Community

Although I hold on to my out-of-the-city “East County” roots with my love for country music and conservative values, and prefer more than anything the “beach” culture by the coast, I actually lived in a very inner- city “ghetto” part of San Diego for a significant part of my childhood. Bars on the windows of every house, fierce dogs barking in the yards, metal screen doors that you couldn’t see into, but knew that someone was always looking out of. Bikes got stolen out of our backyard and profanity chalked onto our front driveway. A welcoming family of neighborhood kids came to our front door to see these strange new neighbors—they brought a laundry basket and asked if they could mow our lawn with it. My mom was perplexed, but at that moment, but I hid my laugh, and I knew I loved them.

I snuck over to their house every chance I got. The culture of their ethnicity was itself very community-based, and I was welcomed and fed by their mom every chance she got. Saying that I wasn’t hungry was NOT an option!  J There were four siblings around my age, but they also had about 25 aunts, uncles, and cousins over at their house all the time. We were all around ten and eleven years old, but their cousins were older and in gangs. Even though they taught us some “signs” and profanity, and encouraged us to do a little bit of vandalism, I think they treasured our innocence and I mostly felt protected and loved by this group. Our street was dangerous, and I was threatened at times, but we were all together, and the older cousins sincerely ensured me that they “had my back.” At that time, I wanted to be in a gang when I grew older. I was sure of it. But we moved when I was 12.

We moved from the exciting and dangerous, from adventure in our canyons and fields and picking plants and fruit off random trees, from hills of vines and strange water tunnels, to the boring and quiet, flat and sidewalked and uniform middle-class neighborhood of the “safer” side of San Diego. Their lawns were perfect, but they all looked the same. The people were well-dressed, but they were at work all day long, picking their children up late in the evening to come home to do homework. I desperately missed my friends. I missed my community.

At that time, my family got involved with what we now look back and laugh at and label a “cult.” They were Christian, but believed themselves too “different” to be a part of a church. They were a “parachurch”.  They were ultra-conservative on every level imaginable, and whoever didn’t meet their standards of “holiness” could not be a part of their “clan”. My great desire to be in community drove me to perform on all levels to enter the “inner circle”.  And I did. I was the legend . . . mothers asked daughters if they would grow up to be like Emily. But I did it just to be in the inner- circle. My heart wanted community.

After a few years, things fell apart, as perhaps they do in out-of-church “holier than thou” clubs. Bitterness, competition and lack of love and grace dissipated the group. We started to attend churches again.

One of the first churches we went to was AMAZING. Every Sunday after service, they had what they called “agape feasts”—translated “love feasts”! They believed in community so much! They loved each other, and wanted to do life together. I was only 13, but I knew I wanted to be a part of this denomination, this group of believers! I remember a man in the church confidently telling my father at one of our first meals, “You’ll see, just as I did, that our denomination is the most biblical, makes the most sense, is the most true. Just wait and see, you’ll believe in our theology.” He laughed a good-natured, but knowing, laugh. He appealed to my dad’s need to be “in,” and it appealed to mine too. It WAS a great church and I will never forget the people there. But it too fell apart. Perhaps because of reasons similar to the “parachurch.”

As a young adult, I attended many churches, and got to study and question my own theology. I wanted to know what was TRUE, biblical, not just be a part of the “in” group.

But it happened again. I became friends with a Christian co-worker of mine. He introduced me to a girl in his church and we became fast friends. It was a very VERY small church. But they seemed like such nice people, a very tight-knit community. They all worked together, lived together, had Bible studies, and “traditions” that everyone in their church communally participated in. It was SOO fun to be with them, and I felt so “in” a group.  The pastor and my coworker had prayed about me and the girl being friends. They wanted me to enter their community. The pastor’s mother had me over to her house to give me a special message she had for me. The pastor and his wife had me over to “slay” me in the Spirit. I understood it to be just a matter of Pentecostal theology and nothing more. I knew what I believed and just believed them to be different theologically, but genuine people. But when I didn’t accept their theology I was ostracized. The girl was forbidden to be friends with me and my coworker became distant. I was heart- broken. I was “out.”

I’ve been careful since then to not enter into groups that are “in” merely by excluding others as “out.” But I do still have that deeply rooted desire for community.

