To Know and Be Known

I was 19, in college, and sitting with a group of girls over dinner. Conversation got a little heated. I can't even remember the topic, but I know that I hated disagreement. As one girl stated her opinion, my kind remark showed that I saw her point of view. Another girl coolly argued her contrasting point, and I subtly agreed. Never did the question enter my mind, "Who do I agree with?" or "What do I think about this topic?" No, my only anxious question was, "When will they agree and return the peace to our table?"

However, I didn't get to wonder that for long. A fourth girl stepped in and called me out, "Emily, you just agreed with both sides. You're like a chameleon!" I was speechless, embarrassed . . . humiliated really . . . and cut to the core. Her statement hit me like a wall, and I haven't really recovered from it since. But I'm glad I haven't.

Who am I? What do I know? Who knows me? Questions like these flooded my mind for the next 9 years.

I've come to find that knowing is a little easier than being known.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Ps. 46:10a) . . . mmm, my heart for knowing Him has grown. Apart from His glory, I think that's the greatest thing I desire (or at least desire to desire!). As I step into His mystery and intrigue, I'm transformed and conformed, amazed and amused, awed and impressed. There's no one else, or any thing else, that I've loved getting to know so much as my God and Savior, Best Friend and Brother, Jesus.

Secondly, to know other people. Wow! I think that the human heart and mind are so complicated, so intricate! My mind often views individuals as a constantly unfolding story . . . and in my quest to know them and their story, I've become a better listener, question-asker, and observer. Nothing pulls at my heart strings so much as hearing someone's true story.

And lastly, knowledge. Okay, certainly, not soul-satisfying as in knowing God, or emotionally satisfying as in knowing people, but it is mentally satisfying! In my MA program, I found that knowledge was a kind of ecstasy. Truly! (almost to the point that I had to question if it were biblical!) I found it fascinating how our brain builds idea upon idea and opens us up to whole new worlds. Yes, I admit it-- I am a combo of one of those nerdy knowledge-seekers, analytical journaling introspectors, and bubbly question- askers. I want to KNOW! I love to learn!

Yes, to know: Him, other people, and the world and ideas (in that order), are a great value and intrigue to me.

But being known-- that sets my heart racing, cheeks red, eyes downcast. I do NOT want to be known. Or at least everything in me tells me that I don't. Vulnerability, opening myself up to rejection and humiliation? No thank you! Or, I'm afraid I will find out the truth about myself and be horrified! Pastor and author John Ortberg observes, "We want to know the truth about ourselves, and we want very much not to know the truth about ourselves. We both seek and resist awareness about the reality of who we are" (Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them, p. 169).

My initial reaction is to push away any urge to be known, but recently, my introspective heart has questioned that, and wonders if it is actually God's heart for me to be known.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them" (John 10:27a), Jesus says, and later in vs. 14, "I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own."

Jesus is talking about salvation here, but I wonder if He's also pointing to intimacy with Him! He knows us. Truly He does. He knit me together inside of my mother. He gave me a soul at conception. What a thought! We are known. We are known so intimately.

"For you formed my inmost parts . . . my frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret . . . Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them!" (Ps. 139:13-17).

Yes! He knows me, and He loves me! I am precious to Him. His thoughts are great towards me. And I believe that letting Him into those parts of my heart that I sometimes close off to my own anxious "self-care," will actually bring me such comfort! And, I also believe He wants me to trust Him with my whole heart (Prov. 3:5-6) so much that I can be known by others too, without fear. Without fear of being whom He created me to be! Without fear of being a messy sinner, or my broken heart being found out. Fear of being boring and dark and ugly,  or even fun and loving and funny, with desires and hopes and dreams and failures and disappointments. Without fear of being known. Not a figurative geisha: always someone's fantasy and never someone's reality. Known, really known.

WHY?

Well, first, I'm starting to see that my heart really does desire to know and be known! To His glory, I was created for relationship with Him. It's what He desires with me, and it's what I desire with Him. And I believe that my heart does have a deep brokenness, and in that fear I hide, from Him, from others. But He has come to bind up the hearts of the broken-hearted! A broken heart which can only be touched by being known. And we were actually created so that Adam wasn't alone too! Eve was created, I believe, for fellowship, marriage, family. The Body, now, supports one another and is called to unity and love. And I wonder, can we be united and love without knowing each other deeply?

And, secondly, I believe that people trust my heart before they trust my words. I wonder if I am to truly love someone, serve them, even evangelize, must I give my heart? Must I open myself to being known by them? Give them the power to hurt me, reject me? So then, my most precious gift, my heart, is spent for them, and they can trust my sincerity.

Lastly, I believe it is the heart of God to be known Himself! He has made Himself known through various revelations and prophets in the Old Testament, and now by the actual Person of His Son, God Himself, coming, "the express image of His Person" (Heb.1:3). He is mysterious and His ways and thoughts far above mine, and will always be, but He has chosen to reveal Himself. To, in a way, be vulnerable with man. To open Himself up to relationship, and hurt, and rejection. He didn't have to, and certainly nothing I do can diminish His glory, or take from His wholeness, His Godness. But every day that He offers His banquet table to me, and I say that I would rather eat in the gutter with rats, do I not hurt His heart?

Well, here begins my journey to let my heart be knowable. First, by the One who is so good, and then, in His time and loving process, by loving people in my circle of friends, and eventually perhaps even by those who can reject and hurt me.

I hope to prayerfully be real before God, and diligently search His Word for His truth and His wisdom.

God, will You give me courage to be open before You, Your Holy Spirit to open my eyes to truth about myself, Your Word and the world, and protect me from anything satan (or my own flesh) wants to do to bring lies or distortions into my thinking or my heart.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart" (Ps. 139: 23a).

If you did read this blog, thanks for witnessing this journey with me! I invite you to know my heart, and would love to know yours if you want to comment! :)