Perfect

Tonight I got to chat with some close friends of mine after they put their baby to bed. Somewhere in the conversation of catching up, laughing, and relating where God has us and where we see Him taking us in the future, I started to admit to anxiety I sometimes get and fears of inadequacy. There seems to always be another step in education or the workplace or in relationships or in growing my own character, mind, and abilities, and I never am quite where I want to be. And, I never am quite enough wherever I am.

My guy friend, who just finished seminary and is currently working with the youth in his church, encouraged me with the story of Joseph. He said, Emily, Pharaoh did not look at Joseph’s unimpressive resume of 13 years in slavery and prison; he didn’t look at his horrendous family dysfunction in his past or his low social position as a Hebrew. No, Pharaoh looked for one thing to qualify Joseph to become second-in-command of all of Egypt—a man who was Spirit-filled.  Emily, he said, even the secular world recognizes those who follow God. And, you can be in no better place than surrendering everything to be led by the Spirit.

Wow.

I remember an affirming conversation I had with the dean of my department a couple months ago. “Emily, you have this position as long as you want it,” he told me with sincerity and a smile. However, I walked away from the conversation with a sinking feeling in my stomach. “Or as long as he still believes I’m everything he thinks I am,” I told myself.  Despite positive evaluations by the students, a peer teacher, and the dean who observed me in class, a good resume, interview and performance in front of coworkers, I still let self-defeating thoughts bring me down. What if I’m just not enough? What if I’m found to be lacking and he wishes he hadn’t hired me?

Other examples come to mind of times I’ve let fear of not being enough convince me that I am inadequate for what God has called me to do. Many of these are deeply rooted in beliefs I’ve held since being a young child, and they are not easy to get rid of.

I struggle with fear . . . and perfectionism. I sometimes let lies play repeatedly: You’re only in this position or relationship because you deceived someone into believing you’re capable of it. That mistake right there is PROOF you are a fraud. You and what you do will never be good enough to be worth something.

It is certainly not fun to have these thoughts running through my mind! And really, they debilitate and paralyze me from moving forward and doing well in what God HAS called me to do.

And it’s okay for me to go through these dry or dark times, and just be open about them. If I’m not real in the dark times, I’m not real at all. But I also hope to move forward from the dark times. I hope to allow myself to completely surrender to His Spirit.

Often, this means letting go of worrying about what people think about me, my reputation. Being open, being real. Also, this means getting nice and comfy with the uncomfortable—being misunderstood, judged, or my failures and weaknesses exposed—and being okay with it. And sometimes, it even means completing something 90% and letting that be good enough rather than always waiting for the 100% just around the corner but never reached. Realizing that something that is not my ideal of perfection may still be good.

Yah, this is just another thing to learn . . . but I’m going to put that anti-perfectionism to work right here . . . it’s okay. Not perfect in this area, and that’s okay. The Spirit IS leading me, and will teach what He needs to teach when He knows is best.

Sooooo . . . again, I rest.

Jesus, can You teach me what it means to let go of striving, rest in the plans You have, pursue Your call in my life only under the Spirit’s leading, and to trust You to do the work. And more than this, teach me what it means to understand and love Your work, Your great, perfect¸ work of salvation and love poured out at the cross. I love You, my Jesus.