Known

My small group and I once sat around to talk about our idiosyncrasies. Rather than tell our own, we had the group tell each individual of a little strange thing we often did. One guy had a certain facial expression, another guy a certain greeting, one girl had a way of clapping her hands together when she was excited, and another played with her hair. “What about me? What about me?” I asked excitedly. Not because I wanted to know something strange about myself, but because I wanted to know that I was KNOWN. Without a moment’s pause, several friends cried out in unison “Waaaaaaa!!!” We all laughed. We knew it was true. I scream “Waaaa” at funny things, scary things, surprising things. But I felt more than humored . . . I felt loved. I was known, and I love to be known.

I have a number of really great friends. I love these people. But also something that I love so much about these friendships is the satisfaction of knowing and being known. What movie they would choose to see, or color they would pick in a shirt, or food item they would order off the menu. What they would say to a corny joke, or to someone’s pain.

I play the “guessing game” with my mom and close friends. Guess where I went today?? Or what I made for dinner or what I did that week. And I make them guess. I just like to be affirmed of how well they know me! And like to guess about them too! J

As I continue on in the Christian walk, and learn more and more that my walk is an ever-increasing Encounter with THE mysterious, all-knowing, all-powerful, Lord over all creation, Most High and Most Holy God, I think of relationship. He called us servants, friends, lovers, children—all terms indicating our RELATIONSHIP with and to Him.

I’ve also often heard of Christianity fondly called a relationship rather than religion. I’ve liked that. Yet, I don’t know that I’ve really understood it.

God.

Mysterious God. A Being. That I can’t see. Listening to me, walking with me, talking with me. Even as I grow CLOSER in my relationship with God, I still doubt. Does He really act like a PERSON?

I’m doing a study on Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the book of Genesis right now. It’s so crazy, yet SOOO thrilling to see how they each engaged with God as a Person. They talked with Him, argued with Him, took Him at His Word and FOLLOWED Him across desert lands, believing that they would own that people-filled land for themselves simply because He said. Not only did they see Him as a Person, but they also saw Him as Most High God, sovereign, and all-powerful to perform His promises. That BAFFLES me. What?? Abraham was called the FRIEND of God. Really? WOW.

When I discovered how much God entered (transcended really) into relationship with people, to call them friends . . . I began to think about how much I myself love relationship. Hmmm . . . I wonder where I got that from?? And there it is. HIM. He loves it.

And I think how I have wanted to be known for quite some time. I remember doing a lip sync contest with some friends my freshman year in college. I was Sporty Spice in our Spice Girl’s song, and I did some acrobatic flips. Hahaha . . . I was a freshman, okay! We won an award, got to compete at another school, got compliments from fellow-classmates for weeks to follow. What surprised me was when a few guys on my cross-country team said that they had no idea I could do that. My immediate thought was, “How could you have known?” But I realized I’ve done the same. I’ve thought I’ve known people just as much as they thought they knew me.

And, oh, I did want to be known. And not just a part, but all of me. As a teenager, I would get a little bit emotional and feel unloved if someone made an assumption or inaccurate conclusion about me. I took it personally. Of course, as an adult, I’m less emotional over it! J And I’m more quick to offer information about myself to correct any misunderstandings. But it still kinda, sometimes, makes me feel bad when I am not known or understood.

And as I see God as a Person, I wonder how He wants to be known. He is such a balance between purposeful mystery, and purposeful revealing. He wants to be known, I think, but He also wants to be hidden. I wonder at this often.

I seek Him so much. I delve into His Word. I do know Him more and more. Personal encounters with Him. Conversations. It’s even His mystery that draws me in. And yet, I don’t know Him. It never just comes all at once, as if “oh, NOW I know Him.” No, it’s as if relational intimacy must be sought after continually with sincerity and time and great interest. He wants to be pursued and REALLY known for who He is!! WOA!!! That’s soooo cool! I feel like that some times. Whether it’s a dating relationship, or any friend trying to get close, I am slow. There is a process. There are levels of relational intimacy. It is neither cheap nor easy to be known. And time is required, and great sincerity. Hmmm . . .

I think of times I would like to say, “Oh, I know so and so,” as if that connection would make me more popular or valuable. I do that with God sometimes too. He is my show-God. And I do believe that God likes to be shown off, and wants me to be proud of Him. I am. He is MOST HIGH GOD. But I am discovering that there is a side of Him that wants to be very personal with me, not just my show-God.

