so I do.

Here I am. All of me. To You, God. And to others also.

And this little girl says that I cling to hope once again. And perhaps little, sometimes, and certainly precious to Him . . . but I am strong. And, I will cry out for the food that will make me strong. My eyes look up to His song of hope, and I know that there is growth ahead.

It is possible. That such a small one, dependent, can fight for strength. Can find strength. And I hold my own. My own voice. My own heart. My own mind. I feed on His Word, and I grow like crazy.

A Standard

I had a teacher meeting this afternoon after one of my classes. I usually don’t enjoy these meetings, as they tend to be an excuse for negative talking about how poorly students are doing, rather than a positive brainstorming on how to improve as teachers. I often find myself simply “going through the motions” of attending the meetings, contributing what is necessary, and then returning to teaching with the morale, diligence, and creativity of my own convictions. But today I felt a new conviction. Could I be called to be a light not only to my students that I interact with daily, but also with my co-teachers? What a privilege! And how did I get to this place of influence??

As we took turns explaining what we had done that semester for our research project, I found that, for the first time ever, teachers were asking me for ideas and affirmation and input on what they were doing. I felt a shift away from me being the advice- seeker, to others asking me how my students performed so well. And it hit me for the first time, but so profoundly—it is not some magical trick, or some great insight, or even ability on my end. The way that I approach teaching is the way that I approach everything else in life—looking to a higher standard than myself or anyone else, looking to God.

I still get sick at the memory of trying to “cut corners,” not being thorough, when I first started teaching at this particular school. I went to my direct supervisor a year ago to tell her that I had cut some corners, and I knew it was wrong, and I was determined to have a higher work ethic. I think she wasn’t happy with what I had admitted, but was even more shocked that I would tell her. This year, I have put diligence, a strong work ethic, thorough planning and persistent follow-through near the top of my list of priorities. And, as the semester ends, I can look to the Father and say thank You. Thank You for taking me down a path that would make the end better than the beginning, though it is hard to see from the beginning.

I was talking with my teenage brother the other night about procrastination. I have never felt more honored in my life than in the times that he has come in my room, usually late at night, to share his heart and ask me for advice. He’s a senior this year and getting ready to start college, and he doesn’t like school, nor deadlines! We discussed the importance of being faithful in the small pressures of life (papers due, chores around the house, confronting a friend) in order to be entrusted with bigger ones (a career that he loves, a family, a ministry). I thought of my diligence as a teacher in small things that led me to the opportunity to share with other co-workers! I always enjoy our conversations and his humility to grow, but I was left convicted too. What pressures may I not be being faithful in, what passivity inhibits me from staying close to His Word and His way? When do I not strive for His standards, especially when no one else sees?

In the meeting today, conversation turned to a student who wrote a paper on sex outside of marriage. After the initial laughs, all eyes turned to me. I really had no idea why, and had no idea what to say. But I believe the Spirit let me in on the fact that there might be conviction in their hearts. They wanted to know if there was another standard outside of what culture tells us. They knew my strong convictions held a different standard. But their eyes did not accuse or mock, in defense against their own guilty conscience. Instead, I sensed true curiosity. Could sexuality have been created with intentionality and beauty and sacredness the way those with a God say that it was? Or does it remain random, unprotected, unmeaningful, unloving, and unfulfilling the way culture has let them experience it? Could there be another standard and could that standard lead to something better than they’ve ever known? In the past, at unprofessional jobs, I have been questioned, and even mocked, for valuing chastity, virginity, and fidelity within marriage, and often felt afraid and intimidated by those who “ganged up” against me. But I held a standard that was not my own, and the One whose standard it was would fight for me, and He did. However, today I did not feel the mockery, I did not feel fear. I felt compassion. I felt pity. I did view sexuality much differently than those in the room. And that same standard that I placed on purity was related to the standard I used as an employee, as a teacher, as a co-worker. It was a set standard, and one outside of myself, God’s standard.

I know that I could sneak in many ways. Though the word sin has become taboo in even evangelical communities (perhaps in reaction to legalism and to emphasize grace), there is such thing as sin. And sin is disobeying God’s commands, or not doing the good we know we are to do. I certainly can never be perfect. I certainly will continue to fall. I certainly WILL sin, and I will come in repentance again, and again, on my knees. But I can know that trying to follow God in obedience is NOT legalism, nor does it deemphasize grace. It reminds me that there is a set standard. That God loves holiness, which is beautiful. That His commands bring life and blessing. That His way, though I can’t always see it, is the best way.

The past couple months, I’ve had a theme that I believe is Spirit-influenced in my journaling: don’t call shameful what I have called beautiful, and don’t call beautiful what I have called shameful. Secret sins that may be painted as beautiful and romantic or global sins that are flashy and powerful and “in” are indeed shameful if they are sin. And the things that may be less recognized by the world, less elegant and stylish, less noticeably influential, may indeed be beautiful if it is of God. Was it God’s idea to let His Son humbly enter earth and then be mocked, tortured and killed by those who only had power because God had given it to them? And yet, it was. His ways are not always understandable. But I trust them. I trust Him. Let me be faithful to His Word alone, whether the world recognizes it or not. Not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. Not ashamed of the standard.

Because I have hope of something more. There will be an outcome. Diligence in my job produces an end of the semester that I rejoice in! Diligence in relationships produces friendships that I know are true. Diligence in staying close to Him produces a sense of security and protection from the deception of Satan and self. And so, there is a standard, and with the will He lets me have, I choose to stay close to His standard, because it is good. It is holy. And it is beautiful. But even when I fall, and because I will, God will YOU keep me close to Your standard. There, I rest.

Contentment

I stared at the blank index card in front of me. Hmmm . . . what should I write down? What things do I want to learn to be content in?

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I was going to write down something that I wanted and didn’t have—and rather than ask God to give me this thing, I was going to ask Him to teach me to be okay with not having it. Yeah, this was not going to be easy.

We had just started up a new session in my girls’ small group, with a new study—Cultivating Contentment. The assignment was to write down (just to keep to ourselves) a few things that we felt discontent about, and would like to see God teach us to be content in. Just weeks before, I had asked the girls to make a list of what He has been teaching them. I took the lists, prayed over them, and noticed a theme among each girl’s items—a desire for contentment. Okay God, well, that’s easy. Contentment it is.  That’s what our group needs.

