One year while I was in Thailand, all of us teachers were playing soccer and I was designated “goal keeper.” The ball made its way down the field toward me, and someone kicked it hard right at me. Suddenly, everything went into slow-motion. I ducked. Then this guy, that I had never met, jumped up over me, kicked the ball away from my head and away from the goal, and then with some other super-hero moves slid down by my side to see if I was okay. I just smiled. He raced off to go help our team get a goal down on the other side of the field. Wow! It wasn’t quite a “like”—more like an “impressed.” But it certainly opened the door for “like.” And though he wasn’t a Christian, and I had waited my whole life for a good Christian guy, I decided to go on a date with him . . . my mind got foggy and my heart compromised. I’m glad that nothing happened and I headed back to the States within a couple of weeks. But I always wondered . . . how did I get to that place in my life? What do I look for when choosing to date? Is dating trial and error? Is there some game-plan and intention that goes into it?
I still don’t know these answers, but as I am in this season in my life, I (and many around me!) are certainly asking the questions!
A single, Christian guy friend of mine, we’ll call Robert Chism, agreed to co-blog with me on this topic, and his thoughts, from a guy’s perspective, are dispersed throughout! Thanks RC!!
Why Get into a Relationship?
What Guys Want
Robert Chism: Men look for a relationship because we have an innate, God-given desire to procreate. A lot of things in life revolve around the concept that men need to pursue women until consummation. If we didn’t have this, we would probably be too lazy to ever pursue a woman. This should not merely be construed as "men want sex," but of course we do, in abundance. Men want to be accepted. That is what is really at the heart of this desire. Since sex is the most intimate form of acceptance a man can get from a woman, we want it, very badly. Aside from physical consummation the other important way to fulfill the acceptance need of men is through affirmation. Let us know we are accepted by you and that we are doing a good job. You will have plenty of chances to tell us what we are doing wrong, so don’t forget to tell us what we are doing right!
(LOVE it!)
What do Girls Want?
In his last days, psychologist Sigmund Freud was asked if any one question of human behavior still puzzled him. His only answer was quick: “What IS it that women really want?” I hear this question asked often in both secular and Christian circles. Author Emerson Eggerichs touched on this in his book Love and Respect—women want sincere love.
Although an evil Jezebel is easy to come by, I don’t think all girls are intentionally confusing, but rather can easily spot insincerity or masquerading agendas. And although over-suspicion can be harmful to a relationship, part of me thinks that a healthy amount of caution is good! It certainly helps prevent against our unfortunate and increasing epidemic of children with a less-than-involved father. And, oh, how much we need our fathers. Really, really, need them!
To be honest, within the top three or four things that I look for in a man is how well he may be a father to our children if we were to have them. And no, he most likely doesn’t have this experience on his repertoire, but I believe that character can help clue me in! Honesty, faithfulness, responsibility, consistency, self-control, and a loving and forgiving heart are great traits to look for in a life-long friend, husband, and father of my children!
Robert Chism: Hollywood’s (the world’s) view on love, and God’s are both very different. In fact, they are quite the opposite of one another. The world says you should feel like you love someone and expect them to fulfill every want and desire you have. If you enter a relationship with these types of expectations you are doomed for failure. What the world calls love the Bible calls Lust. Make sure your desires and feelings are rooted in Biblical truth and reflect God's definition of love (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Not only will this make you be a better friend, but it will help you practice how you should be feeling towards your future spouse.
I also look for someone I can trust as a spiritual leader. Though submission is sometimes a negative word in our culture, the idea of relaxing and resting in the leadership of a husband I love and trust actually comforts me! It sounds nice to let go and trust that he will lead our family in God’s ways! I certainly desire to be strong in my role as partners in ministry, friends, and lovers, but I also greatly DESIRE to be led with courage and gentleness.