The other day, I went to a quaint village restaurant far outside of the city, owned by a communal people who pattern their lifestyle after the “early church” but don’t consider themselves Christians. I had a chance to talk with one of the members of the commune about some of their beliefs. It was the most peaceful and welcoming atmosphere. It felt homey and beautiful, with aesthetic plants and water and all home-grown food. All hand-made furniture adored the rooms and instrumental music lulled the customers into the peaceful environment. I almost felt like I was in an enchanted home of elves in a forest!! You have to check this place out! The people were airy and cheery and happy. I noticed that all of their guests could not HELP but SMILE when they talked with people of the commune. Their simplicity and smiles were just so contagious. I had come there for alone time and reading, and was able to do that and relax for quite a while, but also had some good conversations with guests and commune members. Guests that sat at the “tea bar” deeply wanted to be a part of the community. Workers attracted them with pleasant words and descriptions of their traditions. I was a bit enchanted myself.

However, I noticed on the wall, a flier advertising a discussion about the “deception of having only two final destinies in life.” It was obvious that they were not a biblical community. And yet they were so attractive to everyone, myself included. People longed to be a part of this community.

All of this has me thinking. Thinking about gangs, cults, communes, churches, family, government, countries and cities. I think all people desire so much to be a part of community. To say this is what is “in” the community and this is what is “outside” of it.

Of course from a biblical perspective, I believe that God created the family and the church as His institutions for community (and perhaps even the government? I’m not so good at these concepts!!). But I just think that it is so interesting how much we desire community, to belong. And it reminds me of how we belong in Christ, how we’re a part of His family.

Right now, I’m a part of a small “community” in my church (not cults or gangs!!) and love it! It is satisfying to so many levels of my soul. I do life with these people. But it is based on something SUBSTANTIAL! We agree to a shared creed, like others may, but it is TRUTH! To the Bible as our “rule book.” To allegiance to a Person, but He is GOD! To a mission and lifestyle, but its victory purpose is SURE! We love each other and rejoice together in Him as part of our “mission” as a community to bring our God glory and bask in His love forever. So this is community. This is what my soul longs for. Not community simply for its own sake, but only when totally enraptured and abiding in the SOURCE of Love, our Savior and Friend Jesus Christ. Now, this is community. We are one with Him, and He is one with the Father. He abides in us, and we in Him. And there is fellowship with Him and with each other. This is community.

The Heart of Character

Worship

“Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding ( 4) . . . Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place (12) . . . Where is the way to the dwelling of light? And darkness , where is its place . . . do you know it because you were born then, or because the number of your days is great? (19-21)” – Job 38.

HE is God.

“Oh, clap your hands, all you peoples! Shout to God with the voice of triumph! For the Lord Most High is awesome; He is a great King over all the earth” (Ps. 47:1-2).

HE is praiseworthy.

“But [Jesus] said, ‘If they kept quiet, the stones would do it for them, shouting praise’” (Luke 19:40, The Message).

“That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Phil. 2: 10-11).

HE will be PRAISED!

Surrender

EVERYTHING starts with His glory! I did NOT create the heavens and earth. I don’t watch over the sunrise and sunset every day, let alone every creature on earth! And yet, I am NOT uncared for: “Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel: ‘My way is hidden from the Lord’” (Is. 40:27)—God says to not even THINK like that!!

And whether people love Him and WANT to worship Him, or hate Him and don’t, we will all bow to Him at His throne one day. He WILL be worshiped!!

The question right now for me is a matter of surrender. Although He could, He doesn’t force it. I have the choice to live a life of sin and self- importance, or to surrender. I know I DON’T want a life of sin, as comforting or appealing or safe as it may seem. I’ve seen the effects of DARKNESS and I don’t want it. So, my only other option is surrender.

And not just some surrender--- ALL. To this day, everything I’ve surrendered, in faith, to the Lord, has been blessed. My fear of surrendering isn’t even logical because He has proven Himself over and over that what is surrendered is put into very good hands. Whatever I’ve entrusted to His care or invested in His kingdom has 100% been blessed and multiplied for my good and growth and His glory. So, let me choose to surrender all. All of it!! Take it all Lord.

In humility, I must hold fast to the Savior, choosing to completely fall into, trust, the mysterious and mighty and good God that holds me.

Growth

Although pain is a catalyst for my growth, I’ve seen it at times also become a comfortable “friend” that I’m hesitant to part with. But I believe that if Paul says He can forget what is behind and press forward, so can I!! My past is neither something I can take glory in, nor pity. And although I choose to remember things in order to be wise, and trust in His proven faithfulness, I push forward. My focus is on what is ahead! I must seek to mature mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.

