Forgiveness

This morning I journaled of empty and distant feelings.

Tonight, as I lay on my bed in the dark, a tear rolled down. And then a sweet voice entered my mind and spoke words of comfort.

I had just read a chapter in Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace entitled, “Why Forgive?” He talked about the famous novel, and now movie, Les Miserables. What’s so incredible about this story is the irrationality, and power, of forgiveness.

Forgive someone who has done you wrong? Taken from you? Lied to you? Cheated on and betrayed you? Alienated you? Act the opposite of what all feeling and justice would demand I act?

Forgive someone who had immense power and influence over you and abused that power?

Years that I’ve blocked out. Years that I say I’ve forgiven . . . but rarely go there.

“Bring a childhood picture to group next week!” . . . childhood? I don’t remember that.

But those sweet words of comfort came to me . . . it held me with sweet strength. Go there, it whispered. I will walk you through it.

And I am faced with the truth: bitterness.

Oh, bitterness you are ugly. Where can I find freedom from you? It has deep roots . . . can you pull them up, my master surgeon?

It is not that I feel nothing . . . it is that I have built a safe enclosed in a warehouse around a heart so desperately afraid to feel such pain.

And I crack, I break. Break it all away. Let me go there. Let me feel it. Let me long for people, even if it hurts me.

Let me feel such tenderness, unrequited desire, pain, sweetness, brokenness, healing, and freedom.

Forgiveness. . .  though it feel uncomfortable and strange and unnatural and unfair.

And yet the tear comes, and even breaks into sobs, because I do feel it. I desire the one I struggle to forgive. I desire people. And I can’t fight that.

I sit far away. I set my face as if I don’t care.

But I do care. I care so much. I care so much that I’m afraid I’ll be hurt again . . . and yet my desire for the relationship conquers yet again, and I come close.

I come close. I forgive, accept, love. We are on the same side. Dare I think I am on another?

I am reminded that without forgiveness I am but holding up an illusion that I am something other than I am.

So, I seek freedom and truth, to feel, and a heart that pumps warm blood. I seek people, and I seek God.

Teach me to forgive.

Surrender

Oftentimes, I find that the Christian life is more of surrender, than strength.

If I let go of control and self-preoccupation to let you take care of me, protect, provide, love me, will you? Will you love me as much as I need to be loved?

And can I believe it? That you know even more than I the things that will care for me . . . and above that, that you DESIRE to care for me?

I believe it.

You are God, and letting go frees me up to love you, and to give you all the glory. You will take care of me and love me. And you do. And you will take care of your glory too. I can let go.

Here, I let go a little. Help me to let go all the way.

Sweet surrender.

Luke 12:22-33
". . . If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? . . . . your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you."

What Are The Chances??

Last week, I had the moment of a lifetime. One thing I wanted more than just about anything for my birthday was to go to a Josh Groban concert. I love his music. He has an amazing voice, and I heard he puts on a great show. My uncle wanted to spoil me a bit and bought us great seats at a concert up in LA. There was a small stage right behind our floor seating that had a piano, and Josh would make his way back and forth between the small and the big stage. He performed amazingly, tens of thousands in the stadium cheered, body guards followed him wherever he went. Then the unimaginable happened. As he walked past me to the smaller stage, I stood up amidst the chaos of bodyguards and others around me and called out “Hi Josh” to him. He stopped, smiled, and asked if I wanted to go on stage. I did! I held my breath for the rest of the night . . .  and the next two days. It was so much fun, but kind of . . . incredible.

A few days later, I was at a retreat at the beach with the young adult ministry team from my church. From morning through afternoon, we had quiet time and meetings, lunch and fellowship, sharing and brainstorming, volleyball and jetskis. It was encouraging and fun! Then again . . . the unimaginable. One hour left of our jetski rental and the end of our retreat. Who wanted to go out for one last ride?  I did! I hopped on the back of my friend driving, and another friend got on a second jet. We waded through the 5 MPH zone and then took off fast once we reached open waters! It was exhilarating! But so sadly and unsuspectingly, fun turned to shock as the skis headed toward each other with no time to turn. We collided and were thrown off. The angle that our ski hit the other was just low enough to miss our friend’s leg. A thousand other scenarios could have happened. But everyone was okay (though there was considerable . . . and expensive . . . damage to the boat). These were no bumper boats . . . and I’ve been reminded by many since of how “lucky” we were.

