Togetherness

I was listening to a favorite author and speaker of mine today, Beth Moore, encourage listeners to use their spiritual gifts for the glory of God. “The spiritual gift is given to us,” she said, “but not for us.” She said it would be easy for her to use her teaching position to gain attention and popularity for herself, but she knew her gift was for others. She also explained how we depend on each other for the gifts we offer!

Wow. I could imagine several instances of depending on the gifts of others.

I depend on the teaching of pastors to learn about God and the Word. On my mom's gift of mercy to give me a break when my overly harsh conscience fuels feelings of inadequacy. On the encouragement of cheering friends when I was feeling low, or didn’t quite believe myself strong enough to march forward in God’s call.

 I’ve depended on people for friendship, for money, for a car, for a place to live! On organizational skills of others! I have one friend who consistently invites herself over just when I need a friend (but won’t ask for it) . . . I mean, this girl literally shows up at my door unannounced, and in my PJ’s or not, we sit on my couch to chat.

I depend on (guy) friends to diagnose my car or help me move (or sometimes be a body-guard when needed!). I depend on my little sister to help me find a chord on my guitar, or my little brother to challenge me to work out. I direct all my medical questions to my nurse roommate, or my money questions to my business-minded brother.

 Yeah, I certainly do not live isolated! Nor would I ever want to!

This theme has been hitting me a lot lately. Togetherness.

We were made to live together. I would emotionally and spiritually starve otherwise.

There is a cultural phenomenon that is so real and so pervasive and so carefully manipulated that I hesitate to even bring it up because I am afraid of the attack it would bring on me --  but I trust the sure protection of my Savior over the attack of my enemy!-- Satan is strongly trying to isolate us.

The enemy to our soul, to our growth, to our satisfaction, and to God’s glory, wants so bad to destroy us individually by destroying our “togetherness."

I’ve been through church splits, seen my parents divorce, been to countries that had recently been through war. I’ve seen friends and family members refuse to talk with each other. I’ve experienced effects of division. It’s broken my heart.

I’ve also seen effects of the more passive version of division— self-dependence. Isolation through “doing it alone” is even more scary and sad to me than division. My family used to have one television in the living room; now everyone has a television in their own room so they can choose what they want to watch. We don’t have to go through the pain of dividing . . . we’ll just live isolated. We don’t affect each other, or hurt each other, but neither do we depend on each other, or find love.

Technology may be new, but fantasy is not. Fantasy can easily keep people isolated too. When I was going through a hard period in my childhood, I entered a fantasy world. In that world, I manipulated the characters, I controlled the circumstances. But, I’m so thankful God rescued me out of that world. Though I love creative imagination, living in fantasy world is cold and unsatisfying. When God brought me into the warmth and love of reality as a teen, I haven’t wanted to go back to fantasy since! I even have a hard time enjoying TV or movies (or talk incessantly during them) because I’m so thankful for reality!

I think of the way God created “togetherness” in marriage and its unfortunate and unsatisfying substitute “lust.” It’s a lot of work and giving to create and maintain a relationship! And how easy it is to find a substitute or indulge in sexual pleasure outside of marriage. And yet the true “togetherness” of giving and depending on each other is only found in marriage.

I think of adventure. This one hits home for me. Though my calling overseas to Thailand for over 3 years was of God, it was an adventure! My last year was isolated in a village, and the loneliness brought me home. And yet I was ready for the adventure to continue when I came home. I made plans to go to Egypt and Israel for 3 months each, and Brazil was in the near future. I made friends quickly, but also left them easily. I had gotten my Teaching English degree to make me mobile and marketable in any country I had a fancy for.  And yet God spoke clearly to me when I got home to San Diego that I was to stay, to get grounded, to get involved. I had never imagined being a college instructor, but they sought me out. I accepted the job, and decided to stay.

At the time I thought I was giving up my chance to better myself, improve myself. Young and single and free! I could gain experience. And perhaps I was giving that up. Yet, I’ve learned that it was the Spirit’s plan to teach me dependence. Staying was the best decision of my life, and only now can I see that.

I have since been committed to a group of people, to a church, to friends, to my family, to a job, to a city, to a ministry. And I have never been so satisfied being so closely connected, committed to and dependent on others. God may move me to another country in the future, but being “grounded” is His plan for me right now, and I’m loving it!