Although I do not want to overwork to get rich, or strive out of an anxious heart, I am called to diligence. I am called to redeem the time, be alert, and to follow through on what I begin. I am called to be a faithful worker, unto the Lord, even when I am not being watched by an overseer. I am also called to develop my mind and gifts to His glory and in His strength.

I also remember that words have so much power. What I speak in my mind and out loud have power to effect what I believe about myself and the world and God. I must speak words in perspective and encouragement and hope!

Wisdom

Wisdom is one of the necessary tools God calls me to take hold of for living the Christian life. Wisdom is called SUPREME and it is worth costing everything I have! And the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord. It is also vastly practical. It is used for PRACTICING the truth. Robert Coleman, author of The Master Plan of Evangelism, says that the disciples’ “capacity to receive revelation would grow provided they continued to practice what truth they did understand” (p. 56). It cannot simply be stored. By definition, wisdom is acting on the knowledge of truth we are given. The more I practice using wisdom, the wiser I’ll become.

One great outpouring of wisdom is self-control. Using restraint is neither immediately enjoyable nor easy. But it is certainly the means to a more enjoyable and easy life. Wisdom foresees this, and chooses friends and influences, actions and thoughts, carefully. It guards its heart and mind with vehemence and pursues purity and integrity. It initiates righteousness, when all others fall into evil, and it is proactive in planning ahead, seeking advice, and choosing to do what is right. It values character above achievement and believes there is value in the promise even when its rewards cannot be seen. Sometimes the things that are most obvious if we are outside the situation escape our minds when we’re deep in the situation and not actively pursuing wisdom.

Love and Compassion

I know that I am to love God and I am to love others! I love God by obeying His commands—“If you love Me, keep My commandments” (John 14:15).  And I love others by pursuing their best interest—“Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself” (Phil. 2:2-3).  Though not immediately evident, pursuing someone else’s interest at the sacrifice of my own does bring me JOY!!

Forsaking jealousy, competition, and bitterness, I must DESIRE what is VERY GOOD for those around me, praying for them, encouraging them, being happy for them. Whatever UNlovliness or baggage or hurt or immaturity someone brings to community, I must surround them and confront, love on, endure, protect, pray for, and encourage their growth and success.

Confidence

“You who bring good tidings, get up into the high mountain . . . lift up your voice with strength, lift it up, be not afraid; Say to the cities of Judah, ‘Behold your God!’” (Is. 40:9).

I will choose confidence. Not fearing what man can do to me, I will fear God alone. I will speak of Him with boldness, and I will trust His directions and commands. When I cannot see, I will continue to move forward in faith and hope in something greater than myself and greater than my sight! Submissive to others, clothed in humility, and grounded in His Word, I will walk forward in confidence that I have an inheritance in heaven, that I am part of a royal family, that my Father is protecting me, that Jesus is coming again to bring me to my eternal home, and that I will live forever in the presence of my King!

God, develop my yearning heart with the character that You’ve designed for me to wear. Let me be a woman that worships in complete surrender, seeks to grow in humility, confidence and wisdom, and who loves others with a full heart. And let me love You above all!

A Heart at Rest

I woke up at 6: am this morning with such a strong sense from the Lord: “I will protect you.” From what? I didn’t feel especially attacked or necessarily a need to be protected. But I did feel extreme anxiety and asked the Lord to calm my heart and let me get a little more sleep that morning.

I don’t usually take naps, but overcome with tiredness I did today, and again woke up with such an attack of anxiety. It was a peaceful day, fans on a low buzz because of the warm weather and my room sweetly dark, nothing to worry about. Why was I anxious?

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I would like to think that it’s a high I.Q. that makes my mind so complicated and filled with racing thoughts, and a high E.Q. that makes me so intuitive and sensitive to myself and social dynamics!! Hehe! J Of course I do have reason and emotional intuition, but sometimes my mind and emotions may overact at an unhealthy speed because of anxiety. During these times I feel my heart worried, and struggling to be still, at rest. 

“Be still and know that I am God.”

A sweet roommate of mine had seen me through the fun and exciting, but we were also close enough where she saw me through a dark period in my life. There was one time where I actually over-analyzed a situation to the point of tears. I knew some of the things that had been passed down to me from “generational cycles,” I was aware of statistics and my own track record to follow these same patterns, and I desperately wanted to just be healed. My mind was almost going crazy trying to figure things out that it wasn’t meant to, or able to at that time. Things I had no way of knowing, things I had to “let be” but couldn’t stand to lose control of. My words jumbled out from a heart deeply anxious, confused . . . and even a little bit hopeless.  

“Be still and know that I am God.”

