Desire

My first real job was working as a barista at Starbucks. I wanted that job like no other!  I was 18 and the thought of having a job and making money was appealing. I also really wanted to work THERE. Making drinks, talking to customers and taking orders, drinking my own free unlimited coffee combinations. Just being inside a Starbucks made me happy! I REALLY prayed for that job. And I got it!! Even with some minimal clean-up duties, I still loved working there the whole nine months I was there. And until this day, I don’t know what it is, but I like to work, especially if it’s in close quarters with other people!

I also love to cook. I love fine foods. I’m one of those food connoisseurs that wants to taste every flavor in my food, and I want it all freshly grown, bought and cut. I have my favorite recipes, but I also like to experiment with new combinations. And the best part—to eat what I’ve made!

And if I’m really hungry—two desires met at once! Hunger satisfied and taste enjoyed! I sometimes can’t even understand why other people don’t enjoy eating so much as I do!

I like other things too. I like summer nights when the sun stays up really late. I like oranges and cherries. I like to see people find purpose and do what they love to do. I like stories, especially those that involve undeserved pain, noble sacrifice and beautiful surrender. I like love stories and reconciliation. I like comedians (clean ones! J) and laughing. I like a feeling after working out, getting better after being sick, or eating and laughing with a group of close friends. I like being known and loved for who I am, and I like playing a purpose in someone’s life. I like music. I like seeing growth in my life. I like to visit other countries and new places. I like to learn, I like to create, I like energy . . . wow, I like a lot of things!

I could never be a stoic or a Buddhist or the lukewarm Laodicean church (denying passions, emotions, desires).  I love desire too much. I even idolize desire sometimes (not good!) . . . but I like that feeling of wanting something so much. And I think that desire was given to me for a purpose—to drive me toward something so beautiful, so great, so worthy of wanting. Idolatry aside, I like desire, and I’m glad He gave it to me!

I listened to a radio program recently of theologian R.C. Sproul talking about assurance of salvation. He asked his listeners if we loved Jesus with our whole heart. If not, he asked, did we love him even at all? Was there any affection in our heart for Jesus at all? I knew there was! I loved Him a little. I loved Him sometimes. I was SURE . . . a part of me really loved Him. Sproul said that even that little love must come from the Holy Spirit and was proof that I belonged to Him.

 My heart had some good desires! There was good desire planted in my heart by the Holy Spirit.

I love it that two theologians I respect—R.C. Sproul, and John Piper-- so emphasize the affections of the heart in being a basis for our relationship with God. Understanding His Word must come with a deep DESIRE to love Him, worship Him, serve Him, be with Him, see His name lifted up.  The demons believe but hate Him. Satan is probably a master theologian (I would guess more than any other person on earth!)—he knows a lot about God—but desires to have all worship for himself. But a child of God, one loved by Him, understands the Gospel and LOVES Him!!!!

Even just saying that makes my heart happy . . . because I do. He is sweet. He has given so much. He has let me enter His friendship. He makes my heart jump, and I love Him.

But not all the time. I don’t even know Him as a physical person, I can’t see Him, I’ve never heard an audible voice. He actually even seems boring and sometimes like He isn’t really a person. Often I’d rather call and talk to a friend on the phone than Him. I’d rather get advice from someone I can see than read the Word. I question His reality and I question His heart for me. Does He really love me? Does He really care? Is He really there? Is He listening? And when I question His love, my love starts to teeter. I love Him because He FIRST loved me . . . If I don’t feel loved, my heart starts to look for other lovers. Other desires.

So how do I keep my desire alive? How do I keep my heart whole? How do I not become stoic or lukewarm, but let myself desire Him more and more, even if I don’t feel loved? Is my desire and feeling one and the same? How do I grow my heart for the greatest Person to be desired—my Jesus—when my heart wants other things too? Can I desire many things? What is a good desire, a bad desire, a neutral desire?

Questions . . . not answers.

God, please answer my questioning heart. Teach me about desire. Teach me Your truth. And grow my love for You, Jesus, my sweet, sweet Jesus.