My small group and I recently went to visit some homeless
people living in their cars in a certain parking lot in a poor area of town. As
we made plans, I called a friend of ours to ask if he could play guitar and
sing worship songs during the event. “Emily,” he said with a tone of disbelief,
“I don’t know if you believe in signs from God, but I haven’t played in a while
and I JUST sat down to play right now. I’m in.”
“I TOTALLY believe in signs from God!” I assured him, and
was excited he would be a part of it!
The night that we planned to leave, his strings broke and he
couldn’t play. Was it a sign after all? Was God seeing his willingness, or
providing a way for him to come out with us?
Some other things turned out differently than I thought they
would too. We ended up talking more with the staff that worked in the parking
lot than the homeless people. We did talk with one older homeless woman for
quite a while. We listened both to her beautiful singing and to her testimony.
One thing that caught my attention as she spoke, was that God had “told her” that
bad things had occurred in her life because of something that she did as a
child. That broke my heart.
The character of God that I have come to know more and more
doesn’t act in the way that she described.
This reminded me of my all-too-familiar question: how do I
know when God speaks? I remember reading Oswald Chambers years ago saying that
someone can know the will of God simply by obeying Him in the present moment. I
remember a pastor giving the simple formula: 1) Is there strong desire? 2) Is
it Biblical? 3) Is there an open door?
I’ve stuck to these godly principles from godly men, but I still
struggle with knowing His will.
This past week was Spring Break for me. To God’s glory, I
had one pleasant surprise after another… some of which were extreme discounts
on various activities!!
From a great Groupon with paddleboarding, to a “Ladies
Night” discount with rock climbing, to a free massage because my student
happened to be the receptionist of the place I went to and wanted to treat me,
these small yet awesome gifts made me smile! I actually made a list of all the
discounts and free things from the week!
During one day, while I was riding a bike around the beach
of an island and reflecting on the week, I spotted a $10 bill on the bike path
right in front of me. As I slowly bent down to get it, I hesitated, “God, this
is SO strange.” Was this a sign?
I felt sure that God wanted me to give the $10 away and spent
the next couple days trying to figure out who He wanted me to give it to. Who
was in need? I kept my eye out. I even made a special trip to a nearby park to
specifically look for someone, or wait for God to say, “This is the one.” After
the week I was having, I REALLY wanted to give the $10 back to someone! But
every time I thought it was this person or that, they would take off. I kept
thinking I heard God say, “This is the one,” but it wasn’t. Because they left
before I could get to them.
And that gnawing feeling of, “Am I hearing You? Are you speaking
to me, or is this my own mind making things up?” came back again.
This is an “old feeling” because I’ve wrestled with this
concept for the past year and a half. I’ve been praying about going back
overseas. It’s so strange to me because I have such a strong desire to go and
such a strong desire to stay. I’ve made pros and cons lists, I’ve looked up
opportunities. I’ve wondered about my motives. I’ve asked if I’m seeking
adventure or not wanting to be content with the familiar and stable. I’ve asked
if I’m afraid of uprooting, giving up a good job, leaving a community I’m so
close to. I’ve deliberated for months and months and almost physically feel the
yearning in my heart to know His will.
I’m specifically interested in going to a country that is fairly
dangerous and even at war periodically. I started praying even more strongly
about this country during Christmas, and thought that I would take my break in
South America to really seek God about it. The day that I was leaning toward
going, I encountered unsuspected danger on a trip to a beach. My brother and I
were accosted by men with knives. Thank God, we got away unharmed. But the
horror stayed with me for weeks. I had nightmares. I jumped at little things,
loud things. How could I go to a country at war, when all I wanted was to be in
the safety of America? Now, THAT was a sign.
Or was it? Was it a sign that danger can happen wherever I
am? Or a sign that God can protect me no matter the danger?
As a teenager I used to play “lay the fleece out” with God.
I figuratively imitated the Bible story of Gideon seeking to know God’s will.
Gideon asked God to make a piece of cloth wet while the ground around it was
dry. He desperately wanted confirmation of God’s word with a sign. I don’t do
this anymore, but I think at the time, God may have honored my desire to seek
Him and trust Him, and I believe often spoke to me.
However, as I’ve grown in the Word and in my relationship
with Him, I’ve noticed a change in the way we relate. Certainly, I wouldn’t go
back to the way it was. I know Him and His heart so much more now, and feel so
much closer to Him. But things are more complicated.
I find myself asking if I’m hearing Him, or being deceived
by my own flesh, or even by a demonic source. I am much more rooted in the Word
than I’ve ever been, and aim to base my actions and even very thoughts on the
Word.
But there wasn’t an answer in the Word about what to do with
the $10!!
Today was my last try. I went to Sprout’s for my weekly
grocery shopping with $20 to give this time, determined to find someone who
needed money.
There’s a word in Thai, Graing Jai, which doesn’t have an
English translation, because we really don’t have its concept in American
culture. The word expresses a strong uncomfortable feeling of the heart that
happens when someone feels indebted to someone. If someone gives a gift, or
pays for something, we would often say “I feel Graing Jai.” I feel obligated to
you, vulnerable and even uncomfortable that you treated me, when I can’t give
you anything back.
That was the feeling I felt with the $10. I felt Graing Jai
toward God. And in response, I coolly didn’t want to accept it.
As I did my shopping, I (surely awkwardly!!) observed people
all around me. I smiled, started conversations here and there, to see what
would come of it.
But something happened that I didn’t expect. My mind started
wondering about all the people around me. They were ordinary people, but what
were their backgrounds? Not to be depressing, or morbid, but I wondered who was
hurting and in what ways. Who had physical illnesses? Who didn’t have family to spend Easter with
tomorrow? Who suffered from abuses or neglect as a child? Who felt so lonely?
Who struggled with insecurity, depression, anorexia, getting or keeping a job?
Who wanted to take their own life? Who was asking, “Why?” about everything in
their life and couldn’t find answers?
Suddenly, the store that I frequented went from the place I
needed to find my groceries in the shortest amount of time and get in the
shortest line to get out the door from, to a place brimming with life. From a
sea of faces, to the lives of real backgrounds, real people.
I wondered how cool it would be to see as God does . . . to
see a person WAY BEYOND what I see on the outside!
And my heart filled with love.
I felt God immediately give me the following verse.
“And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I
surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing” (1
Cor. 13:3).
Whether I give $10 away, or gladly receive it from my God
who is a great Giver, and whether I go to a country where I may even be
martyred, or stay in the hardship of routine and consistency . . . these, are
not my greatest questions to deliberate on.
His Word is sure—I am called to LOVE. To LOVE!!
To receive His love, to abide in His love, to give His love.
I'm not sure of what that looks like completely, but I do have some ideas. I've certainly experienced a lot of love from Him!
Well, for now, Lord, I know Your will is for me to love!! Continue to
lead me and teach me Holy Spirit in what that looks like. To GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