“Togetherness,” community, fellowship, the Body. We were made in the image of it, and we were made for it!

And I’m so thankful for that!!! So, I will stay connected! And I will use my spiritual gifts for the body! (And I’ll get married! . . . hehe! J ) . . .

Togetherness.

Holiness

I had a heart to heart with my 17-year-old brother tonight. He is more quiet than our youngest sister (who does enough talking for our whole family!), but in a one-on-one he has a lot to say. He is a senior in high school, one of his school’s star football players and mentored by the pastor of the church he attends. He and I actually have similar personalities, a little bit thoughtful and feelers, and have always had a special bond.

Tonight his questions, and ponderings, centered around frustrations he’s recently felt in his social circles . . . mostly about what he’s noticed in friends and classmates.

I'm not sure if it was what he noticed, or more how much he cared, that touched and broke my heart.

No one cares, he said. He related how when he was a freshmen, he knew the seniors were "bad" kids, but he didn’t think his class would ever get to that point. Now, they’re no different from any kids of the world. He said he knew this about the guys. But his greatest shock was with the girls. Freshman girls would have been in shock at the things the guys did and said. Now they liked it, joined in. They act just like guys, he said. And the guys don’t care about anything except having fun. They can’t see long-term, or desire any accomplishment or maturity.

His disappointment with people was a feeling that rang familiar with me. Yah, I’ve been there. I’ve certainly seen groups of people act in shocking ways. Namely, ungodly. And, it’s been disappointing.

My brother and I got to talk about how God does care even more than we do about each person’s individual journey and that He is in control. Really, no righteousness, or even desire for righteousness, is of ourselves, but from God. We recognized that God looks at the heart, a heart that we can’t see or know. And we discussed reasons and motivations behind teenage apathy and immaturity, and cultural effects on their ways of thinking. We felt compassion and we felt pain. And I felt impressed.

What a young man, without a father in his life, to care about these things. From a girl’s perspective, I got to share with him how impressive it is for some girls to see a guy who does care about righteousness, and he said likewise for a guy seeing a girl pursue purity. We recognized that a desire for holiness, or its lack of, is not gender-specific . . . but that it certainly is needed.

But oh God, please let us desire it. Let us seek both grace and mercy in the truth that we have nothing to offer of ourselves, but also DESIRE righteousness, goodness, purity, holiness, because YOU DO.

Make us people who are willing to stand up, to dare to be different, to walk according to Your ways, believing that in them we will find our greatest joy.

God, make us a generation that seeks Your face. Break our hearts for what breaks Yours.

And give us rest and hope, that You ARE doing the work.

Perfect

Tonight I got to chat with some close friends of mine after they put their baby to bed. Somewhere in the conversation of catching up, laughing, and relating where God has us and where we see Him taking us in the future, I started to admit to anxiety I sometimes get and fears of inadequacy. There seems to always be another step in education or the workplace or in relationships or in growing my own character, mind, and abilities, and I never am quite where I want to be. And, I never am quite enough wherever I am.

My guy friend, who just finished seminary and is currently working with the youth in his church, encouraged me with the story of Joseph. He said, Emily, Pharaoh did not look at Joseph’s unimpressive resume of 13 years in slavery and prison; he didn’t look at his horrendous family dysfunction in his past or his low social position as a Hebrew. No, Pharaoh looked for one thing to qualify Joseph to become second-in-command of all of Egypt—a man who was Spirit-filled.  Emily, he said, even the secular world recognizes those who follow God. And, you can be in no better place than surrendering everything to be led by the Spirit.

Wow.

I remember an affirming conversation I had with the dean of my department a couple months ago. “Emily, you have this position as long as you want it,” he told me with sincerity and a smile. However, I walked away from the conversation with a sinking feeling in my stomach. “Or as long as he still believes I’m everything he thinks I am,” I told myself.  Despite positive evaluations by the students, a peer teacher, and the dean who observed me in class, a good resume, interview and performance in front of coworkers, I still let self-defeating thoughts bring me down. What if I’m just not enough? What if I’m found to be lacking and he wishes he hadn’t hired me?

Other examples come to mind of times I’ve let fear of not being enough convince me that I am inadequate for what God has called me to do. Many of these are deeply rooted in beliefs I’ve held since being a young child, and they are not easy to get rid of.