From both scenarios, I’ve asked God “What are the chances?” One in a thousand, one in ten thousand? After the jetski accident, in fear, I continually asked my mom “What could have happened? What could I have done to prevent this?” I should have known. I lamented being so foolish. But a friend spoke truth to me: “It was an accident. You couldn’t have known.” My mom reminded me of something she recently heard from Beth Moore: “NOTHING is outside of God’s control.”

I can’t live my life “knowing.” I don’t always have control. I can live without risk and only take steps towards things I am sure about . . .  but then I will miss out. If I hadn’t stood up to call out to Josh Groban, I don’t think he would have taken me up on stage and sang to me (ahhhhh . . . still can’t get over it!!). If I hadn’t gotten on the jetski, I wouldn’t have fallen off. But then, I wouldn’t have had this reminder too: God IS in control.

I couldn't control something TO happen. And I can't control something NOT TO happen. Dozens of girls called out to me "you're so lucky" as I left the concert. How they would have liked to have controlled a similar experience TO happen. How I would love to control many things in my life TO happen, or to have NOT.

As I drove to the grocery store today, I thought of the chances of getting in an accident. We all take that chance every day. My sister was hit by a drunk driver a couple years ago and put in a coma for 3 days, so this hits close to home for me, but does that mean I won’t drive anymore? That I won’t live life?

It's ironic, but actually knowing and trusting that God is control, makes me more active, rather than passive. It makes me step out more, rather than take a "hands off" approach to life. Certainly, I am responsible for MY actions, and I want to feel peace and Spirit-led before making decisions, or acting on them. But sometimes, stepping out involves risk . . . and just not knowing, NOT BEING SURE!

I think God made men to naturally be a bit more of risk-takers, and women to be a little more cautious . . . perhaps to balance each other out. Too much risk may result in a lot of loss, and too much caution would prevent anything from happening!

But even as a woman, I feel a call to step out more in courage and trust. God IS in control. Sometimes I won’t know until I try. And sometimes, there will be a loss. But sometimes, there will be greatness. And how do I know that balance? I don’t know.

But I want to step out.

Courage, I say. And trust.

God IS in control.

Get Wisdom!

“Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you” ~ Proverbs 4:5-6

This beautiful, talented, smart, creative little girl was her daddy's whole world. At fifteen, she discovered herself being promised the world, told she would be loved forever, her beauty delighted in by an older guy. Everything felt so right, and she gave in. I found out before her dad did that she was pregnant. An eternal precious life created! But I still couldn't help but feel such sadness for how much she was giving up, for the utter loss and failure her father would feel when his baby girl tells the news, for the child whom I hope never finds out his life was not rejoiced in the moment it was discovered. How was this girl supposed to know?  What will she feel toward men the rest of her life? Will this 18 year old boy stand up to be a father . . . and have his heart broken too, by a daughter?

A close guy friend of mine saved himself for so long. He loved God. He believed God. He waited for Him. Then beauty caught not only his eye, but also his heart. The way she looked at him, talked to him, adored him. He never felt so much like a man. He told me he believed they would be married within 6 months. She was the one. He was sure. He worked so hard. He wanted to provide for her. He wanted kids. He said that he had never met a girl so beautiful, so smart, and yet liked him so much. He was entranced, ecstatic. No thing he did for her was too much. He gave everything. And yes, she did “make a man” out of him. And then left. He didn’t know what went wrong. He hasn’t dated since. His heart just can’t quite believe in women anymore. How was he to know?

My sister was hit in an intersection three years ago, her car crushed, and her mind immediately sent into a comma for three days. The accident and after-math was traumatic for her to say the least. But sometimes I think back to the guy who hit her. He was a 22-year-old in the military, going 30 miles over the speed limit, very intoxicated, driving three other people in his car, and ran a red light. He tried to stagger away at the accident. He was sent to the barracks, was dishonorably discharged from the military, sent to collenctions, will have his wages garnished for the rest of his life, and his resume ruined. His life will never be the same because of one night.

The world can often promise something that doesn’t quite deliver what we believed it would.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” ~ Proverbs 4:23.

My heart is an amazing thing. It is the thing I love God with the most. It is the thing that has layers that haven’t quite been brought to light and can deceive others and even myself. It is the thing that desires and hopes and fears and sins and dreams and loves and wants. It is complicated and it is hard to know.