I knew God had called our group to this study, but I had no idea that this concept was going to be life changing for me.

Content to Be Who I Am

                I tend to be a type A, always- productive, and perfectionistic personality. This is a disaster combo of a personality for someone learning to be content in themself . . . hehe! On the positive side, I’m often trying to grow and get to improve myself in various areas. On the negative side, I often see what I am not, even focus on it, and become easily discouraged.

                A book I’ve pulled alongside as a supplement to our study is Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. She shares the following quote by a man C.S. Lewis called his mentor:

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking. (George MacDonald)

                Wow, to be content in who I am is actually acknowledging that I was specially made, and in a way that God delighted in when He thought of how to create me. I think of Psalm 139:14—“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

My physical appearance, personality, gifts and aptitudes are all an extremely unique combination of exactly the person God wanted when He thought of how to create me. How special! How absolutely endearing!! To think of what was happening in His mind as He began to plan out how to create me! And I want a girl, He said, a small girl with dark hair and eyes, a thoughtful girl, slight melancholic disposition, excited to be in the sun and at the beach, thrilled with language, and music, and the human mind and behavior. And this little girl, I will sing over morning to night. I will delight in her. And I will absolutely enjoy the very unique way I’ve created her. Yeah, that thought overwhelms me.

                Not only did He create my person, but He also created a specific purpose for me. Many things fascinate me, but I’m only called to a few. Yeah, I would like to do everything, but I have limited time, and am only good at some! So, I'm learning to be content in the specific purpose He has called me to, cutting out anything that isn’t directly in my calling, and enjoying seeing and working with the purposes of others around me.

Content With My Past

                This is a hard one. Everything that I grew up with, any hurt done to me, any unfair act, any disadvantage—in that I am to give thanks. I am to acknowledge sovereignty. I am to believe that He works all things together for the good of those who love God. I love You God, but I don’t always love my past. But no, there is nothing lost that He cannot redeem. And I reconcile with my past. What was, was. What continues to hold me, holds me. I cannot quicken my healing faster than He will take me through it. And so I rest. I simply am who I am . . . a mixture of strengths and weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and needs. And my past simply becomes a circumstance as I realize not what I have, literally, or on  my experience resume, makes me anything, but rather who I am becoming as I cling tighter and tighter to Him.

Content With What I Have

Get these two pictures of my experience in Thailand:

One

                My last year in Thailand, I lived at a school, in the dorms, where I taught English to sweet Thai students during the week. I was treated as a super star. The local newspaper came to take my picture as I greeted students at the front school gate. I was given a much higher salary than the other teachers, given gifts from students often and invited to the homes of many of the families. One teacher graciously offered to teach me Thai for free. I met with her daily to go over my Thai workbook, and she often gave me gifts as I improved. I communicated well in Thai and was accepted with warm Thai hospitality. On the weekends, I went to live with a Thai pastor and his family where I was given the best room in the house. Saturdays, we would go shopping in local markets to buy things that were super-cheap. We lived near an absolutely breath-taking mountain where I would ride a motorcycle past streets of tropical plants into town to go tutor at the homes of some of my students. I played piano for our church service on Sunday, and then taught the Bible in English to a small Sunday School of children. After the service, all of us women from the congregation would cook together, laughing in the kitchen, while the men played with the children, then we would all sit down to our Sunday lunch. Sometimes we would take a trip to nearby waterfalls and play and picnic. Sunday afternoons were for naps, and then I would often join the family to go walking around a lake nearby their house in the evening, before they took me back to the school dorms. I felt so taken care of by them, and very connected, and loved being so closely tied in to the Thai language and culture.

Two

                Well, I lived at the school, but I wouldn’t really call it dorms. It was more of a room, with open windows and a door that didn’t lock. There was a small area outside, the bathroom, that had a hole in the ground, and a faucet with a bucket where I would take my cold “showers” every morning at 5:AM. My bed was a piece of board that I tried to layer with some blankets on for softness. There was some electricity that produced a dim nightlight when it got dark, but not enough to read by. My days lasted from greeting students at 6:30am at the gate to teaching classes through 5:30pm. I was the only English teacher, the only white person in town, and so my abilities were needed and I was asked to teach every class at this 1500-student school. Each class consisted of at least 50 students, each of whom did not speak one word in English. My first time to ask them to open their notebooks in Thai, I was met with a roar of laughter. My tone was off and I later found out I had said a bad word. I was encouraged to use a ruler on the hands of students in grade 5 and under, and cried the first time I did. The teacher who taught me Thai, I found out to be a lesbian who was obsessed with me. She stalked me when I went to the markets alone and I was scared to death of her. Her lover, the school’s administrative assistant and extremely jealous, assigned me even extra classes to take away all of my time from learning Thai. My time at the Thai pastor’s house was a relief, but also tiring, as I taught in the villages on Saturday with them, and didn’t really get a break on Sundays. My phone was stolen and I was blamed for being careless with it, and given a phone purse to keep my new phone close to me. A Laos male teacher spread rumors of my behavior with him, and I was approached by many female teachers at the school for being loose. This city was extremely steeped in Spiritism, and it fell heavy every time a holiday came around. I would often sense a spiritual darkness before I even knew the holiday was coming. I got to get on the internet once every two weeks for a few minutes to write an update email. I prayed often, but I felt so alone.

One experience, two pictures. Same circumstances. Different perspectives. No doubt, this was one of the most difficult times in my life. Yet, it was also one of the most growing. I was able to witness daily. The teachers didn’t know or care what I taught in English, so I taught the Bible. Even in my tiredness, I felt strength. I depended on God, and found Him to meet me in multiple supernatural ways. I was forced to speak Thai, and so learned it so quickly, and really understood Thai culture as if I had grown up with it. I also learned how important it was for me to have Christian support around me, and knew if I were to come on the mission field again, I would join a team of solid praying Christians. I knew it was time to leave at the end of the year, but I also knew that  I had been able to be a part of work that would not burn, but was rather eternal. I could not be more thankful for my time in that city.

Coming back to the States, I struggled with reverse-culture shock (common) . . . not understanding how people could enjoy so much, so carelessly, when others around the world had so little. But I learned that just as hard circumstances don’t matter, neither do easy. They are not the point. Paul says that he’s learned to be content in plenty and in need. Contentment is a mindset, not an amount of anything I could have or become, whether a little or a lot. It is an idea of being completely joyful in my God and what He’s given me in life, regardless of what it is.