My dear roommate (who I actually shared a room with!) saw me in and through some of this pain and was such a friend. Although I received excellent reviews and evaluations at work and was the type of teacher I would hire if I were the principle, I still struggled with strong anxiety over my job. I would get sudden panic attacks, out of nowhere, that I would lose my job . . . and if I lost my job no one would hire me again . . .  and the thoughts spiraled down from there. I remember my roommate telling me to lie down and she played some soft music in the background for me and prayed for me. What an amazing friend!!! But it was another situation of anxiety that I will never forget her words. In the midst of another string of almost despairing “what if’s”, her eyes filled with such compassion and a hint of sadness: “Emily, your mind can be a strength for you, but it can also be your great weakness.” Her words of truth hit me like a wall. I saw it (for sure, truth from a friend is worth ten times that amount of comfort!). I was giving in to an attack on my heart to despair and be anxious.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Today, someone was telling me the story of a 19-year-old boy in my church who overdosed on Morphine and died last year. I didn’t know him at all but for some reason started crying. I thought of this young kid who felt in pain and just wanted a little bit more, a little bit more, to relieve that pain he felt. And one time, it was a little too much . . .  and took his precious life. I immediately thought of my 17-year-old brother whom I love so much. I’ve seen him in pain. I’ve seen friends in pain. I’ve been in pain. And that pain often leads to addictions. Just something to help relieve that pain. Big addictions, and sometimes tiny ones. But something that won’t stop. Something crying out from an anxious heart—“I need more, and more, and I can’t find what it is!” I want to be dependent on a substance, an activity, a person, a feeling, to relieve this pain, this anxiety. Sometimes something so innocent: food, friends, Facebook, traveling. What was the next big high, the next big adventure? But sometimes destructive or debilitating. If not taking away our physical life, it certainly takes the "living" out of our life.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

I think back to this morning. What is it that God is protecting me from? There are constant attacks to my heart. I am seeing that I am in a constant warzone—Satan wants my heart. He wants me to ask “what if?” He wants me to not be quite at rest, satisfied, where I am. He wants me to struggle and be anxious for something I can’t even see or know. Satan wants this, not because he cares about me, but because he wants to downplay God. Who God is. His goodness, His provision, His care, His ability to satisfy me.

And those times that I want more and more, and I struggle to wonder if He’s going to provide tomorrow when He’s already provided today, let me rest. Let my heart say: His goodness TODAY is enough! I don’t need to know, I don’t need to wonder, if there’s more, if it will continue tomorrow. Let me be still. Let me know that HE IS GOD. And all of who He is. He is love and He is provider. My growth and healing and purpose and life will all unfold in His time. Let me rest.

Let me be still and know Him.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Thank you for protecting me God . . . from those attacks to my heart. Let me just be so still today, so at peace, so enjoying Your presence. Thank You Jesus . . . that You are enough.

To Be Wanted

My favorite Shakespeare story is not one of the more famous ones. Rather, it is a more obscure comedy called Much Ado About Nothing. I’ve read it a zillion times, memorized passages. Something about the storyline and characters just gets to me! The story begins with two main characters, Benedick and Beatrice, who refuse to admit they love each other. So, their friends devise a plan to make them “fall in love” by convincing each that the other was madly in love with them. Through much ado, and seeing that they are wanted and loved by the other, they eventually give admission and permission to their own feelings to want.

It’s a great story—read it! J hehe . . .

But romance is not the only place others may desire to be wanted. In general friendships, I often find myself asking the question: am I needed by this person? Or, is my company and conversation at least wanted by this person? Is my presence, my attention, my gifts and skills, the essence of who I am desired?

I was walking through a large outside mall and was suddenly pulled in close (I guess looking back, it could have been awkward!) by a girl at one of the kiosks. She was warm and friendly and with great interest, asked if I was Italian. I discovered that she was Italian and we began a lively conversation of countries we’ve visited and cultural differences. She seemed absolutely fascinated to be talking with me and I began to enjoy our conversation. Within a few minutes, she suavely transitioned into selling her product to which I graciously, but candidly, rejected. Suddenly this warm and friendly girl-of-the-world no longer had the time for me. She refused to look at me and was busily on to “befriending” her next prospective customer.

Wow! When I had thought that she wanted me for me, I was thrilled to talk with her. But as soon as I discovered she could care less about me, the conversation was not at all interesting or desirable for me!

I want a lot of things. I want comfort and security, a fulfilling and exciting purpose, closeness with others, and much else. But for all my wanting, I think there is an even deeper desire, soul-ache really, to be wanted.