Even today, it was the weirdest thought. Why must I FIGHT against the things I WANT? Why do I WANT to be jealous, and be the best, and be adored and promoted and have my lusts fulfilled? Why do I even want those things? Why does my life have to be a FIGHT? What is going on in my heart?

In James this morning, I read: “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. Do not be deceived my beloved brethren” ~ James 1:13-16.

This tells me that sin starts with a DESIRE.

And yet not all desire is bad. I DESIRE the Lord. God promises to fulfill the DESIRE of the righteous. God puts DESIRES in my heart for me to know what it is He created me to do!

So, how do I know the difference?

I believe it is WISDOM!

There is a reason the author of Proverbs tells us to give up everything we have, sell gold and silver, pursue with all of our might, WISDOM.

Wisdom gives us insight into our hearts. It helps us to discern what is right, what is of the Spirit.

Earthly Wisdom

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there” ~James 3:13-16.

Godly Wisdom

“But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy” ~ James 3:17.

Only a man or woman (and the Spirit of God) knows their own heart. I can never know someone else’s motives, thoughts, true feelings. I believe what they say, if they seem consistent, if they show by ACTIONS. But I cannot know their heart.

But we can know our own heart. We can ask for wisdom into our heart. In fact, I believe that God WANTS us to KNOW it. He wants us to search our hearts. HE wants to search it and show us our desires and fears and anxieties and motives. He wants to bring it to light. He wants us to process and think and pray about them. To identify TRUTH and LIES.

He wants it because HE LOVES US.

I just sat through a sermon by Josh McDowell on Love. He defined Love as to Protect and Provide. God’s greatest desire, he said, is to protect and provide for us. He is often protecting us against the things that are lying to us. The uncomfortable things He shows us, the sin, the dirt, the lies we believe are hard to see, but so necessary because the TRUTH sets us free. And it’s reality.

The little girl believes the 18-year-old could give her everything because she hopes it’s true. The guy friend believes that this doting girl will fulfill his life. The battered woman goes back to the wife-beater believing that he’s sorry. The teenage girl goes back to the friends that use her and gossip behind her back. The forty year old man believes his young, exotic mail-order bride loves him for who he is. Parents believe their teen who swears she did not sneak in late at night (although they heard it) because they are desperately afraid their daughter will leave altogether and that they don’t know how to parent. A man believes his broke friend will eventually pay him back and stop using him for his money.

For whatever reason, we believe the things we want to—although reality tells us otherwise. Wisdom tells us otherwise. We feel needed, we feel loved, we feel valued.

But perhaps a deeper look into our heart will reveal that we are believing lies. Lies we’ve created because the truth about ourselves, and reality, hurts too much.

But in wisdom, the truth does set us FREE. In wisdom, there is true HOPE. I hope in REALITY. And my hope will not fail me.

Certainly, there is grace for all the times I’ve been foolish. Nothing is lost when found by God. My sin cannot out-do his forgiveness. There is a new start for every mistake. For every lost opportunity. For every loss. There is letting go of the past, and abundant mercy!!!

But let me pursue WISDOM. Let me give up foolish things and desire to know my heart. Let me ask God to search it, though it be uncomfortable.

Know my heart God. Search it. And let me pursue wisdom!

When Broken

And a hundred other lovers call my name. And it sounds attractive. But so much wasted time. Wasted affection of the heart. Wasted thought. And even shame because of the storm I create. And yet, I come. And one thing remains: to sit at your feet and soak in the presence of the great lover, and ask with all affection, “With what YOU have given ME, what shall I do?” No other’s task is mine. And no lover that you haven’t given me shall take my time. And no cause than that of the cross will I stand up for. And to keep my heart for you, to keep my surrender to you. And to You alone. Break the chains and break the lies. Rescue me. I need you.

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I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

~”Jealous Kind” by Jars of Clay

And break me wherever your love sees fit to find me. Carry me where I cannot walk. Or let me walk where you know I need to be strengthened. I cannot do this alone. And I find no satisfaction in anything other than you. And I am lifted up on wings of Eagles as I soar above the mess. And I feel the wind through my hair. There is a rising up. There is a greater thing. My heart skips a beat in anticipation of a hope I dare to hope again. And I need you. Only you. ~ The heart cry of the Needy