Out There

Whenever I put something "out there," there is that immediate moment that I wish I hadn't. I want to grab it back as soon as it comes out of my mouth. Did I just say that??

I started sharing my story when a teacher in college "felt" that perhaps I needed counseling. I went to a counselor, hoping she could see that certain people in my life were "at fault." Instead, she guided me to discover that I had a lot of anger and bitterness. It was me-- the only person I am responsible and capable of changing. I started my journey of healing. Of giving my broken heart over to a Healer, whom for so long I believed had given me my lot in life because He was angry at me. I've since learned that He cares soo so  much for me. Of course, I could never describe it-- it's one of those have-to-experience-it things!

But yes, I started my blog. And last night, I wanted to shut it down. Delete it all. I noticed on my page profile that I had 63 views. 63 people, whose identity I wasn't sure of, had at least opened my page to view it. Perhaps saw something. Perhaps felt sorry for me. My initial response to pity is a feeling that my life is pitiable. I don't like that feeling.

I have 2 friends that I am in a community with who both shared deep things about their lives to our friends, and then told of similar feelings. They wished they hadn't. They wanted to take it back. One friend wanted to make sure that people didn't assume that that particular part of his life represented his whole life. I get it. I do. We are complex creatuers for sure. I have broken parts, and strong parts. Sad parts, and exciting parts. Weaknesses and failures, but amazingness too!

Soooo . . . today . . . instead of writing in my journal as usual and carefully editing my thoughts, and then gathering my little quotes on index cards that I keep from things I read . . . I'm just going to write today. Write from my heart.

If I share something personal here, I wonder if I am missing out on the sweet friendship that is built when one discloses a secret to a trusted buddy. The public didn't "earn" the right to know that about me. The public isn't trustworthy and safe. I certainly don't want to wear everything on my sleeve. And, as an author and speaker that I like, Beth Moore, is careful of, I don't want to glorify my pain or my past. But rather my Healer. But my question is: Can I put my story "out there"?

I don't know the answer yet.