I would like someone to think of me, desire and celebrate my presence, congratulate and praise my skills, enjoy my company. I want to be wanted!!

I’ve definitely had friendships where I felt used. Romantic interests who ask how I am, only in the hope that I will deeply want, admire, celebrate them.

Soon after high school, I worked in a restaurant as a hostess. A coworker slid into the booth next to me where I was sitting and wrapping silverware into napkins: “Emily, I was wondering if we could meet up and you could tell me a little bit about Jesus.” He had just come up to my hostess counter the night before to tell me that he was taking a creative writing class because of me, and wanted to write something about me. I tried to dissuade him by saying “I’m not interesting,” to which of course he looked deep into my eighteen- year- old eyes and said slowly, “you are the most interesting person I’ve ever met.” I felt wanted—he appreciated who I was. I felt needed—coffee to talk about Jesus? Sure! But thankfully I was in good accountability and was advised that this young guy was the one who DEEPLY needed to be wanted. He needed to know his worth and his value and was hoping to find it in me.

Whenever I get into one of my moods where I feel like I deeply need to be wanted, I try to take some alone time—often to the beach. Granted, I want to do the opposite. I want to run out and find someone to WANT me—someone to confirm my worth or my value.

But I’ve learned over the past couple years that that deep feeling of insecurity is when I most need to be alone—at least for a short period of time. It’s my trigger. My alarm system. I feel insecure because I don’t know my worth.

My worth can never be found in how much someone wants me, approves of me, recognizes me, or loves me. This is good to know!! Because the second I am not wanted, approved of, recognized or loved, I may question my value and deem myself “worthless.”

But my worth is NOT found in others’ desire of me.  My worth is found in God. HE is that source!! He deeply WANTS me . . . and not because He needs anything from me! He is completely filled in and of Himself, and the only source that can fill me!

I was starting to wonder how so many people who desperately need to be wanted, desired, given value and love would find it among each other. Would we enter a type of business agreement—I’ll show love to you and you show love to me?  I feel that there is something lacking in that.

I feel like that is so superficial, because really there is no source behind it, no power!!

The only source of love is God. We love because He first loved us!! There is no way I can love someone the way they really need to be loved without the supernatural love of God. And there is no way I can find that love from anyone without God!!

So God, help me, help me find that love in You. Fill me up. And then help me learn how to truly desire, celebrate, and love others with the source of love YOU provide!!

“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him” (1 John 4:16).

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7).

Hope

Sometimes I have this question: if I am not getting what I believe is a very good gift from God, am I doing something wrong and being punished?

I usually don’t voice it exactly like that because I would see how ridiculous that would be. But I know I think that sometimes. Basically, I’m not getting what I want and what I think I deserve, and I don’t like the feeling of being denied it. And then I try to be a little bit manipulative with God by saying, “Well, what is it that I’m not doing right, what am I doing wrong, that makes You withhold this thing I want?”

Oh, Emily. God is good. He is not withholding. Walk with Him. But also know that what He has given you now is exactly what He wants you to have. He is not withholding good things from you in punishment.

No, His heart is very good toward you. Perhaps it is a time of testing, or even training through discipline, but He is good.

Have faith dear soul. There is much more than you can see. There is a much bigger picture. You cannot understand it all, but His ways, His thoughts, are far above yours. They see. They know. He knows.

And when disappointment enters your heart, replace it with hope, immediately. Don’t wait a moment. Hope again. Yes, dare to hope again. Because good will always come. You are in the line to receive good because you are His.

Disappointment dwelled on only leads to discouragement and eventually despair. No, exercise that muscle of hope and patience. It is weak, but let it become strong.

I won’t say all good things come to those who wait, but I will say that all good is in my path because He is my Sustainer.

And no, I cannot see, but I believe. I believe that He is good. And in that dark moment that my heart entertains doubt, I will alter my mind and I will revive my heart for its love and say: but no, He is my God, and I will trust Him yet.

Created Female

I’m a girl. I’m sitting here right now with a small stash of dark chocolate.  I just got back from a fun visit with a dear friend to hold and admire her darling newborn, and have a heart-to-heart over what God’s been doing in our lives. I came home to my mom and a friend painting her kitchen and was asked to snap some pictures—I immediately directed them into cute girlie poses. And some girlfriends and I have a fun aerobics night planned for this evening!  Not that a guy doesn’t like chocolate and newborns, heart-to-hearts and aerobics —and perhaps even girlie poses—but the way that I do these things, really everything I do, is in a particularly girlie way. I’m a girl!