I struggle with fear . . . and perfectionism. I sometimes let lies play repeatedly: You’re only in this position or relationship because you deceived someone into believing you’re capable of it. That mistake right there is PROOF you are a fraud. You and what you do will never be good enough to be worth something.

It is certainly not fun to have these thoughts running through my mind! And really, they debilitate and paralyze me from moving forward and doing well in what God HAS called me to do.

And it’s okay for me to go through these dry or dark times, and just be open about them. If I’m not real in the dark times, I’m not real at all. But I also hope to move forward from the dark times. I hope to allow myself to completely surrender to His Spirit.

Often, this means letting go of worrying about what people think about me, my reputation. Being open, being real. Also, this means getting nice and comfy with the uncomfortable—being misunderstood, judged, or my failures and weaknesses exposed—and being okay with it. And sometimes, it even means completing something 90% and letting that be good enough rather than always waiting for the 100% just around the corner but never reached. Realizing that something that is not my ideal of perfection may still be good.

Yah, this is just another thing to learn . . . but I’m going to put that anti-perfectionism to work right here . . . it’s okay. Not perfect in this area, and that’s okay. The Spirit IS leading me, and will teach what He needs to teach when He knows is best.

Sooooo . . . again, I rest.

Jesus, can You teach me what it means to let go of striving, rest in the plans You have, pursue Your call in my life only under the Spirit’s leading, and to trust You to do the work. And more than this, teach me what it means to understand and love Your work, Your great, perfect¸ work of salvation and love poured out at the cross. I love You, my Jesus.

My Hidden God

My invisible God often hides Himself. He does not often jump out at me like other attractive, visible lovers that call my name. No, although He is quite confident in Himself that He can and will satisfy everything I could ever long for, He is unlike the others that try to defend with many words, seduce, convince of their greatness. In fact, I find Him simply quietly call me to seek Him. Come, He whispers, if you want to see. Taste, try.

And yet, at the small and shabby gate that He invites me to enter, I sense great mystery behind His eyes . . . okay, I will come through this door, for though small and hidden and unattractive, I believe there is more than I know, more than I see, even more than I could ever imagine.

I let go of the hands that have grabbed mine, the ones that promise strength and thrill and protection and greatness. For at the shabby gate, I sense them lose their shine. I see them begin to fade and crumble and disappoint.

It’s hard to know for sure, for sure, for sure. But I believe. Something in my heart says there is something much greater. There MUST be. I am made to experience it.

So here I am, my invisible God that hides Himself, I believe it is You.

Take me. Let me come close.

It is Covered

And I have been there. At that moment. That moment of utter fear and even disgust. That moment where everything in me is broken and ugly and has presented itself to me as vile and monstrous. When I am absolutely desperate, beyond description of emotion.
"Take away everything," I cry out, "if only I can be clean, if only I can be close to You, if only I can break away from powers of darkness over me!" Let me fast, though I am terribly self-conscious of being thin, until this evil is wholly disconnected from me. Let me wake up in the middle of the night and pray until morning. Let me disconnect myself from all the things I love.
But then, I hear a voice. It is not my self-deprivation, my self-disgust, my self-suffering that will save myself. No, I cannot save myself at all!
And, I hear shouts and trumpets. Glory marching. "Quiet Emily," an angel shushes me, as I ramble on about ways I can get rid of my sin. And then, there, I look up, the sound thunders, the light gets brighter. And though I tremble, I cannot even think of the terror of me and my monstrous sin in this holy place; no, my self- consciousness is lost as I can think of nothing but the glory approaching.
And then silence.
I feel faint, look white, could fall over at any moment, breaths short, body trembling.
And there... He appears. Like nothing I could ever have imagined.
My breath is taken away completely now. Like a deer, I am caught, paralyzed.
Yet, lest I die of utter fear and awe, this Holy of Holy of Holy stops at me, tilts His head as He smiles softly. He says MY name. Reaches out His hand to take MINE. And, with words of authority and finality, says, "It is covered."
My heart skips a beat, and I gasp in my first breath.
At these words, I dare to focus my eyes on His.
Though questioning how this could be true, I don't doubt. Because His voice cannot lie.
He asks if I will go with Him and I say yes. I cannot take my eyes off of His face.
And there, my moment, of remorse, is forgotten, and I go to live with Him, my Love, for ever and ever and ever.