For so long, I’ve wanted to know me. Know thyself, I quote with confidence and courage. I try to let others in, to journey through discovering my gifts and uniqueness, and to value it as good simply because He made me that way.

But oh, let me be silent for just a moment. I’ll get back to me. Believe me, I will.

 Let me know Him.

And as I do, maybe I will discover how very much He wants to know me.

The Christian’s life can NEVER be called boring. If it is ever felt, portrayed in our culture as something that is passive and repressive and cold, I dare to say that is Satan’s work. Because . . . as I know it, the Walk is a heated and courage-demanding and exciting fight and ride every day that I’ve walked it! But more than that, it is KNOWING, personally, the Most High God. Being FRIENDS! Until, that day when I will sit and drink and talk and with Him in PERSON forever and ever and ever.

Come, Jesus, soon.

Growth

My very close friend just had a baby a couple weeks ago. He was premature at over a month early, but I got to visit him in the NICU, and he was the sweetest thing. I began to sing to him, and this little 4-pound baby turned his tiny, doll-like face toward me and opened his eyes to look at mine. He could not eat on his own, maintain his own body temperature, and at times breathe on his own, when he was first born, but he responded so well and quickly to people. They predicted that he would be in the hospital a month. But this little guy was a fighter! He started eating and growing like crazy, and they let him go home after two weeks.

I held him again at their home the other night and watched his older brother come up and roughly throw a toy at his face. I directed his brother to play elsewhere, but thought about this little guy. Everything was against him when he came. He was so weak, so fragile, so small. Unlike other newborns, he doesn’t wake up often nor cry loud. His lungs and sounds are so small. He has to fight to be heard. To cry for the food he needs to make him strong. And yet, he does. Just a few weeks later, and he is nearly 7 pounds. Can a human body grow that fast?? Again, I sang to him, cuddled and kissed him, smiled into his tiny eyes. I felt protective of him. He was precious. But . . .  my greater feeling toward him was admiration! He was a strong little guy! With so very little to work with, He fought with all he had. I wanted to be like him. Yes, I wanted to be like this little 7-pound premie baby.

I think back to the grace that reached down so sweetly to the little girl He saw hiding with the door locked. He knows. He knew. And grace, once again, like rain, falls down on me now. I will go there . . . to the hurt . . .  yes, I will. But I will not stay there. I am strong. I will not hide it in the darkness . . . but neither will I let regret nor disappointment nor loss have a claim over me.

I sit up straight and strong and I talk with my Lord in the closet of our “time.” I will hunger after His Word and cry out for truth, with sometimes but a small voice. I will pursue Him and His Word with all I have. It is the voice of truth to me, what I need to live and to grow, and my heart soaks it in everyday. I know Him more and more.

And I let others in. I take that risk. The ugliness, the brokenness, the shame, can come out. I can cry. I can be weak. Even in public, sometimes, I let my reputation go. I will not hide in shame. That is me. Relationship can only happen to the extent that there is truth, and I want relationship so bad.

But He will get the glory. Because I trust that He will do the healing. I believe it. And if I make a mistake in letting others in, I make a mistake. But I will only know by going there. And so I do.

Here I am. All of me. To You, God. And to others also.

And this little girl says that I cling to hope once again. And perhaps little, sometimes, and certainly precious to Him . . . but I am strong. And, I will cry out for the food that will make me strong. My eyes look up to His song of hope, and I know that there is growth ahead.

It is possible. That such a small one, dependent, can fight for strength. Can find strength. And I hold my own. My own voice. My own heart. My own mind. I feed on His Word, and I grow like crazy.

A Standard

I had a teacher meeting this afternoon after one of my classes. I usually don’t enjoy these meetings, as they tend to be an excuse for negative talking about how poorly students are doing, rather than a positive brainstorming on how to improve as teachers. I often find myself simply “going through the motions” of attending the meetings, contributing what is necessary, and then returning to teaching with the morale, diligence, and creativity of my own convictions. But today I felt a new conviction. Could I be called to be a light not only to my students that I interact with daily, but also with my co-teachers? What a privilege! And how did I get to this place of influence??

As we took turns explaining what we had done that semester for our research project, I found that, for the first time ever, teachers were asking me for ideas and affirmation and input on what they were doing. I felt a shift away from me being the advice- seeker, to others asking me how my students performed so well. And it hit me for the first time, but so profoundly—it is not some magical trick, or some great insight, or even ability on my end. The way that I approach teaching is the way that I approach everything else in life—looking to a higher standard than myself or anyone else, looking to God.