Hmmm . . . so, I’m still on the journey of contentment. But I’m excited to see where it takes me. Thank You Jesus. Bring me Lord Jesus to a mindset of Christ, whatever that may be.

Another Place

It was one year ago. For some reason, I knew I needed to go running at the bay a mile down from my apartment. A nudging, I guess. As I started out in the cold afternoon, I ran past the Hilton hotel and then down to a big grassy area overlooking Mission Bay. The cloudy sky and sparkling water with geese flying overhead reminded me of a Nicholas Sparks movie. It was beautiful, felt almost romantic! But at the same time, it felt a little bit unreal. I had one of those conversations with God. Not an audible one, but the kind where I felt pretty sure we were talking. One of those moments of deep calling out to deep. What do you want me to do God? If I’m here for a purpose, then what is it?

The red light on the top of the Sky Tower at Sea World was blinking. Look at that light, I heard Him say. As I began to look at the light, I started to become distracted by other runners, moms and dads with children, lovers holding hands, tourists visiting San Diego, fit joggers with their dogs. No, God whispered, YOU look at the light. But God, the world is happening around me, I argued with my Maker. And then He said it. The thing I haven’t forgotten since: “Emily, this is not it. This is not it.”

I will never forget that moment.

On Thursday mornings I am involved in an inductive Bible study at my church on the book of Hebrews. We’ve actually been in the study for over a year now, but with all of the word studies and cross-referencing, we’re only in chapter 9! I’ve learned a thousand things, but one in particular has stuck out to me recently. Hebrews 9 uses words like copy, shadow, symbol to describe how the old testament tabernacle, laws, and covenant was merely a representation of what was to come. The ten commandments and laws on sacrifice were given as a tutor to define (and help restrain) sin, but they were not the fulfillment of the covenant God made with Abraham— a covenant based on HIS own Word and oath, that He would bless Abraham and all nations through him! Or God’s promise and prophesying through Jeremiah and Ezekiel to replace in the hearts of His children their heart of stone with a heart of flesh that His law was written on, and His Spirit put in. The law, sacrifices, and tabernacle were simply a shadow of Christ’s coming!

I was reading C.S. Lewis’ The Weight of Glory yesterday. A chapter that I’ve recently revisited (and still struggle to understand!) is called “Transposition.” The idea of transposition is that what we, as humans, experience in life is merely a taste, a reflection, an image, a symbol or shadow, of what real, REAL, reality is. He tells this story:

A young pregnant woman is imprisoned for a crime. She gives birth to a son and lives there with him her whole life. However, she was an artist and was allowed to bring her paper and pencils into the prison. The son knows nothing of the outside world, but his mother attempts to teach him about it by drawing pictures of mountains and streams, oceans and animals, cities and towns. However, she realizes that her son thinks that these things drawn with her pencil are really made of pencil marks in the outside world. “You mean, these things are not made up of pencil marks?” the son asks his mother. He could not comprehend that there was a bigger reality than what those pencil marks represented. He believed his mother, but he couldn’t comprehend it.

                In the same way, I wonder if God looks on us with a parental-type compassion. How I wish you could understand, He whispers, even pleads, that THIS is not it. This world, with its pencil marks of reality, is not the complete “reality,” but merely a picture of it.

Wow. Yeah, it convicts me every time.

The things that I want to have, to become, to be known as, really will all fade away. I wonder what works I’m doing will actually last through eternity. I’m a language person, not a mathematical, but if I were to compare the duration of time, eternity seems to make the life I spend here on earth as if it’s nothing! And for the rest of the rest of the rest of my life, I will be living in a reality I cannot comprehend here, but I believe in. It is coming.

I also like to see the symbolism here on earth for what things we will experience in heaven. Work, creativity, mystery and revealing, rejoicing and worship, satisfaction, relationships, family.  Hmmmm . . . oh, what will it be like? When we are there forever? When we really see? When we are in that dimension that our minds cannot comprehend now? When we are with the lover of our souls that our hearts desire so much?

Oh yes, I have hope, I have expectation, anticipation, and desire. I have those moments, those glimpses of something to come. My heart jumps at them. A horrifying, yet absolutely exhilarating, sensation washes over me at the thought of them. But, they are few and far between. I do live in this “image of reality” now. And, so as I live here, I ask for wisdom, patience, and endurance Father. Teach us to hold out, to hold on, for that time. That great marriage feast where we will meet you face to face, and know You, our sweet sweet husband as the greatest thing we could ever desire. And though I ask for patience, I also ask for you to increase my desire for you God, more and more, ever and ever. Never let us stop desiring You. And teach us and strengthen our hope that we may study Your Word to know You, as YOU really are.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Togetherness

I was listening to a favorite author and speaker of mine today, Beth Moore, encourage listeners to use their spiritual gifts for the glory of God. “The spiritual gift is given to us,” she said, “but not for us.” She said it would be easy for her to use her teaching position to gain attention and popularity for herself, but she knew her gift was for others. She also explained how we depend on each other for the gifts we offer!

Wow. I could imagine several instances of depending on the gifts of others.

I depend on the teaching of pastors to learn about God and the Word. On my mom's gift of mercy to give me a break when my overly harsh conscience fuels feelings of inadequacy. On the encouragement of cheering friends when I was feeling low, or didn’t quite believe myself strong enough to march forward in God’s call.

 I’ve depended on people for friendship, for money, for a car, for a place to live! On organizational skills of others! I have one friend who consistently invites herself over just when I need a friend (but won’t ask for it) . . . I mean, this girl literally shows up at my door unannounced, and in my PJ’s or not, we sit on my couch to chat.

I depend on (guy) friends to diagnose my car or help me move (or sometimes be a body-guard when needed!). I depend on my little sister to help me find a chord on my guitar, or my little brother to challenge me to work out. I direct all my medical questions to my nurse roommate, or my money questions to my business-minded brother.

 Yeah, I certainly do not live isolated! Nor would I ever want to!

This theme has been hitting me a lot lately. Togetherness.

We were made to live together. I would emotionally and spiritually starve otherwise.

There is a cultural phenomenon that is so real and so pervasive and so carefully manipulated that I hesitate to even bring it up because I am afraid of the attack it would bring on me --  but I trust the sure protection of my Savior over the attack of my enemy!-- Satan is strongly trying to isolate us.

