Contentment

I stared at the blank index card in front of me. Hmmm . . . what should I write down? What things do I want to learn to be content in?

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. I was going to write down something that I wanted and didn’t have—and rather than ask God to give me this thing, I was going to ask Him to teach me to be okay with not having it. Yeah, this was not going to be easy.

We had just started up a new session in my girls’ small group, with a new study—Cultivating Contentment. The assignment was to write down (just to keep to ourselves) a few things that we felt discontent about, and would like to see God teach us to be content in. Just weeks before, I had asked the girls to make a list of what He has been teaching them. I took the lists, prayed over them, and noticed a theme among each girl’s items—a desire for contentment. Okay God, well, that’s easy. Contentment it is.  That’s what our group needs.

I knew God had called our group to this study, but I had no idea that this concept was going to be life changing for me.

Content to Be Who I Am

                I tend to be a type A, always- productive, and perfectionistic personality. This is a disaster combo of a personality for someone learning to be content in themself . . . hehe! On the positive side, I’m often trying to grow and get to improve myself in various areas. On the negative side, I often see what I am not, even focus on it, and become easily discouraged.

                A book I’ve pulled alongside as a supplement to our study is Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. She shares the following quote by a man C.S. Lewis called his mentor:

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking. (George MacDonald)

                Wow, to be content in who I am is actually acknowledging that I was specially made, and in a way that God delighted in when He thought of how to create me. I think of Psalm 139:14—“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

My physical appearance, personality, gifts and aptitudes are all an extremely unique combination of exactly the person God wanted when He thought of how to create me. How special! How absolutely endearing!! To think of what was happening in His mind as He began to plan out how to create me! And I want a girl, He said, a small girl with dark hair and eyes, a thoughtful girl, slight melancholic disposition, excited to be in the sun and at the beach, thrilled with language, and music, and the human mind and behavior. And this little girl, I will sing over morning to night. I will delight in her. And I will absolutely enjoy the very unique way I’ve created her. Yeah, that thought overwhelms me.

                Not only did He create my person, but He also created a specific purpose for me. Many things fascinate me, but I’m only called to a few. Yeah, I would like to do everything, but I have limited time, and am only good at some! So, I'm learning to be content in the specific purpose He has called me to, cutting out anything that isn’t directly in my calling, and enjoying seeing and working with the purposes of others around me.

Content With My Past

                This is a hard one. Everything that I grew up with, any hurt done to me, any unfair act, any disadvantage—in that I am to give thanks. I am to acknowledge sovereignty. I am to believe that He works all things together for the good of those who love God. I love You God, but I don’t always love my past. But no, there is nothing lost that He cannot redeem. And I reconcile with my past. What was, was. What continues to hold me, holds me. I cannot quicken my healing faster than He will take me through it. And so I rest. I simply am who I am . . . a mixture of strengths and weaknesses, idiosyncrasies and needs. And my past simply becomes a circumstance as I realize not what I have, literally, or on  my experience resume, makes me anything, but rather who I am becoming as I cling tighter and tighter to Him.

Content With What I Have

Get these two pictures of my experience in Thailand:

One

                My last year in Thailand, I lived at a school, in the dorms, where I taught English to sweet Thai students during the week. I was treated as a super star. The local newspaper came to take my picture as I greeted students at the front school gate. I was given a much higher salary than the other teachers, given gifts from students often and invited to the homes of many of the families. One teacher graciously offered to teach me Thai for free. I met with her daily to go over my Thai workbook, and she often gave me gifts as I improved. I communicated well in Thai and was accepted with warm Thai hospitality. On the weekends, I went to live with a Thai pastor and his family where I was given the best room in the house. Saturdays, we would go shopping in local markets to buy things that were super-cheap. We lived near an absolutely breath-taking mountain where I would ride a motorcycle past streets of tropical plants into town to go tutor at the homes of some of my students. I played piano for our church service on Sunday, and then taught the Bible in English to a small Sunday School of children. After the service, all of us women from the congregation would cook together, laughing in the kitchen, while the men played with the children, then we would all sit down to our Sunday lunch. Sometimes we would take a trip to nearby waterfalls and play and picnic. Sunday afternoons were for naps, and then I would often join the family to go walking around a lake nearby their house in the evening, before they took me back to the school dorms. I felt so taken care of by them, and very connected, and loved being so closely tied in to the Thai language and culture.

Two

                Well, I lived at the school, but I wouldn’t really call it dorms. It was more of a room, with open windows and a door that didn’t lock. There was a small area outside, the bathroom, that had a hole in the ground, and a faucet with a bucket where I would take my cold “showers” every morning at 5:AM. My bed was a piece of board that I tried to layer with some blankets on for softness. There was some electricity that produced a dim nightlight when it got dark, but not enough to read by. My days lasted from greeting students at 6:30am at the gate to teaching classes through 5:30pm. I was the only English teacher, the only white person in town, and so my abilities were needed and I was asked to teach every class at this 1500-student school. Each class consisted of at least 50 students, each of whom did not speak one word in English. My first time to ask them to open their notebooks in Thai, I was met with a roar of laughter. My tone was off and I later found out I had said a bad word. I was encouraged to use a ruler on the hands of students in grade 5 and under, and cried the first time I did. The teacher who taught me Thai, I found out to be a lesbian who was obsessed with me. She stalked me when I went to the markets alone and I was scared to death of her. Her lover, the school’s administrative assistant and extremely jealous, assigned me even extra classes to take away all of my time from learning Thai. My time at the Thai pastor’s house was a relief, but also tiring, as I taught in the villages on Saturday with them, and didn’t really get a break on Sundays. My phone was stolen and I was blamed for being careless with it, and given a phone purse to keep my new phone close to me. A Laos male teacher spread rumors of my behavior with him, and I was approached by many female teachers at the school for being loose. This city was extremely steeped in Spiritism, and it fell heavy every time a holiday came around. I would often sense a spiritual darkness before I even knew the holiday was coming. I got to get on the internet once every two weeks for a few minutes to write an update email. I prayed often, but I felt so alone.

One experience, two pictures. Same circumstances. Different perspectives. No doubt, this was one of the most difficult times in my life. Yet, it was also one of the most growing. I was able to witness daily. The teachers didn’t know or care what I taught in English, so I taught the Bible. Even in my tiredness, I felt strength. I depended on God, and found Him to meet me in multiple supernatural ways. I was forced to speak Thai, and so learned it so quickly, and really understood Thai culture as if I had grown up with it. I also learned how important it was for me to have Christian support around me, and knew if I were to come on the mission field again, I would join a team of solid praying Christians. I knew it was time to leave at the end of the year, but I also knew that  I had been able to be a part of work that would not burn, but was rather eternal. I could not be more thankful for my time in that city.

Coming back to the States, I struggled with reverse-culture shock (common) . . . not understanding how people could enjoy so much, so carelessly, when others around the world had so little. But I learned that just as hard circumstances don’t matter, neither do easy. They are not the point. Paul says that he’s learned to be content in plenty and in need. Contentment is a mindset, not an amount of anything I could have or become, whether a little or a lot. It is an idea of being completely joyful in my God and what He’s given me in life, regardless of what it is.

Hmmm . . . so, I’m still on the journey of contentment. But I’m excited to see where it takes me. Thank You Jesus. Bring me Lord Jesus to a mindset of Christ, whatever that may be.