I woke up at 6: am this morning with such a strong sense from the Lord: “I will protect you.” From what? I didn’t feel especially attacked or necessarily a need to be protected. But I did feel extreme anxiety and asked the Lord to calm my heart and let me get a little more sleep that morning.
I don’t usually take naps, but overcome with tiredness I did today, and again woke up with such an attack of anxiety. It was a peaceful day, fans on a low buzz because of the warm weather and my room sweetly dark, nothing to worry about. Why was I anxious?
“Be still and know that I am God.”
I would like to think that it’s a high I.Q. that makes my mind so complicated and filled with racing thoughts, and a high E.Q. that makes me so intuitive and sensitive to myself and social dynamics!! Hehe! J Of course I do have reason and emotional intuition, but sometimes my mind and emotions may overact at an unhealthy speed because of anxiety. During these times I feel my heart worried, and struggling to be still, at rest.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
A sweet roommate of mine had seen me through the fun and exciting, but we were also close enough where she saw me through a dark period in my life. There was one time where I actually over-analyzed a situation to the point of tears. I knew some of the things that had been passed down to me from “generational cycles,” I was aware of statistics and my own track record to follow these same patterns, and I desperately wanted to just be healed. My mind was almost going crazy trying to figure things out that it wasn’t meant to, or able to at that time. Things I had no way of knowing, things I had to “let be” but couldn’t stand to lose control of. My words jumbled out from a heart deeply anxious, confused . . . and even a little bit hopeless.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
My dear roommate (who I actually shared a room with!) saw me in and through some of this pain and was such a friend. Although I received excellent reviews and evaluations at work and was the type of teacher I would hire if I were the principle, I still struggled with strong anxiety over my job. I would get sudden panic attacks, out of nowhere, that I would lose my job . . . and if I lost my job no one would hire me again . . . and the thoughts spiraled down from there. I remember my roommate telling me to lie down and she played some soft music in the background for me and prayed for me. What an amazing friend!!! But it was another situation of anxiety that I will never forget her words. In the midst of another string of almost despairing “what if’s”, her eyes filled with such compassion and a hint of sadness: “Emily, your mind can be a strength for you, but it can also be your great weakness.” Her words of truth hit me like a wall. I saw it (for sure, truth from a friend is worth ten times that amount of comfort!). I was giving in to an attack on my heart to despair and be anxious.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Today, someone was telling me the story of a 19-year-old boy in my church who overdosed on Morphine and died last year. I didn’t know him at all but for some reason started crying. I thought of this young kid who felt in pain and just wanted a little bit more, a little bit more, to relieve that pain he felt. And one time, it was a little too much . . . and took his precious life. I immediately thought of my 17-year-old brother whom I love so much. I’ve seen him in pain. I’ve seen friends in pain. I’ve been in pain. And that pain often leads to addictions. Just something to help relieve that pain. Big addictions, and sometimes tiny ones. But something that won’t stop. Something crying out from an anxious heart—“I need more, and more, and I can’t find what it is!” I want to be dependent on a substance, an activity, a person, a feeling, to relieve this pain, this anxiety. Sometimes something so innocent: food, friends, Facebook, traveling. What was the next big high, the next big adventure? But sometimes destructive or debilitating. If not taking away our physical life, it certainly takes the "living" out of our life.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
I think back to this morning. What is it that God is protecting me from? There are constant attacks to my heart. I am seeing that I am in a constant warzone—Satan wants my heart. He wants me to ask “what if?” He wants me to not be quite at rest, satisfied, where I am. He wants me to struggle and be anxious for something I can’t even see or know. Satan wants this, not because he cares about me, but because he wants to downplay God. Who God is. His goodness, His provision, His care, His ability to satisfy me.
And those times that I want more and more, and I struggle to wonder if He’s going to provide tomorrow when He’s already provided today, let me rest. Let my heart say: His goodness TODAY is enough! I don’t need to know, I don’t need to wonder, if there’s more, if it will continue tomorrow. Let me be still. Let me know that HE IS GOD. And all of who He is. He is love and He is provider. My growth and healing and purpose and life will all unfold in His time. Let me rest.
Let me be still and know Him.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Thank you for protecting me God . . . from those attacks to my heart. Let me just be so still today, so at peace, so enjoying Your presence. Thank You Jesus . . . that You are enough.
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