The enemy to our soul, to our growth, to our satisfaction, and to God’s glory, wants so bad to destroy us individually by destroying our “togetherness."

I’ve been through church splits, seen my parents divorce, been to countries that had recently been through war. I’ve seen friends and family members refuse to talk with each other. I’ve experienced effects of division. It’s broken my heart.

I’ve also seen effects of the more passive version of division— self-dependence. Isolation through “doing it alone” is even more scary and sad to me than division. My family used to have one television in the living room; now everyone has a television in their own room so they can choose what they want to watch. We don’t have to go through the pain of dividing . . . we’ll just live isolated. We don’t affect each other, or hurt each other, but neither do we depend on each other, or find love.

Technology may be new, but fantasy is not. Fantasy can easily keep people isolated too. When I was going through a hard period in my childhood, I entered a fantasy world. In that world, I manipulated the characters, I controlled the circumstances. But, I’m so thankful God rescued me out of that world. Though I love creative imagination, living in fantasy world is cold and unsatisfying. When God brought me into the warmth and love of reality as a teen, I haven’t wanted to go back to fantasy since! I even have a hard time enjoying TV or movies (or talk incessantly during them) because I’m so thankful for reality!

I think of the way God created “togetherness” in marriage and its unfortunate and unsatisfying substitute “lust.” It’s a lot of work and giving to create and maintain a relationship! And how easy it is to find a substitute or indulge in sexual pleasure outside of marriage. And yet the true “togetherness” of giving and depending on each other is only found in marriage.

I think of adventure. This one hits home for me. Though my calling overseas to Thailand for over 3 years was of God, it was an adventure! My last year was isolated in a village, and the loneliness brought me home. And yet I was ready for the adventure to continue when I came home. I made plans to go to Egypt and Israel for 3 months each, and Brazil was in the near future. I made friends quickly, but also left them easily. I had gotten my Teaching English degree to make me mobile and marketable in any country I had a fancy for.  And yet God spoke clearly to me when I got home to San Diego that I was to stay, to get grounded, to get involved. I had never imagined being a college instructor, but they sought me out. I accepted the job, and decided to stay.

At the time I thought I was giving up my chance to better myself, improve myself. Young and single and free! I could gain experience. And perhaps I was giving that up. Yet, I’ve learned that it was the Spirit’s plan to teach me dependence. Staying was the best decision of my life, and only now can I see that.

I have since been committed to a group of people, to a church, to friends, to my family, to a job, to a city, to a ministry. And I have never been so satisfied being so closely connected, committed to and dependent on others. God may move me to another country in the future, but being “grounded” is His plan for me right now, and I’m loving it!

“Togetherness,” community, fellowship, the Body. We were made in the image of it, and we were made for it!

And I’m so thankful for that!!! So, I will stay connected! And I will use my spiritual gifts for the body! (And I’ll get married! . . . hehe! J ) . . .

Togetherness.

Holiness

I had a heart to heart with my 17-year-old brother tonight. He is more quiet than our youngest sister (who does enough talking for our whole family!), but in a one-on-one he has a lot to say. He is a senior in high school, one of his school’s star football players and mentored by the pastor of the church he attends. He and I actually have similar personalities, a little bit thoughtful and feelers, and have always had a special bond.

Tonight his questions, and ponderings, centered around frustrations he’s recently felt in his social circles . . . mostly about what he’s noticed in friends and classmates.

I'm not sure if it was what he noticed, or more how much he cared, that touched and broke my heart.

No one cares, he said. He related how when he was a freshmen, he knew the seniors were "bad" kids, but he didn’t think his class would ever get to that point. Now, they’re no different from any kids of the world. He said he knew this about the guys. But his greatest shock was with the girls. Freshman girls would have been in shock at the things the guys did and said. Now they liked it, joined in. They act just like guys, he said. And the guys don’t care about anything except having fun. They can’t see long-term, or desire any accomplishment or maturity.

His disappointment with people was a feeling that rang familiar with me. Yah, I’ve been there. I’ve certainly seen groups of people act in shocking ways. Namely, ungodly. And, it’s been disappointing.

My brother and I got to talk about how God does care even more than we do about each person’s individual journey and that He is in control. Really, no righteousness, or even desire for righteousness, is of ourselves, but from God. We recognized that God looks at the heart, a heart that we can’t see or know. And we discussed reasons and motivations behind teenage apathy and immaturity, and cultural effects on their ways of thinking. We felt compassion and we felt pain. And I felt impressed.

What a young man, without a father in his life, to care about these things. From a girl’s perspective, I got to share with him how impressive it is for some girls to see a guy who does care about righteousness, and he said likewise for a guy seeing a girl pursue purity. We recognized that a desire for holiness, or its lack of, is not gender-specific . . . but that it certainly is needed.

But oh God, please let us desire it. Let us seek both grace and mercy in the truth that we have nothing to offer of ourselves, but also DESIRE righteousness, goodness, purity, holiness, because YOU DO.

Make us people who are willing to stand up, to dare to be different, to walk according to Your ways, believing that in them we will find our greatest joy.

God, make us a generation that seeks Your face. Break our hearts for what breaks Yours.

And give us rest and hope, that You ARE doing the work.

Perfect

Tonight I got to chat with some close friends of mine after they put their baby to bed. Somewhere in the conversation of catching up, laughing, and relating where God has us and where we see Him taking us in the future, I started to admit to anxiety I sometimes get and fears of inadequacy. There seems to always be another step in education or the workplace or in relationships or in growing my own character, mind, and abilities, and I never am quite where I want to be. And, I never am quite enough wherever I am.

My guy friend, who just finished seminary and is currently working with the youth in his church, encouraged me with the story of Joseph. He said, Emily, Pharaoh did not look at Joseph’s unimpressive resume of 13 years in slavery and prison; he didn’t look at his horrendous family dysfunction in his past or his low social position as a Hebrew. No, Pharaoh looked for one thing to qualify Joseph to become second-in-command of all of Egypt—a man who was Spirit-filled.  Emily, he said, even the secular world recognizes those who follow God. And, you can be in no better place than surrendering everything to be led by the Spirit.

Wow.

