Singleness: Passion and Purity

I began praying for my future husband at age thirteen. But romance had been in my blood much before that. I remember reading Disney’s “Cinderella” with a neighborhood boy at five years old (who was supervising us??). At the end of the story, he leaned over to give me a hug and say that that would be us some day. I smiled at the thought. Romance seemed very appealing to me at that age, and the appeal hasn’t changed since.

However, my understanding of love certainly has.

“Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases” Song of Solomon 3:5 told me. Okay, I consented, God I give You my love life, and will let You awaken it when You please. Surrender.

I could not have imagined the journey that commitment would take me on. I could not have pictured fifteen years of surrendered singleness. If He had told me, I don’t know that I could have accepted it. If He tells me now to wait another fifteen years, I don’t know if I can accept it. But all He says is “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5).

Okay, well at least I know where I can place my heart.

Certainly, there have been crushes, some dates, ask-outs and interest, even two pursuers of marriage . . . my love life hasn’t been completely nonexistent or uneventful. I’m still a woman. Attracting and attracted. I still have passions and desires.

Nonetheless, I am called to bring my passion under the reign of purity. Elizabeth Elliot describes this concept in her book “Passion and Purity,” a go-to of mine when the winds of romance blow across my cheek on a warm summer evening.

I admit to times of complaining in my journal, talking about loneliness or shame. I mean, my love life is THE FIRST, or most important, element in my life that friends and family, and friends of family, and families of friends ask about. (And people who aren’t even friends or family.) My school dean, whom I haven’t seen for almost a year saw me in the printing room last week. “So are you married yet?” he boomed loudly. I smiled and laughed. Sometimes, it’s the first question. Sometimes, it’s eased into, but I always know it’s coming. And why not?? It would be for me too! Romance is exciting!

And there have been times I’ve gotten really honest in my quiet times or with close friends. When I’m real with my desires, and these are good times. How do I need to grow? Where am I afraid of vulnerability or rejection? In what ways do I need to learn to appreciate, respect, and love men more? Who should I date? And how do I learn to trust while still guarding my heart? These questions and my contemplations and experiences run through my journals.

Sometimes I think that I try as hard as I can to pursue relationship; other times, I think that I am single simply because of my own fears, and running away.

But. Whether because of my own self and immaturity, or simply because God is asking me to wait, God has let the past fifteen years be a call to singleness. And in that, there is a sort of death. Addison Leitch says, “When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.” And I learn to surrender, as I die to what I think my path should be.

Not long ago, I had a specific hope in my world of romance. I entertained this hope for six months to the day. I hadn’t acted on the hope, just simply hoped. But when I mentioned the six month mark to a friend, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Enough… you need to let it go.” In my dramatic personality (!), I wrote out the hope and my surrender of it to God, on several pieces of paper, and burned them with a candle. And from that day, I haven’t thought about it again. If He wants to bring it back, He will. As much as I liked the “pain” of holding on to that hope, it was certainly freeing to let it go!

Elizabeth Elliot says, “Life requires countless ‘little’ deaths—occasions when we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God. . . . There is a big 'however'. It is this: We are not meant to die merely in order to be dead. God could not want that for the creatures to whom He has given the breath of life. We die in order to live.”

And in that, I agree. I am not living a single life as if it is a cross to bear. No, it can be a calling that is a joy. An invitation to LIFE, to living in the present, and not for the future.

Surely, I have a hope of romance and marriage. But, that, I put up on a shelf. It is there. I know it is there. But it is in His hands. And my life is here and now. So, I will live each day with that joy and exuberance and energy.

“Suppose He should ask me to wait five years? It stuns me to think of it. Yet—could I imagine that the mercy of God which has stretched to me from everlasting to everlasting could be exhausted in five years?” (Elizabeth Elliot).

He has called me to singleness the past 15 years. It has been no mistake. And if He calls me yet another 15, by His strength and patience, let it be. And let me see it, God, by Your goodness, not as martyrdom or altruistic patience in waiting, but rather as my call, my joy, my excitement even, to walk the road specifically designed for me. The one You’ve prepared for me. Laying my heart down, in trust. Knowing this, You are good.