I still get sick at the memory of trying to “cut corners,” not being thorough, when I first started teaching at this particular school. I went to my direct supervisor a year ago to tell her that I had cut some corners, and I knew it was wrong, and I was determined to have a higher work ethic. I think she wasn’t happy with what I had admitted, but was even more shocked that I would tell her. This year, I have put diligence, a strong work ethic, thorough planning and persistent follow-through near the top of my list of priorities. And, as the semester ends, I can look to the Father and say thank You. Thank You for taking me down a path that would make the end better than the beginning, though it is hard to see from the beginning.

I was talking with my teenage brother the other night about procrastination. I have never felt more honored in my life than in the times that he has come in my room, usually late at night, to share his heart and ask me for advice. He’s a senior this year and getting ready to start college, and he doesn’t like school, nor deadlines! We discussed the importance of being faithful in the small pressures of life (papers due, chores around the house, confronting a friend) in order to be entrusted with bigger ones (a career that he loves, a family, a ministry). I thought of my diligence as a teacher in small things that led me to the opportunity to share with other co-workers! I always enjoy our conversations and his humility to grow, but I was left convicted too. What pressures may I not be being faithful in, what passivity inhibits me from staying close to His Word and His way? When do I not strive for His standards, especially when no one else sees?

In the meeting today, conversation turned to a student who wrote a paper on sex outside of marriage. After the initial laughs, all eyes turned to me. I really had no idea why, and had no idea what to say. But I believe the Spirit let me in on the fact that there might be conviction in their hearts. They wanted to know if there was another standard outside of what culture tells us. They knew my strong convictions held a different standard. But their eyes did not accuse or mock, in defense against their own guilty conscience. Instead, I sensed true curiosity. Could sexuality have been created with intentionality and beauty and sacredness the way those with a God say that it was? Or does it remain random, unprotected, unmeaningful, unloving, and unfulfilling the way culture has let them experience it? Could there be another standard and could that standard lead to something better than they’ve ever known? In the past, at unprofessional jobs, I have been questioned, and even mocked, for valuing chastity, virginity, and fidelity within marriage, and often felt afraid and intimidated by those who “ganged up” against me. But I held a standard that was not my own, and the One whose standard it was would fight for me, and He did. However, today I did not feel the mockery, I did not feel fear. I felt compassion. I felt pity. I did view sexuality much differently than those in the room. And that same standard that I placed on purity was related to the standard I used as an employee, as a teacher, as a co-worker. It was a set standard, and one outside of myself, God’s standard.

I know that I could sneak in many ways. Though the word sin has become taboo in even evangelical communities (perhaps in reaction to legalism and to emphasize grace), there is such thing as sin. And sin is disobeying God’s commands, or not doing the good we know we are to do. I certainly can never be perfect. I certainly will continue to fall. I certainly WILL sin, and I will come in repentance again, and again, on my knees. But I can know that trying to follow God in obedience is NOT legalism, nor does it deemphasize grace. It reminds me that there is a set standard. That God loves holiness, which is beautiful. That His commands bring life and blessing. That His way, though I can’t always see it, is the best way.

The past couple months, I’ve had a theme that I believe is Spirit-influenced in my journaling: don’t call shameful what I have called beautiful, and don’t call beautiful what I have called shameful. Secret sins that may be painted as beautiful and romantic or global sins that are flashy and powerful and “in” are indeed shameful if they are sin. And the things that may be less recognized by the world, less elegant and stylish, less noticeably influential, may indeed be beautiful if it is of God. Was it God’s idea to let His Son humbly enter earth and then be mocked, tortured and killed by those who only had power because God had given it to them? And yet, it was. His ways are not always understandable. But I trust them. I trust Him. Let me be faithful to His Word alone, whether the world recognizes it or not. Not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. Not ashamed of the standard.

Because I have hope of something more. There will be an outcome. Diligence in my job produces an end of the semester that I rejoice in! Diligence in relationships produces friendships that I know are true. Diligence in staying close to Him produces a sense of security and protection from the deception of Satan and self. And so, there is a standard, and with the will He lets me have, I choose to stay close to His standard, because it is good. It is holy. And it is beautiful. But even when I fall, and because I will, God will YOU keep me close to Your standard. There, I rest.