I remember an affirming conversation I had with the dean of my department a couple months ago. “Emily, you have this position as long as you want it,” he told me with sincerity and a smile. However, I walked away from the conversation with a sinking feeling in my stomach. “Or as long as he still believes I’m everything he thinks I am,” I told myself.  Despite positive evaluations by the students, a peer teacher, and the dean who observed me in class, a good resume, interview and performance in front of coworkers, I still let self-defeating thoughts bring me down. What if I’m just not enough? What if I’m found to be lacking and he wishes he hadn’t hired me?

Other examples come to mind of times I’ve let fear of not being enough convince me that I am inadequate for what God has called me to do. Many of these are deeply rooted in beliefs I’ve held since being a young child, and they are not easy to get rid of.

I struggle with fear . . . and perfectionism. I sometimes let lies play repeatedly: You’re only in this position or relationship because you deceived someone into believing you’re capable of it. That mistake right there is PROOF you are a fraud. You and what you do will never be good enough to be worth something.

It is certainly not fun to have these thoughts running through my mind! And really, they debilitate and paralyze me from moving forward and doing well in what God HAS called me to do.

And it’s okay for me to go through these dry or dark times, and just be open about them. If I’m not real in the dark times, I’m not real at all. But I also hope to move forward from the dark times. I hope to allow myself to completely surrender to His Spirit.

Often, this means letting go of worrying about what people think about me, my reputation. Being open, being real. Also, this means getting nice and comfy with the uncomfortable—being misunderstood, judged, or my failures and weaknesses exposed—and being okay with it. And sometimes, it even means completing something 90% and letting that be good enough rather than always waiting for the 100% just around the corner but never reached. Realizing that something that is not my ideal of perfection may still be good.

Yah, this is just another thing to learn . . . but I’m going to put that anti-perfectionism to work right here . . . it’s okay. Not perfect in this area, and that’s okay. The Spirit IS leading me, and will teach what He needs to teach when He knows is best.

Sooooo . . . again, I rest.

Jesus, can You teach me what it means to let go of striving, rest in the plans You have, pursue Your call in my life only under the Spirit’s leading, and to trust You to do the work. And more than this, teach me what it means to understand and love Your work, Your great, perfect¸ work of salvation and love poured out at the cross. I love You, my Jesus.

My Hidden God

My invisible God often hides Himself. He does not often jump out at me like other attractive, visible lovers that call my name. No, although He is quite confident in Himself that He can and will satisfy everything I could ever long for, He is unlike the others that try to defend with many words, seduce, convince of their greatness. In fact, I find Him simply quietly call me to seek Him. Come, He whispers, if you want to see. Taste, try.

And yet, at the small and shabby gate that He invites me to enter, I sense great mystery behind His eyes . . . okay, I will come through this door, for though small and hidden and unattractive, I believe there is more than I know, more than I see, even more than I could ever imagine.

I let go of the hands that have grabbed mine, the ones that promise strength and thrill and protection and greatness. For at the shabby gate, I sense them lose their shine. I see them begin to fade and crumble and disappoint.

It’s hard to know for sure, for sure, for sure. But I believe. Something in my heart says there is something much greater. There MUST be. I am made to experience it.

So here I am, my invisible God that hides Himself, I believe it is You.

Take me. Let me come close.

It is Covered

And I have been there. At that moment. That moment of utter fear and even disgust. That moment where everything in me is broken and ugly and has presented itself to me as vile and monstrous. When I am absolutely desperate, beyond description of emotion.
"Take away everything," I cry out, "if only I can be clean, if only I can be close to You, if only I can break away from powers of darkness over me!" Let me fast, though I am terribly self-conscious of being thin, until this evil is wholly disconnected from me. Let me wake up in the middle of the night and pray until morning. Let me disconnect myself from all the things I love.
But then, I hear a voice. It is not my self-deprivation, my self-disgust, my self-suffering that will save myself. No, I cannot save myself at all!
And, I hear shouts and trumpets. Glory marching. "Quiet Emily," an angel shushes me, as I ramble on about ways I can get rid of my sin. And then, there, I look up, the sound thunders, the light gets brighter. And though I tremble, I cannot even think of the terror of me and my monstrous sin in this holy place; no, my self- consciousness is lost as I can think of nothing but the glory approaching.
And then silence.
I feel faint, look white, could fall over at any moment, breaths short, body trembling.
And there... He appears. Like nothing I could ever have imagined.
My breath is taken away completely now. Like a deer, I am caught, paralyzed.
Yet, lest I die of utter fear and awe, this Holy of Holy of Holy stops at me, tilts His head as He smiles softly. He says MY name. Reaches out His hand to take MINE. And, with words of authority and finality, says, "It is covered."
My heart skips a beat, and I gasp in my first breath.
At these words, I dare to focus my eyes on His.
Though questioning how this could be true, I don't doubt. Because His voice cannot lie.
He asks if I will go with Him and I say yes. I cannot take my eyes off of His face.
And there, my moment, of remorse, is forgotten, and I go to live with Him, my Love, for ever and ever and ever.

Forgiveness

This morning I journaled of empty and distant feelings.

Tonight, as I lay on my bed in the dark, a tear rolled down. And then a sweet voice entered my mind and spoke words of comfort.

I had just read a chapter in Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace entitled, “Why Forgive?” He talked about the famous novel, and now movie, Les Miserables. What’s so incredible about this story is the irrationality, and power, of forgiveness.

Forgive someone who has done you wrong? Taken from you? Lied to you? Cheated on and betrayed you? Alienated you? Act the opposite of what all feeling and justice would demand I act?

Forgive someone who had immense power and influence over you and abused that power?

Years that I’ve blocked out. Years that I say I’ve forgiven . . . but rarely go there.

“Bring a childhood picture to group next week!” . . . childhood? I don’t remember that.

But those sweet words of comfort came to me . . . it held me with sweet strength. Go there, it whispered. I will walk you through it.

And I am faced with the truth: bitterness.

Oh, bitterness you are ugly. Where can I find freedom from you? It has deep roots . . . can you pull them up, my master surgeon?

It is not that I feel nothing . . . it is that I have built a safe enclosed in a warehouse around a heart so desperately afraid to feel such pain.

And I crack, I break. Break it all away. Let me go there. Let me feel it. Let me long for people, even if it hurts me.

Let me feel such tenderness, unrequited desire, pain, sweetness, brokenness, healing, and freedom.

Forgiveness. . .  though it feel uncomfortable and strange and unnatural and unfair.

And yet the tear comes, and even breaks into sobs, because I do feel it. I desire the one I struggle to forgive. I desire people. And I can’t fight that.