I remember sitting and reading Disney’s Cinderella with a young boy neighbor at 5 years old. At the “Happily Ever After” ending, he reached over and gave me a hug and said that that was going to be us someday (were my parents supervising and who this was, I have no idea!!). But for some reason, his reaction thrilled me! The idea of being Cinderella in a beautiful dress, admired and loved by my Prince, mmmm . . .  and that someone wanted to be that with me!! Woa!! I was hooked. Romance entered my world . . . and hasn’t left since! I’m a girl.

In an increasingly sexless (gender confused) culture, I wonder if saying that I admire the differences in men and woman and LOVE the distinct and unique creativity He put in each of them is politically correct. But I do!!! I love men and I love women! And I celebrate the differences! It fascinates me how we are so different.

I have two brothers, two brothers-in-law, and three sisters. I also have multiple friends, mentors, students and coworkers of both genders. I interact with both men and women and am amazed and intrigued by specific tendencies each gender has. I mean, for sure we are all human, we are all equal, we interact and operate on very very similar levels, but there are differences, and I love it. To me, seeing these differences confirms in my mind that God created two wholly unique genders. And if He created it that way, there must be a purpose—and I love seeing purpose!

Perhaps I break the mold of the typical valley-girl (where I live in Southern California) female, in that I hate shopping and high heels, and tend to be a bit focused and rational. And unfortunately there are stereotypes that are inaccurate and confining for either sex, but I believe that I’ve been given a deeply feminine heart. And I believe that the redeemed essence of that heart is beautiful.  I’m not sure of all that that means exactly, but I know that God created me a woman and I love being a woman! J

I love men too! Unfortunately, it hasn’t always been that way. Somewhere between the wanting to have my Prince at five years old and through the age of 15, I interacted with some not-so-good men. I learned to fear them, and—I dislike saying this so much!—even hate them. Lacking good love from good men, I started to believe that all men were bad. It wasn’t unnatural for me to come to these adolescent conclusions based on my experiences, but it was sadly wrong! I was missing out! And for about ten years I did miss out as I closed myself off from that gender. But praise the Lord, God intervened when I didn’t even know I needed it!

I loved God. For sure I did. And I found it so interesting to me that God, portrayed as a male in the Bible, made the female heart and knew exactly what He designed our heart to want and what He purposed them for—especially since, for so long, my female heart did not feel cherished or wanted or loved and I felt ashamed to be female with men in general. But I believed God’s purpose, more than I believed my own experience. I guess that’s faith. I began to pray that God would teach me how to love men and teach me how to begin to trust.

I LOVE my brothers and my brothers-in-law. Every one of them is the most guy-guy (military, truck-driver, linemen, extreme sports, video games), and yet the most tender-hearted, sweet men that I know. I began to pray for my relationships with them first. I began to open up, to let down some walls, be vulnerable, to let them serve me and love me, and share their knowledge (things I would never have done before). Today, I could cry right now at how sweetly they treat me. I feel honored to have such precious, loving and giving men in my life.

I’ve also been able to slowly, but steadily open up to a group of male friends in my life. I will never forget the day that I opened up with a single male friend last year. I shared something I was deeply ashamed of, something from my past, something I was so afraid that if a guy found out, he would use against me. It wasn’t even that bad, but for me it seemed horrible. It made me weak. It made me vulnerable. It opened me up to rejection, and to my experience and hurt being marked invalid.  I fretted for two days as I wondered how this male friend would react. Would he think I was a ridiculous girl? Would he feel sorry for me? Would he not know how to react and just ignore me? I cried in regret of putting my story “out there”—of telling him anything.

But, also in God’s beautiful plan of redeeming these ugly and sad parts of my life, his response finally came and brought me more tears. Tears of joy and disbelief. I did not tell him at the time, but I could not IMAGINE a better response. I felt such acceptance and love and empathy and care and validation. All the strong emotions I felt made me feel like I could have married him that day! (although that by itself would have been a poor reason to marry someone!) . . . but he became a friend. I put myself out there, and he came through. He accepted me, he loved me. He, at that moment, redeemed all men in my heart and mind to me. There are good men. Men willing to give . . . without even asking for something. He was Jesus to me that day, and I will never forget it.

