This morning I journaled of empty and distant feelings.
Tonight, as I lay on my bed in the dark, a tear rolled down. And then a sweet voice entered my mind and spoke words of comfort.
I had just read a chapter in Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace entitled, “Why Forgive?” He talked about the famous novel, and now movie, Les Miserables. What’s so incredible about this story is the irrationality, and power, of forgiveness.
Forgive someone who has done you wrong? Taken from you? Lied to you? Cheated on and betrayed you? Alienated you? Act the opposite of what all feeling and justice would demand I act?
Forgive someone who had immense power and influence over you and abused that power?
Years that I’ve blocked out. Years that I say I’ve forgiven . . . but rarely go there.
“Bring a childhood picture to group next week!” . . . childhood? I don’t remember that.
But those sweet words of comfort came to me . . . it held me with sweet strength. Go there, it whispered. I will walk you through it.
And I am faced with the truth: bitterness.
Oh, bitterness you are ugly. Where can I find freedom from you? It has deep roots . . . can you pull them up, my master surgeon?
It is not that I feel nothing . . . it is that I have built a safe enclosed in a warehouse around a heart so desperately afraid to feel such pain.
And I crack, I break. Break it all away. Let me go there. Let me feel it. Let me long for people, even if it hurts me.
Let me feel such tenderness, unrequited desire, pain, sweetness, brokenness, healing, and freedom.
Forgiveness. . . though it feel uncomfortable and strange and unnatural and unfair.
And yet the tear comes, and even breaks into sobs, because I do feel it. I desire the one I struggle to forgive. I desire people. And I can’t fight that.
I sit far away. I set my face as if I don’t care.
But I do care. I care so much. I care so much that I’m afraid I’ll be hurt again . . . and yet my desire for the relationship conquers yet again, and I come close.
I come close. I forgive, accept, love. We are on the same side. Dare I think I am on another?
I am reminded that without forgiveness I am but holding up an illusion that I am something other than I am.
So, I seek freedom and truth, to feel, and a heart that pumps warm blood. I seek people, and I seek God.
Teach me to forgive.
Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteI had a 20 year old extremely close friendship end a year and a half ago because of jealousy. I think. I tried to get the other person to talk about it. She refused. She wrote me a letter, vague, cold. I wrote her back, almost pathetically begging her to get together with me. No response. Sixteen months go by. A few weeks ago, I get a text from her. "you alive?".... That was it. My husband encouraged me on how to respond, with boundaries. I wrote, "Si, are you?". No response.
Emily, I know how hard this is. You feel so rejected and wonder how someone who once said they loved you could walk away from you. I really don't know what to say, but do know that Jesus once spoke to me, in a parking lot, during a period of intense loneliness and abandonment. I was actually crying and praying my hurts up to him. I felt so alone. He listened to me, then gently said.. "My child, all those times you were looking here and there, you weren't alone, you aren't' alone now... I have ALWAYS been there. I will never leave you or forsake you. You were looking everywhere else but to me." NOONE in this world can give you that promise. But. Him. This is one of the hardest truths i have ever had to accept. Remember, you are loved. treasured,. a chosen daughter of a KING. I will be praying for you, precious one.
Sending you a hug, friend! Love you.
ReplyDelete