I sit far away. I set my face as if I don’t care.

But I do care. I care so much. I care so much that I’m afraid I’ll be hurt again . . . and yet my desire for the relationship conquers yet again, and I come close.

I come close. I forgive, accept, love. We are on the same side. Dare I think I am on another?

I am reminded that without forgiveness I am but holding up an illusion that I am something other than I am.

So, I seek freedom and truth, to feel, and a heart that pumps warm blood. I seek people, and I seek God.

Teach me to forgive.

Surrender

Oftentimes, I find that the Christian life is more of surrender, than strength.

If I let go of control and self-preoccupation to let you take care of me, protect, provide, love me, will you? Will you love me as much as I need to be loved?

And can I believe it? That you know even more than I the things that will care for me . . . and above that, that you DESIRE to care for me?

I believe it.

You are God, and letting go frees me up to love you, and to give you all the glory. You will take care of me and love me. And you do. And you will take care of your glory too. I can let go.

Here, I let go a little. Help me to let go all the way.

Sweet surrender.

Luke 12:22-33
". . . If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? . . . . your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you."

What Are The Chances??

Last week, I had the moment of a lifetime. One thing I wanted more than just about anything for my birthday was to go to a Josh Groban concert. I love his music. He has an amazing voice, and I heard he puts on a great show. My uncle wanted to spoil me a bit and bought us great seats at a concert up in LA. There was a small stage right behind our floor seating that had a piano, and Josh would make his way back and forth between the small and the big stage. He performed amazingly, tens of thousands in the stadium cheered, body guards followed him wherever he went. Then the unimaginable happened. As he walked past me to the smaller stage, I stood up amidst the chaos of bodyguards and others around me and called out “Hi Josh” to him. He stopped, smiled, and asked if I wanted to go on stage. I did! I held my breath for the rest of the night . . .  and the next two days. It was so much fun, but kind of . . . incredible.

A few days later, I was at a retreat at the beach with the young adult ministry team from my church. From morning through afternoon, we had quiet time and meetings, lunch and fellowship, sharing and brainstorming, volleyball and jetskis. It was encouraging and fun! Then again . . . the unimaginable. One hour left of our jetski rental and the end of our retreat. Who wanted to go out for one last ride?  I did! I hopped on the back of my friend driving, and another friend got on a second jet. We waded through the 5 MPH zone and then took off fast once we reached open waters! It was exhilarating! But so sadly and unsuspectingly, fun turned to shock as the skis headed toward each other with no time to turn. We collided and were thrown off. The angle that our ski hit the other was just low enough to miss our friend’s leg. A thousand other scenarios could have happened. But everyone was okay (though there was considerable . . . and expensive . . . damage to the boat). These were no bumper boats . . . and I’ve been reminded by many since of how “lucky” we were.

From both scenarios, I’ve asked God “What are the chances?” One in a thousand, one in ten thousand? After the jetski accident, in fear, I continually asked my mom “What could have happened? What could I have done to prevent this?” I should have known. I lamented being so foolish. But a friend spoke truth to me: “It was an accident. You couldn’t have known.” My mom reminded me of something she recently heard from Beth Moore: “NOTHING is outside of God’s control.”

I can’t live my life “knowing.” I don’t always have control. I can live without risk and only take steps towards things I am sure about . . .  but then I will miss out. If I hadn’t stood up to call out to Josh Groban, I don’t think he would have taken me up on stage and sang to me (ahhhhh . . . still can’t get over it!!). If I hadn’t gotten on the jetski, I wouldn’t have fallen off. But then, I wouldn’t have had this reminder too: God IS in control.

I couldn't control something TO happen. And I can't control something NOT TO happen. Dozens of girls called out to me "you're so lucky" as I left the concert. How they would have liked to have controlled a similar experience TO happen. How I would love to control many things in my life TO happen, or to have NOT.

As I drove to the grocery store today, I thought of the chances of getting in an accident. We all take that chance every day. My sister was hit by a drunk driver a couple years ago and put in a coma for 3 days, so this hits close to home for me, but does that mean I won’t drive anymore? That I won’t live life?

It's ironic, but actually knowing and trusting that God is control, makes me more active, rather than passive. It makes me step out more, rather than take a "hands off" approach to life. Certainly, I am responsible for MY actions, and I want to feel peace and Spirit-led before making decisions, or acting on them. But sometimes, stepping out involves risk . . . and just not knowing, NOT BEING SURE!

I think God made men to naturally be a bit more of risk-takers, and women to be a little more cautious . . . perhaps to balance each other out. Too much risk may result in a lot of loss, and too much caution would prevent anything from happening!

But even as a woman, I feel a call to step out more in courage and trust. God IS in control. Sometimes I won’t know until I try. And sometimes, there will be a loss. But sometimes, there will be greatness. And how do I know that balance? I don’t know.

But I want to step out.

Courage, I say. And trust.

God IS in control.

Get Wisdom!

“Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you” ~ Proverbs 4:5-6

This beautiful, talented, smart, creative little girl was her daddy's whole world. At fifteen, she discovered herself being promised the world, told she would be loved forever, her beauty delighted in by an older guy. Everything felt so right, and she gave in. I found out before her dad did that she was pregnant. An eternal precious life created! But I still couldn't help but feel such sadness for how much she was giving up, for the utter loss and failure her father would feel when his baby girl tells the news, for the child whom I hope never finds out his life was not rejoiced in the moment it was discovered. How was this girl supposed to know?  What will she feel toward men the rest of her life? Will this 18 year old boy stand up to be a father . . . and have his heart broken too, by a daughter?

A close guy friend of mine saved himself for so long. He loved God. He believed God. He waited for Him. Then beauty caught not only his eye, but also his heart. The way she looked at him, talked to him, adored him. He never felt so much like a man. He told me he believed they would be married within 6 months. She was the one. He was sure. He worked so hard. He wanted to provide for her. He wanted kids. He said that he had never met a girl so beautiful, so smart, and yet liked him so much. He was entranced, ecstatic. No thing he did for her was too much. He gave everything. And yes, she did “make a man” out of him. And then left. He didn’t know what went wrong. He hasn’t dated since. His heart just can’t quite believe in women anymore. How was he to know?