I heard somewhere, in my years of being counseled, that, statistically, for every bad experience someone has with a particular thing, he needs seven good experiences with that thing to counter the deep rooted belief that bad experience gave. This is encouraging and discouraging at the same time . . . deep sigh out. Discouraging because this means I’m going to need a LOT of good experiences! J  But encouraging because I believe it is possible. I’ve continued to put myself in a position of vulnerability with men since then—and have come away with amazing and beautiful and tear-jerking  experiences of Jesus- love from very good men. And as I come away with this love that they give me, I realize that I’ve been missing out on the greatness God created in men—the bravery, the courage and sacrifice, the strength and stability, and humor and care and insight and love. I remember the day I asked God to teach me to love men and I look at where I am now. Wow, thank You God. Thank You for nudging me when I didn’t know there was something I was missing out on!

And although it's still a journey, and I don't think I've near "arrived," I think about how much I’ve been loved on, and it makes me want to love back so much. To love so sincerely and sacrificially as a sister. I almost feel bad at how much I've been given and how little I've been able to give back. But this was my time to receive, and that's okay. It makes me want to love all the more!

And so I see differences. I’ve always seen differences. But now I celebrate them. I love being a woman, and I love being in a world with men and women. I thank God for His creativity of male and female!! J

And although Jesus is my greatest love and Prince, and I don’t want to idolize romance or marriage . . . but perhaps I can again wait for my man to come . . .  in His time  J . . . okay, I know that’s girlie . . . but I can’t help it!! I'm a girl.

Desire

My first real job was working as a barista at Starbucks. I wanted that job like no other!  I was 18 and the thought of having a job and making money was appealing. I also really wanted to work THERE. Making drinks, talking to customers and taking orders, drinking my own free unlimited coffee combinations. Just being inside a Starbucks made me happy! I REALLY prayed for that job. And I got it!! Even with some minimal clean-up duties, I still loved working there the whole nine months I was there. And until this day, I don’t know what it is, but I like to work, especially if it’s in close quarters with other people!

I also love to cook. I love fine foods. I’m one of those food connoisseurs that wants to taste every flavor in my food, and I want it all freshly grown, bought and cut. I have my favorite recipes, but I also like to experiment with new combinations. And the best part—to eat what I’ve made!

And if I’m really hungry—two desires met at once! Hunger satisfied and taste enjoyed! I sometimes can’t even understand why other people don’t enjoy eating so much as I do!

I like other things too. I like summer nights when the sun stays up really late. I like oranges and cherries. I like to see people find purpose and do what they love to do. I like stories, especially those that involve undeserved pain, noble sacrifice and beautiful surrender. I like love stories and reconciliation. I like comedians (clean ones! J) and laughing. I like a feeling after working out, getting better after being sick, or eating and laughing with a group of close friends. I like being known and loved for who I am, and I like playing a purpose in someone’s life. I like music. I like seeing growth in my life. I like to visit other countries and new places. I like to learn, I like to create, I like energy . . . wow, I like a lot of things!

I could never be a stoic or a Buddhist or the lukewarm Laodicean church (denying passions, emotions, desires).  I love desire too much. I even idolize desire sometimes (not good!) . . . but I like that feeling of wanting something so much. And I think that desire was given to me for a purpose—to drive me toward something so beautiful, so great, so worthy of wanting. Idolatry aside, I like desire, and I’m glad He gave it to me!

I listened to a radio program recently of theologian R.C. Sproul talking about assurance of salvation. He asked his listeners if we loved Jesus with our whole heart. If not, he asked, did we love him even at all? Was there any affection in our heart for Jesus at all? I knew there was! I loved Him a little. I loved Him sometimes. I was SURE . . . a part of me really loved Him. Sproul said that even that little love must come from the Holy Spirit and was proof that I belonged to Him.

 My heart had some good desires! There was good desire planted in my heart by the Holy Spirit.

I love it that two theologians I respect—R.C. Sproul, and John Piper-- so emphasize the affections of the heart in being a basis for our relationship with God. Understanding His Word must come with a deep DESIRE to love Him, worship Him, serve Him, be with Him, see His name lifted up.  The demons believe but hate Him. Satan is probably a master theologian (I would guess more than any other person on earth!)—he knows a lot about God—but desires to have all worship for himself. But a child of God, one loved by Him, understands the Gospel and LOVES Him!!!!

Even just saying that makes my heart happy . . . because I do. He is sweet. He has given so much. He has let me enter His friendship. He makes my heart jump, and I love Him.