Eggerichs affirms that it’s so cool that God wanted us to know this when He spoke through Paul: men love your wives, women respect your husbands. Ah, it’s what we so need, so desire. A man getting his full of respect, a woman her full of love, each freely acting in their own gender with radiance and intention as God created sexuality. How we were created to function as beautiful lovers before a world who cannot understand intimacy, yet so desperately wants to!
Fear
I have it. What if I get into a relationship merely out of lust? What if I am deceived by a flatterer? What if I am not enough? What if I give my heart and he leaves, or hurts it? Getting into a relationship is certainly frightening! But for me, these cautions are good! And my personal answer to them is COURAGE, INPUT, and TIME. Courage in believing that I have something to offer and something to receive, and hope that marriage is a good thing, created by God for our blessing. Courage is stepping out without too many expectations. My mentor often tells me that one date doesn’t guarantee a second, and dating doesn’t mean marriage. Navigating a relationship is a process, and is taken in steps.
Robert Chism: A man’s biggest fear when entering into a relationship is whether or not they will be accepted. Fear of rejection. We are the pursuers (or supposed to be) and our biggest fear is that the person we choose to pursue does not wish to be pursued by us. The only way to move past this is to express a degree of interest in a romantic pursuit and assess the girl’s reaction, something some of us are terrible at doing. My biggest fear is that I will fall short. I will make mistakes and God forbid hurt the woman I love the most.
Input from friends, counselors, advisors, and MANY people who know both of us, is one of the greatest tools against self-deception but also helps with accountability and wisdom. And TIME. Time tells many things. Time often lets charm or superficiality run its course, and reveals character and relational abilities, the things that will last a LOT longer than charm will!
Robert Chism: Guarding one's heart should always be put into practice. This looks like managing your emotions, desires and feelings towards a person. Oftentimes, when one doesn’t guard their heart they let their emotions get the best of them, paving the way for lust and self seeking desires to take over. This is where people get hurt, when their selfish expectation is not fulfilled by another. You can courageously do dating when you know the other person has only your best interests in mind, otherwise you should be weary.
The Process
In the dating process, it gets foggy in how to guard my heart . . . and purity. As recently re-entering the dating world, one thing I want to be committed to is being intentional about, rather than “falling into,” physical intimacy. Although Hollywood may contradict this, I think that commitment and intention and purposeful communication, rather than a created atmospheric mood (though those are nice!), can really help “flame” a couple’s love and romance!
Robert Chism: The thing is that if you follow God’s plan, you get something even better than the Hollywood romance. If you approach the relationship with an earnest desire to serve and love that person with all of yourself and they do likewise, I guarantee you God will give you a glimpse of what heaven is like. Love your woman as Christ loved the church, second only to your love for Jesus Christ. Find a woman who is going to love you like she loves Jesus Christ and only second to Him. There is nothing more romantic than that!
I certainly have heard a lot of “romantic” words, but if I don’t know a guy is pursuing me with intentionality and mindedness toward a life-long commitment to marriage, it’s hard for me to trust, or to arouse feelings.
Robert Chism: Dating can be as casual and as serious as you want it to be. For me at this stage of the game dating is deathly serious . . . I wish only to date my wife. There was a time when I would have dated someone just to have fun. If you want a husband or wife, date only those who you see fit to marry. The goals and intentions of dating should be clearly defined first, not after.
And of course this takes time! How hard it is for guys too! Another guy friend of mine told me recently that guys can easily or quickly “like” a girl, but then want to get to know her to make sure. I think girls tend to be a little slower in learning to like someone (and I tend to be on the even slower spectrum among girls!) . . . but both genders take time. Time, with intentional and clear communication and gradual revealing of self, certainly seems to be a key element in the dating process!
So, shall I date? Yes! With wisdom and time and patience, and with cautioned vulnerability, and with some light- heartedness and courage too! And lots of input from friends and mentors. And prayer. And intentionality!
And rest and trust, and hope too—that a spouse IS from the Lord!
This was an enjoyable read.
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