My sister was hit in an intersection three years ago, her car crushed, and her mind immediately sent into a comma for three days. The accident and after-math was traumatic for her to say the least. But sometimes I think back to the guy who hit her. He was a 22-year-old in the military, going 30 miles over the speed limit, very intoxicated, driving three other people in his car, and ran a red light. He tried to stagger away at the accident. He was sent to the barracks, was dishonorably discharged from the military, sent to collenctions, will have his wages garnished for the rest of his life, and his resume ruined. His life will never be the same because of one night.

The world can often promise something that doesn’t quite deliver what we believed it would.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” ~ Proverbs 4:23.

My heart is an amazing thing. It is the thing I love God with the most. It is the thing that has layers that haven’t quite been brought to light and can deceive others and even myself. It is the thing that desires and hopes and fears and sins and dreams and loves and wants. It is complicated and it is hard to know.

Even today, it was the weirdest thought. Why must I FIGHT against the things I WANT? Why do I WANT to be jealous, and be the best, and be adored and promoted and have my lusts fulfilled? Why do I even want those things? Why does my life have to be a FIGHT? What is going on in my heart?

In James this morning, I read: “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived my beloved brethren” ~ James 1:13-16.

This tells me that sin starts with a DESIRE.

And yet not all desire is bad. I DESIRE the Lord. God promises to fulfill the DESIRE of the righteous. God puts DESIRES in my heart for me to know what it is He created me to do!

So, how do I know the difference?

I believe it is WISDOM!

There is a reason the author of Proverbs tells us to give up everything we have, sell gold and silver, pursue with all of our might, WISDOM.

Wisdom gives us insight into our hearts. It helps us to discern what is right, what is of the Spirit.

Earthly Wisdom

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there” ~James 3:13-16.

Godly Wisdom

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy” ~ James 3:17.

Only a man or woman (and the Spirit of God) knows their own heart. I can never know someone else’s motives, thoughts, true feelings. I believe what they say, if they seem consistent, if they show by ACTIONS. But I cannot know their heart.

But we can know our own heart. We can ask for wisdom into our heart. In fact, I believe that God WANTS us to KNOW it. He wants us to search our hearts. HE wants to search it and show us our desires and fears and anxieties and motives. He wants to bring it to light. He wants us to process and think and pray about them. To identify TRUTH and LIES.

He wants it because HE LOVES US.

I just sat through a sermon by Josh McDowell on Love. He defined Love as to Protect and Provide. God’s greatest desire, he said, is to protect and provide for us. He is often protecting us against the things that are lying to us. The uncomfortable things He shows us, the sin, the dirt, the lies we believe are hard to see, but so necessary because the TRUTH sets us free. And it’s reality.

The little girl believes the 18-year-old could give her everything because she hopes it’s true. The guy friend believes that this doting girl will fulfill his life. The battered woman goes back to the wife-beater believing that he’s sorry. The teenage girl goes back to the friends that use her and gossip behind her back. The forty year old man believes his young, exotic mail-order bride loves him for who he is. Parents believe their teen who swears she did not sneak in late at night (although they heard it) because they are desperately afraid their daughter will leave altogether and that they don’t know how to parent. A man believes his broke friend will eventually pay him back and stop using him for his money.

For whatever reason, we believe the things we want to—although reality tells us otherwise. Wisdom tells us otherwise. We feel needed, we feel loved, we feel valued.

But perhaps a deeper look into our heart will reveal that we are believing lies. Lies we’ve created because the truth about ourselves, and reality, hurts too much.

But in wisdom, the truth does set us FREE. In wisdom, there is true HOPE. I hope in REALITY. And my hope will not fail me.

Certainly, there is grace for all the times I’ve been foolish. Nothing is lost when found by God. My sin cannot out-do his forgiveness. There is a new start for every mistake. For every lost opportunity. For every loss. There is letting go of the past, and abundant mercy!!!

But let me pursue WISDOM. Let me give up foolish things and desire to know my heart. Let me ask God to search it, though it be uncomfortable.

Know my heart God. Search it. And let me pursue wisdom!

When Broken

And a hundred other lovers call my name. And it sounds attractive. But so much wasted time. Wasted affection of the heart. Wasted thought. And even shame because of the storm I create. And yet, I come. And one thing remains: to sit at your feet and soak in the presence of the great lover, and ask with all affection, “With what YOU have given ME, what shall I do?” No other’s task is mine. And no lover that you haven’t given me shall take my time. And no cause than that of the cross will I stand up for. And to keep my heart for you, to keep my surrender to you. And to You alone. Break the chains and break the lies. Rescue me. I need you.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

~”Jealous Kind” by Jars of Clay

And break me wherever your love sees fit to find me. Carry me where I cannot walk. Or let me walk where you know I need to be strengthened. I cannot do this alone. And I find no satisfaction in anything other than you. And I am lifted up on wings of Eagles as I soar above the mess. And I feel the wind through my hair. There is a rising up. There is a greater thing. My heart skips a beat in anticipation of a hope I dare to hope again. And I need you. Only you. ~ The heart cry of the Needy

Dating: From a Guy's and Girl's Perspective (Part 1)

One year while I was in Thailand, all of us teachers were playing soccer and I was designated “goal keeper.” The ball made its way down the field toward me, and someone kicked it hard right at me. Suddenly, everything went into slow-motion. I ducked. Then this guy, that I had never met, jumped up over me, kicked the ball away from my head and away from the goal, and then with some other super-hero moves slid down by my side to see if I was okay. I just smiled. He raced off to go help our team get a goal down on the other side of the field. Wow! It wasn’t quite a “like”—more like an “impressed.” But it certainly opened the door for “like.” And though he wasn’t a Christian, and I had waited my whole life for a good Christian guy, I decided to go on a date with him . . . my mind got foggy and my heart compromised. I’m glad that nothing happened and I headed back to the States within a couple of weeks. But I always wondered . . . how did I get to that place in my life? What do I look for when choosing to date? Is dating trial and error? Is there some game-plan and intention that goes into it?

I still don’t know these answers, but as I am in this season in my life, I (and many around me!) are certainly asking the questions!

A single, Christian guy friend of mine, we’ll call Robert Chism, agreed to co-blog with me on this topic, and his thoughts, from a guy’s perspective, are dispersed throughout! Thanks RC!!

Why Get into a Relationship?