But not all the time. I don’t even know Him as a physical person, I can’t see Him, I’ve never heard an audible voice. He actually even seems boring and sometimes like He isn’t really a person. Often I’d rather call and talk to a friend on the phone than Him. I’d rather get advice from someone I can see than read the Word. I question His reality and I question His heart for me. Does He really love me? Does He really care? Is He really there? Is He listening? And when I question His love, my love starts to teeter. I love Him because He FIRST loved me . . . If I don’t feel loved, my heart starts to look for other lovers. Other desires.

So how do I keep my desire alive? How do I keep my heart whole? How do I not become stoic or lukewarm, but let myself desire Him more and more, even if I don’t feel loved? Is my desire and feeling one and the same? How do I grow my heart for the greatest Person to be desired—my Jesus—when my heart wants other things too? Can I desire many things? What is a good desire, a bad desire, a neutral desire?

Questions . . . not answers.

God, please answer my questioning heart. Teach me about desire. Teach me Your truth. And grow my love for You, Jesus, my sweet, sweet Jesus.

The Bad Part of My Heart

“Emily, did you lie to me?” Her eyes didn’t shift, but mine did, for a minute, and then back-- “Yes,” I admitted with a voice of defeat. I had. And I was caught. I told a manger in this Christian ministry a flat out lie. I was in charge of the girl’s sleeping quarters and taking care of them in various ways. One of the girls couldn’t afford an extra night and asked me to cover for her by saying that she hadn’t spent the night, so she wouldn’t have to pay. I did—to my manager. I abused my power and trust to re-create reality.

Oh what would I do to get someone’s approval!

I think of Pontius Pilate, who asks “what is truth?” (John 18:38), and later shows his confusion of truth by finally deciding to crucify Jesus “to satisfy the crowds” (Mark 15:15), although he didn’t find anything wrong with what Jesus had done . . .  I wonder how far my heart could go in compromising truth?

Manipulation is a fine art. It’s kind of a beautiful art. In fact, it seems very god-like. Not godly, but like a god. The manipulator has beautiful, expert finesse in controlling situations and people in such a cunning way that it looks like these things just happened on their own! And the beautiful part—the manipulator’s will is done and desires are met. Well done! Bravo! I congratulate you, Manipulator! It was a great show.

But go ahead and take a bow and leave the stage. The show is over.

I’ve certainly been manipulated, and it hurt. I felt used. But I do it too! To my shame and embarrassment, I loved lying as a kid. I knew the truth in my mind, but I manipulated it to get my way. I can point to specific times, even as a teen-ager and adult, that I told a bold-faced lie! I hate that. I regret it, I’ve repented, I’ve been forgiven. But wow, I know the power of lying.

I’ve discovered that the messenger of both truth and lying is one and the same—words. Language. I’m a language girl. I love English and love other languages. I like seeing it used tastefully, creatively. I love seeing it bring hope and life and inspiration back into people’s eyes . . . and dislike seeing it used for the opposite. Certainly, the tongue has power!

But even more than bringing hope or encouragement, words are a messenger of reality—what is, what isn’t.

And I have the power of creating that reality in my mind, and in the minds of others through my words. Granted there are many ways to see things, the world has grays, and there is not always a right or wrong for every situation, but I do believe in truth. And that truth comes from God.

As I’ve more recently tried to seek God, I find myself often asking this question: Am I aligning myself with God’s reality (what is), or am I creating, and trying to convince others, of my own fantasy- view of reality (what would be if I were God)?

For sure there is a difference between fantasy and creation!

I create with my words every day. I write stories and poetry, I play piano and guitar, I have visions and goals, I throw parties and organize events, I shop and design my wardrobe, I make friendships, I plan my days, I lesson plan and teach classes, I cook known recipes and make my own—I love to create!! And I had a role in those creations becoming reality—what is.

But I hope my creating heart never tries to re-create what already is by exchanging fantasy for truth. I hope my words desire to be true and wish that they would never manipulate.

I think that aligning with God’s truth is so important as I pursue purity of heart. I want to know my heart, but as I get close, I see there is a great division in it. One part of my heart longs for goodness and truth and to adore my God. But another part still lives in darkness and still loves badness and strongly wants to adore me. That part is hard to see, and I don’t like it. It is a part of my heart I want to close off and keep in hiding.

But I just read in 1 John this morning that “if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us” (1:10). My hiding bad parts need to come to the light, so that His Word, truth, reality, can be in me!

And I saw in the same chapter that “if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another” (1:7) . . . walking in the light also affects how close I get to others!

As undesirable as they are to see, I think those hiding bad parts of me keep me away from God, from others, and from reality.

So bring them to the light God—let my heart be known.