What Guys Want

Robert Chism: Men look for a relationship because we have an innate, God-given desire to procreate. A lot of things in life revolve around the concept that men need to pursue women until consummation. If we didn’t have this, we would probably be too lazy to ever pursue a woman. This should not merely be construed as "men want sex," but of course we do, in abundance. Men want to be accepted. That is what is really at the heart of this desire. Since sex is the most intimate form of acceptance a man can get from a woman, we want it, very badly. Aside from physical consummation the other important way to fulfill the acceptance need of men is through affirmation. Let us know we are accepted by you and that we are doing a good job. You will have plenty of chances to tell us what we are doing wrong, so don’t forget to tell us what we are doing right!

(LOVE it!)

What do Girls Want?

In his last days, psychologist Sigmund Freud was asked if any one question of human behavior still puzzled him. His only answer was quick: “What IS it that women really want?” I hear this question asked often in both secular and Christian circles. Author Emerson Eggerichs touched on this in his book Love and Respect—women want sincere love.

Although an evil Jezebel is easy to come by, I don’t think all girls are intentionally confusing, but rather can easily spot insincerity or masquerading agendas. And although over-suspicion can be harmful to a relationship, part of me thinks that a healthy amount of caution is good! It certainly helps prevent against our unfortunate and increasing epidemic of children with a less-than-involved father. And, oh, how much we need our fathers. Really, really, need them!

To be honest, within the top three or four things that I look for in a man is how well he may be a father to our children if we were to have them. And no, he most likely doesn’t have this experience on his repertoire, but I believe that character can help clue me in! Honesty, faithfulness, responsibility, consistency, self-control, and a loving and forgiving heart are great traits to look for in a life-long friend, husband, and father of my children!

Robert Chism: Hollywood’s (the world’s) view on love, and God’s are both very different. In fact, they are quite the opposite of one another. The world says you should feel like you love someone and expect them to fulfill every want and desire you have. If you enter a relationship with these types of expectations you are doomed for failure. What the world calls love the Bible calls Lust. Make sure your desires and feelings are rooted in Biblical truth and reflect God's definition of love (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Not only will this make you be a better friend, but it will help you practice how you should be feeling towards your future spouse. 

I also look for someone I can trust as a spiritual leader. Though submission is sometimes a negative word in our culture, the idea of relaxing and resting in the leadership of a husband I love and trust actually comforts me! It sounds nice to let go and trust that he will lead our family in God’s ways! I certainly desire to be strong in my role as partners in ministry, friends, and lovers, but I also greatly DESIRE to be led with courage and gentleness.

Eggerichs affirms that it’s so cool that God wanted us to know this when He spoke through Paul: men love your wives, women respect your husbands. Ah, it’s what we so need, so desire. A man getting his full of respect, a woman her full of love, each freely acting in their own gender with radiance and intention as God created sexuality. How we were created to function as beautiful lovers before a world who cannot understand intimacy, yet so desperately wants to!

Fear

I have it. What if I get into a relationship merely out of lust? What if I am deceived by a flatterer? What if I am not enough? What if I give my heart and he leaves, or hurts it? Getting into a relationship is certainly frightening! But for me, these cautions are good! And my personal answer to them is COURAGE, INPUT, and TIME. Courage in believing that I have something to offer and something to receive, and hope that marriage is a good thing, created by God for our blessing. Courage is stepping out without too many expectations. My mentor often tells me that one date doesn’t guarantee a second, and dating doesn’t mean marriage. Navigating a relationship is a process, and is taken in steps.

Robert Chism: A man’s biggest fear when entering into a relationship is whether or not they will be accepted. Fear of rejection. We are the pursuers (or supposed to be) and our biggest fear is that the person we choose to pursue does not wish to be pursued by us. The only way to move past this is to express a degree of interest in a romantic pursuit and assess the girl’s reaction, something some of us are terrible at doing. My biggest fear is that I will fall short. I will make mistakes and God forbid hurt the woman I love the most.

 Input from friends, counselors, advisors, and MANY people who know both of us, is one of the greatest tools against self-deception but also helps with accountability and wisdom. And TIME. Time tells many things. Time often lets charm or superficiality run its course, and reveals character and relational abilities, the things that will last a LOT longer than charm will!

Robert Chism: Guarding one's heart should always be put into practice. This looks like managing your emotions, desires and feelings towards a person.  Oftentimes, when one doesn’t guard their heart they let their emotions get the best of them, paving the way for lust and self seeking desires to take over. This is where people get hurt, when their selfish expectation is not fulfilled by another. You can courageously do dating when you know the other person has only your best interests in mind, otherwise you should be weary.

The Process

In the dating process, it gets foggy in how to guard my heart . . . and purity. As recently re-entering the dating world, one thing I want to be committed to is being intentional about, rather than “falling into,” physical intimacy. Although Hollywood may contradict this, I think that commitment and intention and purposeful communication, rather than a created atmospheric mood (though those are nice!), can really help “flame” a couple’s love and romance!

Robert Chism: The thing is that if you follow God’s plan, you get something even better than the Hollywood romance. If you approach the relationship with an earnest desire to serve and love that person with all of yourself and they do likewise, I guarantee you God will give you a glimpse of what heaven is like. Love your woman as Christ loved the church, second only to your love for Jesus Christ. Find a woman who is going to love you like she loves Jesus Christ and only second to Him. There is nothing more romantic than that!

I certainly have heard a lot of “romantic” words, but if I don’t know a guy is pursuing me with intentionality and mindedness toward a life-long commitment to marriage, it’s hard for me to trust, or to arouse feelings.

Robert Chism:  Dating can be as casual and as serious as you want it to be. For me at this stage of the game dating is deathly serious . . . I wish only to date my wife. There was a time when I would have dated someone just to have fun. If you want a husband or wife, date only those who you see fit to marry. The goals and intentions of dating should be clearly defined first, not after.

And of course this takes time! How hard it is for guys too! Another guy friend of mine told me recently that guys can easily or quickly “like” a girl, but then want to get to know her to make sure. I think girls tend to be a little slower in learning to like someone (and I tend to be on the even slower spectrum among girls!) . . . but both genders take time. Time, with intentional and clear communication and gradual revealing of self, certainly seems to be a key element in the dating process!

So, shall I date? Yes! With wisdom and time and patience, and with cautioned vulnerability, and with some light- heartedness and courage too! And lots of input from friends and mentors. And prayer. And intentionality!

And rest and trust, and hope too—that a spouse IS from the Lord!